#thisisformyself

and then i thought about how i spent my day today.

woke up

made wudu

went to masjid nabawi

prayed tahajjud and made dua

prayed fajr and read quran and azkaar till ishraq

prayed ishraq

returned to the hotel

said salam to my dad who had to run some errands

ate breakfast alone

cleaned my hotel room

did my daily azkaar then went to sleep

woke up, showered, and headed to the masjid

prayed zuhr, asr, maghreb, and esha in the masjid

drank zamzam, met strangers, prayed nafl, and read quran between prayers

spoke to my dad about grabbing dinner together since we haven’t had a proper meal together since day one

and that’s it!

that’s what a perfect day looks like. this is what it feels like.

spend less time with people, more time with Allah ﷻ.

spend less time speaking, more time praying.

spend less time worrying about others, spend more time worrying about what Allah ﷻ thinks of you.

just do as much good as you can!

It was 4:03 am. And I couldn’t sleep. This always happened when I didn’t take it. As the sun rose beside me, I felt a darker night in my head. How could I say no to myself?

I began to shake. Every Once in awhile, I felt my arms tremble. My fingers would twitch, as if they were on guard for something. An invisible evil that they couldn’t see. It started off slow, only happening once or twice a week, then escalated further and further. I kept telling myself that it was just a side effect. Because it is. I would ignore the feelings of feeling the mode. The feeling that kept me awake in the middle of the night. The shaky breaths I took. The missed meals, the bottles of water that kept stacking outside my door.

It is normal. Everything is normal. You are just a dumb worthless piece of shit who can’t fucking hold a candle next to anyone. Who immediately put up walls when they were hurt. Who screamed at the people they care about. And oh great you are crying again. You just push everyone away to save your ass. I mean, what’s the point? It is not like they like you. Remember this sensation. Remember this feeling of hopelessness cuz it isn’t about to go away. You are my bitch now. You will just be used again and again until they get tired of you. Then you will be handed off to someone else.

You know something? (Did you know? I love you. You mean the world to me. If it wasn’t for you I probably wouldn’t be alive right now.) How have you lived this long? Doesn’t it hurt to be such a disappointment? I hate you. You are worse than scum. How is it that no one has ever slapped you for being weird? Oh wait. How is it that no one has gotten tired of you? Oh wait. How is it that you haven’t tried to kill yourself yet? You know the answer. You have. That one brief moment of euphoria when you thought that this would all be over. That there, this world will be better without such a useless bitch. She can’t trust anyone. She feels nothing and everything at the same damn time.

My racing heartbeat wouldn't let go. My tears kept falling….and how long has it been since I felt like this. It feels like it is the first time all over again.God I want to die.

(What is going on? Is it getting worse? Is it really okay to be next to scissors like that? Should I-

No. No you shouldn’t. You belong here Dante. What even are you? Even humans couldn’t match the same monstrosity that you are.

It is finally 5 am. The sun isn’t anywhere in sight. It gets cold. And I feel exhausted. No one talk to me. I hate you all. I don’t ever want to see any of you ever again. Go away. GET AWAY FROM ME.

Please don’t go. I don’t know what to do. I can’t do this again. My mom will be heartbroken. How will they see me now?

Am I really that weak?

7 am. My house is quiet. Never ask for any favors there is nothing I want from you. I’ve been praying for an answer to keep me from falling through. How long has it been since I laughed genuinely? I stop and think for a moment. All the memories. All the moments I forced myself to laugh cuz if I didn’t wouldn’t I be weird? My head hurts. Sometimes I get these lapses where I go unconscious for a second and come back. What if one I just drop dead?

How weak am I?

How useless am I?

How weird am I?

How alive am I?

There was reason why there was a warning. I didn’t know. I didn’t think it would happen again. I mean how often do you really see that? Maybe I had that false hope. That love could make this all go away. That I could be normal again. I can, can’t I? WHY. YOU ARE SO FUCKING LAZY. YOU CAN’T EVEN GO TO SLEEP. YOU CAN'T REMEMBER TO TAKE THEM. YOU CAN'T REMEMBER TO PUT STUFF BACK. whycouldntihavejuststayedquiet.

