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Price of Life Masterlist | AO3
TAGS:Joel Miller x Female Reader, Dark!Joel, Kidnapping, Religious Cults, No Use of Y/N, Reader is Brainwashed, Possessive!Joel, Dubious Consent, Innocent!Reader, Religious Guilt, Religious Deconstruction, (Unspecified) Age Gap Relationship, Eventual Smut, Slow Burn, Joel Miller Smut, Kidnapping, Captivity, Descriptions of Violence, Gore
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Tommy was invited to the next dinner, to your relief. He was easy-going; he asked questions, cracked jokes, made you feel welcome. There was something about him that made him agreeable among pretty much everyone. He made things flow at the table, his laid-back demeanor weaving everyone together, easing the tension that had made things… stiff the last time. You enjoyed yourself, laughing along with Tommy, enjoying his anecdotes and entertaining quips. You also liked the stories he’d tell about him and Joel when they were younger.
“One time, we were screwin’ around this creek that was by our house, jumpin’ ‘cross the rocks, n’ then I slipped on one and got a real good scrape on my elbow- Joel got all annoyed n’ told me to toughen up, but then he sat me down on the bank, cleaned it out n’ sat with me ‘til I stopped cryin’.” It was surprisingly easy to imagine a little Joel and Tommy sitting by the creek, Joel begrudgingly comforting his baby brother because deep down he loved him and wanted him safe and cared for. Big Joel, however, didn’t seem enthused. He grumbled as Tommy gave a playful jab to his arm.
“Awe, so Joel’s always been a softie deep down, huh?” Ellie smiled, amused by how irritated Joel was. “Yeah, but he’d never admit it,” Tommy said with a smirk and a sidelong glance at his brother. Joel only scowled, which made you chuckle a bit under your breath. It had been two weeks since the last dinner- since he’d apologized to you. You’d gone to bed that night replaying it over and over, the way his face looked, how soft his eyes were. He looked like he was being eaten alive- by what, you weren’t sure. It seemed to be guilt, but you weren’t willing to believe that he was capable of that.
Right now, though, he looked pissed. You weren’t sure why, and everyone else seemed to be assuming it was because Tommy was currently animatedly talking about another childhood story that consisted of Joel being deathly afraid of mayflies. You were completely unaware that Joel was not scowling at his brother revealing his embarrassing childhood stories to entertain everyone at the dinner table, but because Tommy was simply there.
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Joel had known his little brother from the moment he was born, and he knew exactly how easy-going he was, how much his presence seemed to charm people- it was a natural skill that Joel never had. He didn’t really mind, though- never had a reason to envy him. Until now. As he watched you smile and laugh at his jokes, Joel felt a very ugly, nearly uncontrollable rage. It coiled inside his gut, molten and searing him from the inside out. It was irrational, he knew that- Tommy was married, he wasn’t one to have a wandering eye, but the way you seemed so utterly enraptured by him in comparison to how you glared at Joel- it had his blood boiling. All he had ever done was try to help you, keep you safe, and you despised him for it.
He promptly rose from his seat, excusing himself with a gruff “Gotta use the restroom,” before stomping off upstairs. He needed time to breathe, to calm himself down before he said something real dumb. He paced up and down the hall, rubbing at his temples and taking deep breaths in an attempt to simmer down a little. He glanced up and saw the door to Ellie’s studio cracked open, which he’d been informed was now your bedroom. The temptation to peer inside was too overpowering to resist- he had to see your world, what you’ve made of the space being away from him.
Over the time you’d stayed with Ellie and Dina, the space had shifted from Ellie’s studio where you were staying to your own bedroom. Slowly but surely, Ellie’s things were tucked neatly into the corner, in the closet, or taken out entirely. No longer were there heaps of paintings and posters that told of Ellie’s interests- the walls were plain, save for a few doodles seemingly made by your hand, and some illustrations of sea animals that were definitely done by Ellie. His eyes moved to the mattress on the floor where you slept, noticed how the encyclopedia was right beside it, and how your figure of the prophet was forgotten in the corner of the room. There wasn’t much, but it told Joel a story of how you were beginning to gain a sense of independence, away from the Prophet or anyone else that had been holding you back, including himself. He could only hope that once you’d come into your own, that you’d choose him.
He wouldn’t know what he would do if you didn’t.
Joel came back downstairs after five minutes, quietly sliding into his seat as Tommy was telling you about how he and Maria fell in love. “She was so independent and strong, and Lord did we butt heads at the beginnin’- stubborn as a mule, I tell ya. But that’s what made me fall in love.” Joel held back the urge to roll his eyes as everyone said “awwe” in perfect sync. He looked at you, smiling dreamily as he talked about their relationship, about the love they shared. He knew that look, the longing and the little tinge of envy that came with it. He’d felt it, too- at Tommy’s wedding. He’d never admit it aloud, not even on his deathbed, but as he watched his baby brother’s face as Maria walked down the aisle, he hoped that one day maybe he’d also get lucky enough to do the same. And then you came into his life, so small and fragile and so, so beautiful- and all he could do was pray that the good Lord above would let him have you.
