#niyati

—“I missed you. I am so lucky to have you in my life. You are this wonderful soul that has met me before. I know that I romanticize a lot of things that enter my life, but you felt compelled to speak to me and that moment will always be one of the greatest decisions anyone has ever made about me. You were compelled. The universe shoved a butterfly into your belly and told you to flutter towards me and as gently as an apple falling from a tree and gravity was recognized for the first time, I knew right then and there that you would always try to keep me safe and sound. You are laughter left in purity, you do not like your face and that breaks my fucking heart. You do not think about your beauty as something lovable, but something that is worthy of pain, rejection and hate. What kind of existence is that? I would climb on top of any mountain just to leave poetry about why my best friend cannot sleep, why she clings onto awareness and awareness, almost as a rebellion towards the very order of being. You are a reader with a poet’s soul. I have tasked myself with the unbearable silence that comes with loving you, sometimes when you hate yourself with such fierce and choking quiet thoughts, it hurts me. I cannot stand to see you hurting. So I rise to the occasion. I stop all threats aimed at you, no one down talks you. Not even you. I hate that I ever had to raise my voice or energy just so that you knew— that no one could ever disrespect you in my eyes. You would tell me bed time stories during the nights where I cried and I cried. You have seen my mind find God and I measured the weight of my heart whilst being judged by Anubis. I found my faith in an unconventional way, just like how I write myself into my poetry. I wanted to let go of everything and let the world know that I am here to stay, but then I looked at you and I realized that even if I let my lovers go, I couldn’t leave you, I couldn’t let you go because you have never lied to me, you have never hurt me and you have never left me, Do you know what the words said to the reader as it was being read from inside of a book for the very first time? I love you, please stay. Soak all of my wisdom into you and let this knowledge guide you home— for if you can understand me for what I am, I can love you as you are. I can’t be perfect, but for you in these moments, all of these stories? I am perfection printed for your touch, I was left in the dust until you came into my life and reignited my purpose. You are my life and I don’t need you to bury me, I want you to trade away bits of your sadness for beautiful poetry and if we get to live until we’re old and grey, if love had not found you, if it had not fallen for you yet, then I’ll be glad to be an adventurer brave enough to search your smile for all of the reasons as to why I am in love with you, for all of your bed time stories, I kept my smile close to your bosom like a child holding his favorite toy under his favorite blanket because safety is just another way to feel like home was something we could find and if I told you that I loved you, I know that in that moment, you will have believed me. So I love you now because no matter where we go from here, mamour, you will never be alone.”

Waah re Niyati !! 

for being here everyday. for pushing me to talk. even if i don’t text back right away, you know that my love won’t stray too far away. thank you for measuring the broken bits of my disposable heart— like overused photos that have smudged poetry written on the back, the best things are always misunderstood and mixed with a hint of genuine fear of never making it back home safely.

for never missing a day to remind me that i’m special. sometimes when i think that i can’t go on, i realize that i’m so fucking stupid. i have so many kind-hearted people in my life that want me to succeed and do well. where did you guys come from? i’ve been trying to count my blessings more and more each day. sure, my life isn’t perfect... but i think there’s a lesson here for me to learn. i just can’t see it yet. one day, i’ll be ready to accept it and i’ll tell you all about it.

for being there when i was lost in the scariest part of my depression. lost in the woods with no way out. no exits. no entrances. you were there for me before i was even there for myself. you believed in me when i didn’t have a single drop of self-confidence inside of my veins. i was at my lowest point and i swear to you that no amount of shitty poetry and empty pill bottles could tell you how i really feel about the whole entire thing that is you. i can abandon all of the pain that was from a love that was a valuable experience for my growth, i can let go of my anxiety to never being able to understand myself because i was always so hard on myself, i can jot down everything beautiful from the moment i had my first smile with my grandpa to the last time i held my grandmother’s hands and she told me that she always wanted my dad to love my mom right— you are such a pure part of my eyes, i swear that when they sparkle the stars break apart their constellations and embrace me into formation as if i’ve never left home.

for catering to my thoughts. for feeding my ideas with passion. you are the volcanic activity, i am the lava overflowing— you are the ocean waves, i’m just a small sail boat that you won’t sink. for all of the breaths that we’ve shared, my heart is hopeful again, there’s love in the air and it looks like you and your lips hit their mark. you’re full of my favorite energy. like how when the sun is mentioned, the moon follows. we don’t need another day and night to fall in love. we just need to hear the tone of the evening. we just want to feel alive together. how many years did it take Rome to become Rome? i want to love you like that, but without the ending. i know that Rome wasn’t built in a day, but for all that it’s worth— i want to be the colors in your paintbrushes, i want to be the repeat button of your favorite songs, i want to know the dimple on the right side of your face, intimately.

thank you for having patience with me—

i realize now that my depression doesn’t have an off or on button. but if there was ever a way for me to look forward every single fucking day with a brave smile and straight face that says

“fuck yeah, i’m going to conquer today.”