7 30 am.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. How can I delete myself? Do you like to watch me suffer? Do you enjoy me throwing my life away? Do you enjoy me being too much of a fucking coward to kill myself? I still hold onto that string, praying it won’t snap.

Well you are learning coping mechanisms.

Shut the fuck up.

I have to run away. With what money? And do what? Nothing. I have nothing. Your parents are better than so many and here you are struggling because you can't keep your head quiet.

You are such a child.

9 am. Good morning mom.

I felt my heart shatter. I breathed with lapses of unconsciousness raking my entire body.  They didn’t know. They didn’t know. How could they have known that I would react this way. It is all real. The train going on outside, blaring its nonexistent horn, waking me up. Why couldn’t the sound just STOP.

I had torun. I couldn’t stay. It was all real. They wouldn't ever leave. I am all alone. How will it be when the years have gone by? What will it be like to never sleep? What will be like to sleep?

God I just want to die.

It is so bright. The lights are so loud. The laughter is directed at me. Like hyenas laughing at thier pray.

I just want to free fall.

Maybe I should tal-

NO

Why not?

YOU ARE SUCH A BURDEN. YOU ARE SO WEAK. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PROBLEMS. WHY WOULD THEY BOTHER LISTENING TO YOU.

You’re right.

No

Gotta run away

I can’t stay here.

I have to leave. Im okay im okay im okay im okay im okay im okay im okay im okay. It is all a lie. It is all a lie. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. It is ok. I am ok. All of it is fake.

You are just looking for attention.

I can’t let them see.

She walked out of the bathroom, tears still in her eyes. She refused to look at any of them directly, fearing they might see the terror in her eyes. If they found out she hadn’t slept, they would get mad at her again. She is an adult for crying out loud! Why can’t she understand that she has to do this on her own? Why are you so irresponsible? Why are you so lazy?

Despite working at the pizza place all summer, hours of smiling fake smiles and greet customers with a happy illusion. It’s not like they care. It is not their job to say, “Look at her, she must have something going on.” Despite being called a great employee, despite graduating in the top 10 percent of her class, despite the first in her family to go to college, despite working into the late hours of night and early in the morning, she is still not enough.

So I hid it.

I haven’t grown up yet, she says.

Yourejustpretending.

Mydaughterissickinthehead.

Mysonissickinthehead.

Imsorry. Imsosorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Imsorry. I am so sorry. I am sorry. Im sorry.

My psychiatrist is a male. He reminds me of a creepy russian spy. I showed him this. He made the dosage higher. I fainted when I took them. But they worked. And I was okay. It felt quiet. The silence was finally at rest. I was late to school. I got detention. Im in trouble.

It is not his fault. He didn’t know.

I know.

Just grow up.

It is not real.

This is only for attention.

March 30th 2013

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So it's been a little over a month since I've arrived in Guangzhou, China, a lot of things have happened and it's almost unbelievable that just over a month ago that I was still in SD. 

Things haven't exactly gone as planned (not that I'm complaining, it's been amazing), since I thought I'd be traveling A LOT more, for example, a different country every other weekend. WOMP, which is not happening thanks to my VISA problem, so instead maybe explore inland China starting SOON. Not saying I won't be visiting other countries, maybe near the end of the semester, something I hope I can make happen.

Other than that, I've made some good friends, running with the right crowd kind of thing. Interesting, the only time I make REAL foreigner friends is in China. Says a lot about America huh? People don't really mix and it's a shame, because it's great meeting people of other cultures. 

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People are generally friendlier here (Just the students, I don't know how many times I've said "Fucking Chinese" already, Gawwd, people are rude), either that or it's because I am Chinese but I mesh well considering I've known the people here for less than a month.  (I don't think it's cause I am Chinese EHEM)

So far, most of my free time is spent shopping or eating. There's still a lot of places I've yet to go to, so hopefully I can somehow squeeze them into my schedule. ONLY FOUR months left, time really does fly here.  I've also been spending a lot more time with my grandparents, and elders in general and there's a lot to learn from them if you actually listen. Just the difference in the circumstances of our upbringing is huge. Makes me realize just exactly how fortunate I am to be in my "situation". 