Once there was a lull in conversation, Joel cleared his throat. “When I was walkin’ down the hallway, I uh- I saw your bed. I can… I can build you a bedframe, if ya want.” You looked up from your plate, and you could swear his cheeks were flushed. It made you blush too, coughing when you swallowed your chicken the wrong way. “Um, okay- sure. Thank you.” You finally managed to mumble. Ellie and Dina’s eyes looked between the two of you, even Tommy was glancing with confusion. Thankfully, they seemed to just chalk it up to Joel trying to be nice and you still being intimidated by him.
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Once dinner was over, Tommy hugged everyone goodbye, including you. In his mind, you were already becoming a part of the big family that was the Jackson community. From the moment he’d brought you from that post office, he wanted to support you and see you grow. And just by glancing at his older brother, he knew that Joel wanted the same, probably even more than he did. He hadn’t seen Joel this interested in a woman in a long time.
Tommy remembered the exact moment when Joel had fallen in love with Sarah’s mother. They were at some party, surrounded by people he can’t even remember the faces of, and Joel saw her dancing across the room- and the rest was history. A tumultuous, very rough history. When Tommy saw Joel look at you that first time in the house, he knew. Joel looked exactly like he did when he was twenty, standing there and staring a hole through you, his eyes full of that tentative longing he remembered so vividly. Tommy wasn’t exactly sure what to make of it, given that you were so young, but the world had gone to shit and a lot of things that would’ve been considered morally ambiguous were even more so now- an age gap relationship between two consenting adults was the least of their worries.
Tommy just prayed that his big brother would be happy.
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As soon as Joel got back home, he started on that bedframe. It didn’t matter that it was eleven o’clock at night, he had to at least get it started. He had a pile of wood behind the house, which he took great care in inspecting for decent enough pieces for the frame- sturdy, thick but not too thick. Then he got to work sanding the wood down, smoothing it so you wouldn’t get any splinters. It was around two-thirty by the time he got that done and he had enough pieces to get started on putting the whole thing together. Exhaustion tugged at his eyelids, however, so he decided he’d continue in the morning.
As he climbed into bed, he thought about you. About the way you’d looked at Tommy, then the way you looked at him. You looked so hesitant, almost fearful around him. It equally unsettled and irritated him to no end. But then he thought about your look after he told you he’d build you a bedframe. You were perplexed, a bit flustered, but also grateful. Joel would cling to that more than anything else, more than his jealousy of his married brother, or his irritation that you still considered him unsafe after all he’d done for you. You were still grateful for him.
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You were working hard. Most of your days were spent at the Tipsy Bison, where Seth would boss you around, constantly looking over your shoulder. It seemed like every time you made a mistake he was right there, quick to point out all the things you were doing wrong and how to do them “the right way.” You should probably be used to it, given that was exactly what you went through at home, but somehow being out here made it worse. You swallowed your tongue and took direction, trying to keep on top of the seemingly increasing amount of people coming in everyday.
It was nice, though, to learn about people. As anxious as you were, you had always been observant, and admittedly very nosy. You got it from your mother, who was always in everyone’s business, including her children’s- mostly her children’s.
You found yourself listening to people as they spoke, talking about patrols or drama between friends and family, amorous relationships and sometimes even clandestine affairs- it was a wonder, really, how people found the time to get into so much trouble. But then again, Jackson seemed like the place that resembled life before the Corruption the most. You always dreamt of the world your mother told you of since you were small- it seemed so otherworldly, like a distant planet or an alternate universe, far away from what Earth was now. And it was- even your mother looked dreamy as she regaled stories of her childhood, her brows knitted together as if she were trying to figure out whether what she was telling you was her life or merely a dream.
It made you wonder what she was like before the Corruption, before the Prophet, before the Seraphites. It was nearly impossible to imagine her as a little girl, running around in wheat fields or going to something called “Sunday School.” Sometimes you envied her, envied all of the life she got to live before the Corruption. She always insisted it was hollow and meaningless, that life knowing the Prophet was so much better and fulfilling, but you had an inkling that it wasn’t entirely true. Maybe it was fulfilling now, but if you were in her position and had a chance to go back to the old world, you’d choose it in a heartbeat.
“Hey,” Seth said gruffly, interrupting your inner-thoughts, “you’ve got a customer waiting.” You sighed and straightened yourself, mentally preparing for more mind-numbing social interaction. It was a busy day today, and your two other co-workers were out sick or on patrol. It was just you, balancing plates and trying to remember the flurry of orders that were coming your way.
You put on a polite smile and went to the front counter, only to freeze. Joel was sitting there, staring at you.
