#notforattention

It was 4:03 am. And I couldn’t sleep. This always happened when I didn’t take it. As the sun rose beside me, I felt a darker night in my head. How could I say no to myself?

I began to shake. Every Once in awhile, I felt my arms tremble. My fingers would twitch, as if they were on guard for something. An invisible evil that they couldn’t see. It started off slow, only happening once or twice a week, then escalated further and further. I kept telling myself that it was just a side effect. Because it is. I would ignore the feelings of feeling the mode. The feeling that kept me awake in the middle of the night. The shaky breaths I took. The missed meals, the bottles of water that kept stacking outside my door.

It is normal. Everything is normal. You are just a dumb worthless piece of shit who can’t fucking hold a candle next to anyone. Who immediately put up walls when they were hurt. Who screamed at the people they care about. And oh great you are crying again. You just push everyone away to save your ass. I mean, what’s the point? It is not like they like you. Remember this sensation. Remember this feeling of hopelessness cuz it isn’t about to go away. You are my bitch now. You will just be used again and again until they get tired of you. Then you will be handed off to someone else.

You know something? (Did you know? I love you. You mean the world to me. If it wasn’t for you I probably wouldn’t be alive right now.) How have you lived this long? Doesn’t it hurt to be such a disappointment? I hate you. You are worse than scum. How is it that no one has ever slapped you for being weird? Oh wait. How is it that no one has gotten tired of you? Oh wait. How is it that you haven’t tried to kill yourself yet? You know the answer. You have. That one brief moment of euphoria when you thought that this would all be over. That there, this world will be better without such a useless bitch. She can’t trust anyone. She feels nothing and everything at the same damn time.

My racing heartbeat wouldn't let go. My tears kept falling….and how long has it been since I felt like this. It feels like it is the first time all over again.God I want to die.

(What is going on? Is it getting worse? Is it really okay to be next to scissors like that? Should I-

No. No you shouldn’t. You belong here Dante. What even are you? Even humans couldn’t match the same monstrosity that you are.

It is finally 5 am. The sun isn’t anywhere in sight. It gets cold. And I feel exhausted. No one talk to me. I hate you all. I don’t ever want to see any of you ever again. Go away. GET AWAY FROM ME.

Please don’t go. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this again. My mom will be heartbroken. How will they see me now?

Am I really that weak?

7 am. My house is quiet. Never ask for any favors there is nothing I want from you. I’ve been praying for an answer to keep me from falling through. How long has it been since I laughed genuinely? I stop and think for a moment. All the memories. All the moments I forced myself to laugh cuz if I didn’t wouldn’t I be weird? My head hurts. Sometimes I get these lapses where I go unconscious for a second and come back. What if one I just drop dead?

How weak am I?

How useless am I?

How weird am I?

How alive am I?

There was reason why there was a warning. I didn’t know. I didn’t think it would happen again. I mean how often do you really see that? Maybe I had that false hope. That love could make this all go away. That I could be normal again. I can, can’t I? WHY. YOU ARE SO FUCKING LAZY. YOU CAN’T EVEN GO TO SLEEP. YOU CAN'T REMEMBER TO TAKE THEM. YOU CAN'T REMEMBER TO PUT STUFF BACK. whycouldntihavejuststayedquiet.

7 30 am.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. How can I delete myself? Do you like to watch me suffer? Do you enjoy me throwing my life away? Do you enjoy me being too much of a fucking coward to kill myself? I still hold onto that string, praying it won’t snap.

Well you are learning coping mechanisms.

Shut the fuck up.

I have to run away. With what money? And do what? Nothing. I have nothing. Your parents are better than so many and here you are struggling because you can't keep your head quiet.

You are such a child.

9 am. Good morning mom.

I felt my heart shatter. I breathed with lapses of unconsciousness raking my entire body.  They didn’t know. They didn’t know. How could they have known that I would react this way. It is all real. The train going on outside, blaring its nonexistent horn, waking me up. Why couldn’t the sound just STOP.

I had torun. I couldn’t stay. It was all real. They wouldn't ever leave. I am all alone. How will it be when the years have gone by? What will it be like to never sleep? What will be like to sleep?

God I just want to die.

It is so bright. The lights are so loud. The laughter is directed at me. Like hyenas laughing at thier pray.

I just want to free fall.

Maybe I should tal-

NO

Why not?

YOU ARE SUCH A BURDEN. YOU ARE SO WEAK. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PROBLEMS. WHY WOULD THEY BOTHER LISTENING TO YOU.

You’re right.

No

Gotta run away

I can’t stay here.

I have to leave. Im okay im okay im okay im okay im okay im okay im okay im okay. It is all a lie. It is all a lie. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It is ok. I am ok. All of it is fake.

You are just looking for attention.

I can’t let them see.

She walked out of the bathroom, tears still in her eyes. She refused to look at any of them directly, fearing they might see the terror in her eyes. If they found out she hadn’t slept, they would get mad at her again. She is an adult for crying out loud! Why can’t she understand that she has to do this on her own? Why are you so irresponsible? Why are you so lazy?

Despite working at the pizza place all summer, hours of smiling fake smiles and greet customers with a happy illusion. It’s not like they care. It is not their job to say, “Look at her, she must have something going on.” Despite being called a great employee, despite graduating in the top 10 percent of her class, despite the first in her family to go to college, despite working into the late hours of night and early in the morning, she is still not enough.

So I hid it.

I haven’t grown up yet, she says.

Yourejustpretending.

Mydaughterissickinthehead.

Mysonissickinthehead.

Imsorry. Imsosorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Imsorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry. Im sorry.

My psychiatrist is a male. He reminds me of a creepy russian spy. I showed him this. He made the dosage higher. I fainted when I took them. But they worked. And I was okay. It felt quiet. The silence was finally at rest. I was late to school. I got detention. Im in trouble.

It is not his fault. He didn’t know.

I know.

Just grow up.

It is not real.

This is only for attention.