𝕘 𝕙 𝕠 𝕤 𝕥

holy fuck i just remembered polyvore

i literally do not remember the first 5? years of my life and it's always bothered me so fucking much like when i was born my parents lived in an apartment until i was 5 and i have NO memory of the apartment. at all. none. my earliest memory is from a time when i lived at that apartment, but the memory is of my aunt winning me a plush dog at a restaurant. that's the extent of the memory. i don't remember going home that day. i remember having the dog and playing with it but i don't remember being in the apartment with it. i lost it when we moved but i have no memory of moving. i don't even remember what my bedroom looked like there. absolutely nothing. i remember going to look at the house we moved into before we moved into it, but i don't remember going back to the apartment that day. i don't even actually remember moving into the house, i just remember living there. it's like my memories start at some random point after we moved when i was 5. and i don't really have any memories after that either, it's very spotty. but the fact that i do not and cannot remember the apartment at ALL idk it bothers me so much sorry this was so long :'^) i appreciate u for reading if u did

my hair is too long and everything sucks

does it ever become abundantly clear whether these thoughts and opinions and feelings are actually mine or someone else's?? they do not feel like mine and haven't for a while but to assume they belong to someone else (or multiple others, even) seems unthinkable. i've known so many other people w this but i never considered that *i* might have it so why now???/ what happened???????? i keep seeing posts saying "if you're faking you'd know bc that's part of it, your brain is trying to hide it from you" but if i had a dollar for every time my brain straight up screams at me that i'm faking this-- i FEEL like i'm faking this, it's the only thing that makes sense to me?? but it doesn't bring me any comfort either i dont even know what im saying. i dont even know who i am. thanks for reading this if u did

[screaming into the void] WHO AM I