Neurodivergency and Desi Culture: Appropriate forms of Accomodation for Holi
Hello! I'm writing a story about an interracial neurodiverse couple who live in the United States. One of the main characters is half Indian and has a very close relationship with her family in Dubai and usually visits her family for big holidays. I thought a cute arc to have in the story would be the Indian MC taking her partner to visit her family and celebrate Holi. The other MC is autistic with sensory issues with sounds and touch, so I wanted to have the arc play out where the Indian MC's family hosts a backyard Holi celebration so the autistic MC can participate comfortably. I've read online that smaller Holi celebrations are done and that there are phrases elders say to let others know it's okay to hit them with colors, so I thought it would be plausible. However, I want to make sure this comes off as a mutual romantic gesture between the two MCs of sharing culture rather than a watering down of Holi. Does this storyline come off as a sweet and thoughtful gesture between the two MCs? Would it work better if I used a different/less culturally significant holiday? Thank you so much!
Important Note: All mods replying to this are ND
There are no such “phrases” to say “hit/don’t hit me with colours” - if you are in the colour throwing area, then you are fair game (take it from someone who got the Indian Student Association in trouble for ruining a girl’s hair after she accidentally wandered into the area). What would be more plausible is for the MC to watch from a safe distance, smearing powder on her face, and eating snacks with the other people who don’t want to participate in the powder throwing. You could also add a conversation between the two MCs where one explains exactly what will happen and the meaning behind Holi. Other accommodations could include providing ear plugs and ensuring there’s sensory safe food. Even the MC choosing not to attend and the other MC bringing them some food, maybe smearing a little powder on their face, would work.
Without knowing the extent of the changes, this comes across as an entitled white person demanding South Asian people change their holiday observance for their own comfort - are we talking about lowering the stereo or cancelling the fireworks altogether when the rest of the family loves them? This is something to avoid in both the actual changes and the phrasing of the requests.
Speaking as someone who is neurodiverse and has celebrated Holi with people who have sound and touch sensitivity, I would say that the environment is generally welcoming and made to be comfortable and fun. I agree with SK that it would be more plausible for the MC to be at a safe distance, eating snacks with powder on their face. That said, the people I know have had little to no problems participating in general because they were in their element. If stressors were present, they would step out for a little bit, we’d figure out what the problem was, work out an accommodation for them, and they’d come right back in. We never fully changed a celebration just for one person, just made it easier for them to be included of their own volition. If the MC is demanding a full change to regular observance just because they think they might be uncomfortable, then that reads a bit sketchy to me. We have new people every year and the expectation is generally of mutual respect and adaptation to cultural customs.
Also, based on my experience, a backyard Holi celebration can be just as rowdy and exciting as one on the streets; the only difference is who you’re playing with. I’ve had some Holi celebrations at my local temple where there were children with color in water guns, and everyone there was playing. I’ve also been to some Holi celebrations at people’s houses where there were people inside eating and chatting quietly while there was pandemonium outside.
If you really want to target the romantic angle, I would use the story of Krishna and Radha, and how he crushes a flower and puts the color on her cheek to make her feel happier and ‘give her his color’. You could have a small, intimate moment where the MCs do this and the story is given to both give a little more background on Holi and to give the scene a little more context.
I’m going to join the “ND Desi” chorus and agree with SK and Abhaya. Abhaya’s last suggestion in particular is both romantic and culturally appropriate. Otherwise, the proposed story sounds like way too much bending-over-backwards-to-make-the-white-person-comfy. My desi side has lots of ADHD and anxiety. We would not ask nor expect the above of our family if introducing a non-desi partner. What I think white ND folks heavily entrenched in The Internet Discourse on ND Issues forget is that ND interactions with the environment will vary depending on culture, because what we perceive to be stressful depends on what is the norm for us.
Collectivism and ND Coping Skills
Even in situations where the stimuli is both stressful and culturally relevant, one must remember that many Asian cultures, including S. Asian cultures, are collectivist. That means that there’s an expectation that accommodations for the individual will be made when reasonably non-disruptive to the preferences of the group. If the individual’s needs fall outside what the group can accommodate, the expectation is the individual will come up with their own coping mechanisms. Efforts to push the individual’s needs ahead of the group often have negative consequences (Leaving aside whether this interpretation is right or wrong).
I could not tolerate Hindu temples as a child. The sounds and smells were too intense for me. However, I had very, very religious relatives who dragged me to morning prayers at the local temple. I didn’t like it, nor did I enjoy it, to the extent that I dreaded summer stays in India until I was 15. However, my mother was adamant in making my attendance mandatory because she saw it as necessary for me to show my family I valued my culture. A Western parent may have said that I would have been better served by not being forced, but giving in to my comfort and having less anxieties about going to India would have come at the cost of my family feeling like I was an American stranger. Thankfully, circumnavigational prayer is a thing in Hinduism, so when I could no longer tolerate it, I would walk around and around the main part of the temple chanting my prayers until my grandmother finished up. I think my reward was usually fruit or Bournvita.
Collectivism: Give and Take
This is the other important part of collectivism: The exception yields to the group on what is important to the group, but ideally, the group rewards the exception for agreeing to participate in something the exception would have preferred to avoid. This give-and-take is vital to strengthening community ties. Western internet ND culture has a tendency to prize constant accommodation, rather than considering the ways in which coping and the interplay between the individual and their community can facilitate more beneficial interactions for all parties.
Resist the Notion of One-Size-Fits-All
SK and Abhaya have provided you with some good, ND-inclusive examples of Holi participation that don’t exempt the white MC and refrain from diluting the revelries in an inauthentic way (Because, honestly, if one has sound and touch sensitivity, the majority of Indian holidays for many religions can be all Loud and Overwhelming). However, I would like to encourage you to think even further about the tensions that would inevitably emerge between the two characters as they realize that being ND means different things in different places without a clear wrong or right solution.
Disability activists often note that universal accommodations do not exist for all disabilities. I believe the same holds true even for two people with the same ND condition from two different cultures. What may seem reasonable for an ND individual in the United States may not be reasonable or even desired for an ND individual in another culture. Of course, there are benefits as well. Conceptions of time and community obligation differ in many traditional S. Asian cultures. Expectations of communication and career may similarly benefit certain ND conditions in ways that wouldn’t apply in the US. Finally, even in instances of poverty and scarcity, making ND relatives feel valued and included is expected in many social circles. Institutionalizing relatives who can’t support themselves is heavily frowned upon, and families with resources will often allocate funds to help even distant relatives.
A final point: it seemed odd to me that this Holi celebration is taking place in Dubai, which is in the United Arab Emirates. UAE does have a large desi diaspora. It is also a country governed by Islamic law. Holi is a Hindu/ Sikh/ Jain polytheistic holiday. I’ve never lived in Dubai, but even I wear a hijab when traveling through and avoid wearing visible religious symbols.
Desis living in Dubai: Sound off in the comments. How realistic is a private, outdoor family Holi celebration in Dubai?
ND Desis: what sort of accommodations have been made to holiday celebrations that you appreciated? How do you navigate sensory sensitivities and asking for accommodations from your family?
P.S.- Reminder all mods replying are ND people of colour