Going to keep this short since there's a lot of things I don't exactly want to share or know how to put into words exactly (and because my friends want to go shopping) .

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I just need to remind myself some words my Grandfather mentioned to me today. "I've faced life's greatest hardship, and I've endured it. Since then, there is nothing that life can throw at me that will scare me." "If you do not fear hardship, if you do not fear failure, then you will be successful."

I honestly can't believe stuff like this happen. And I still can't believe I am on the other side of the globe, away from everything and everyone that I know. 

*This is solely me writing down my thoughts and most of it is nonsense.

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"Shu Yaan..."

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The same night I was telling myself that I needed to get my head out of my ass, start pushing myself in the direction I wanted and really my Uncle called me for a night out. "Karaoke" he said. I was hesitant at first, despite being a saturday night I wanted to stay at home (and continue watching motivational and inspirational videos on youtube) and even created a bunch of excuses like, "My dorm closes at 12, I don't think I should go", "I have homework", blah blah blah, and I guess luckily for me, my uncle dismissed my bullshit and settled on picking me up and gave me two hours to get ready.

Half an hour drive, we get there, and instantly it dawned on me. "Karaoke my ass", I was instantly put in an extremely uncomfortable position amongst people whose experience heavily exceed mine in a setting unfamiliar to myself. In a way this was a chance for me to break out of my nervous wreck of a shell, and also to really get used to socializing with potential "persons of asset". Women are introduced, drinks are shared, and games are played. Everyone pushed me "to be more bold", "flirt more", blah blah blah, and they shoved two girls onto me for that purpose. The language barrier was finally kicking in. I could not speak Mandarin and can barely pick up a few words here and there. It served as a reminder, that I came here as a "sponge" to soak up all the traits, wisdom, knowledge and experience that can be offered and really "grow the fuck up" in preparation for the real world. 

Skipping the details of that night. . .on the outside it was just a ordinary "let's get fucked up Saturday night" and a "let's show the American boy what China has to offer".  ...Which is great and all but it might have been a little more than that for me. A wake up call?

Everyone in my generation is babied to the point that we really do not understand what it means to be an adult till reality slaps us in the face, and sometimes, that slap isn't enough and we end up crumbling under our own excess.  "Rolling in our shit, under our shit, and never managing to get on top of our shit." Etc. 

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In America, my peers would consider me a responsible individual who works hard and possess strong convictions. I'm beginning to realize that my drive to succeed just isn't enough, it's nearly non-existent and that I am none of the above. Despite possessing a level of opportunity that dwarfs that of the Chinese here, my level of drive and motivation is hardly a fraction of the Chinese. Everyone in that room have been working and actively engaging in society and feverishly pushing towards their goal and dreams while up to few days ago, all I can think about was how I can impress a certain individual, whether or not I should cut my hair, how I am going to stay in touch with people that honestly don't care about me and even the outfit I should be wearing on a daily basis. While I am not saying those are not things I shouldn't think about, I should really reflect my priorities. I need to reevaluate them and think about how I can better myself everyday, both mentally and physically. 

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"Shu Yan". . .that look on her face told me she was just as surprised as I was. . .

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Being in the phase of denial that I've been since the year started, I've been really questioning my work ethic, my goals, and what I want in life. Meeting "Shu Yaan"( might have been the little push I needed to get started. She, who I barely met, was somehow able to really break down a lot of my limitations and restrictions that I now realize were all self-imposed.

Maybe it was her wonderful smile or maybe it was just her embrace, whatever it was, it has given me the strength to abandon and throw away the things that have held me back and look forward unclouded. Amazing, how someone you just met, and you will probably never meet again can really become the catalyst to something potentially much bigger, while people that you thought would matter in your life would never be able to amount to a change this powerful. 

. . .

They call me the "Little Emperor" and say things like "Please watch over me in the future". Right now, I'm the one that needs to be watched, I'm the one that needs help. But from now,

Everyday, I will constantly, and consistently build myself to match, earn, and exceed the expectations of those who love me and hate me. 

To constantly reminding and reconfirming exactly what I want. To becoming someone that I can truly love and be proud of. To embracing my flaws and to conquering myself and any obstacles that will present itself here on out.