“Um… welcome,” you said awkwardly, your smile dropping a bit. You caught yourself and forced it back- right now, Joel was just a customer. At least that’s what you tried to tell yourself. “Howdy,” he said, equally as awkward, to your comfort. Seth walked out from behind and nodded in acknowledgement. “Hey Joel, want your usual?” He asked gruffly. The two men didn’t seem to be very friendly towards each other- Seth especially- but you figured it was just because they were two grumpy old men.
Joel nodded. “Yep.” Seth tossed his washrag over his shoulder and went to pour him a mug. Joel’s eyes moved back to you, his big hand drumming on the counter. “So uh, how ya holdin’ up?” He asked quietly after a beat of unbearably awkward silence.
“I’m fine,” you replied. You crossed your arms, hugging yourself in a sort of protective way. He nodded. “That’s good, that’s good. You gettin’ along with Ellie and Dina?” You nodded, your eyes focusing on Seth, hoping he’d come to your rescue. “Yeah- they’ve been really good to me.”
“Here,” Seth said as he slid over the mug of beer, a bit of it sloshing out onto the counter. Joel grunted a thank you and grabbed it, taking a big swig. You were relieved, but then Seth went to the back, leaving you completely alone with Joel now. You realized that the bar was practically empty now, of course it was. You knew it was probably just coincidence, but you couldn’t help but think maybe the rest of the town saw Joel’s true colors, too. Maybe they were afraid of him just as much as you were.
“Can I get you anything else?” You asked softly, hoping he’d say no and leave.
“When are ya gonna forgive me?” He asked suddenly. You met his eyes, saw something that looked like hurt in them. He was gripping his mug tight, way tighter than he needed to.
“I don’t know,” you answered honestly. You weren’t even sure if you wanted to forgive him- why was he making you feel bad for being upset that he kidnapped you? Anger simmered in your veins. “We only talked a few weeks ago, I told you I needed time.”
“A few weeks ago,” Joel reiterated, “I was hopin’ you’d have made up your mind by now.”
“Well, I haven’t. And honestly, I’m leaning more towards not forgiving you.” You said boldly, wanting him to know how angry you were. “You can’t just pester me into forgiveness. I said to give me time, you said you’d give me time, so give me time.”
“I’ve given you ‘nough time,” he said, that low growl seeping into his voice. He seemed to realize it, as he took another swig of his beer and cleared his throat. “I uh, I built that bedframe for ya. Er I started, anyway- gotta finish buildin’ it in the house. I can come over with the pieces n’ get started whenever you’d like.”
“If you think that’s going to make me make a decision faster, you’re wrong.” You mumbled. That seemed to piss him off, but he held his tongue. “I don’t know how much more I gotta prove it to ya,” he said quietly, “I care about ya. I ain’t gonna hurt ya, not ever. I just wanted to keep ya safe.”
“Well, that isn’t how you do it.” You muttered. He planted his free hand firmly onto the table, the impact rattling the mug. “Is it because of Tommy?” You furrowed your brows in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“The dinner a few nights ago- I saw you smilin’ and laughin’ at all his jokes. Seemed awfully chummy.”
“Joel, he’s married-” you said a little louder than you’d meant. “I know, I know,” he said with an irritated tone that appalled you, “don’t mean you can’t be interested.”
“I’m not interested in Tommy,” you said exasperatedly, wondering what in the world he was on about. “I’m just trying to find myself, like I told you.”
“You don’t need ta find yourself,” he grumbled, “ya just need to stay with me.” You felt a strange mixture of anger and something you couldn’t name, something like… happiness? Satisfaction? The thought of letting him take care of you- although you refused to acknowledge it- was almost too easy to lean into.
“You’re sick,” you mumbled feebly, a sloppy defense against your own conflicting feelings. “There has to be someone else to bother, why does it have to be me?”
“Bother?” He repeated quietly. “I saved you. If it weren’t f’me, you woulda been dead n’ rottin’ in that forest, girl.”
“Yeah, well, it doesn’t mean you’re entitled to me.” You snapped back. His eye twitched, his jaw set so hard you wondered if his teeth would crack. “You’re right,” he said, he admitted after a few beats of silence. He promptly got up from his seat, giving you a look you couldn’t read before walking out the door.
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Joel was angry. His patience- which he didn’t have much of in the first place- was running dangerously thin. He couldn’t believe how you still felt so hostile towards him, after all he’d done. He’d tried and tried and tried to get you to see he wasn’t the monster you thought he was, and nothing! Absolutely nothing was working, and it was starting to make him think maybe he should just become exactly what you wanted him to be.
If you wanted a monster, he’d be one.
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A/N: Okay maybe I take back what I said last chapter, things are definitely going to get a bit worse between them before it gets better.
Also a much shorter/jankier chapter than I'd liked, but I had started it waaayy back and didn't have time to work back on it and also had lots of writer's block and a bunch of other stuff, but it's finally out and I hope you enjoy !!
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@taniamiller @ilovetoomanymen @ratatouilleremyrini @letsbepeoplemaren @anqieluv @multifandomlovef @ghuoab @ayumiipiie @madmelz @soymiguelsesposa
