#mayella

with a taste of your lips, i'm on a ride

toxic yuri but make it everyone else's problem instead

decided on this because why can’t they date like this??? headcanons under cut ⬇️

one character has not left my mind: Mayella Violet Ewell. For someone who appears on maybe ten pages, she is undeniably central to the moral code of this classic. I am not here to argue that she “did nothing wrong.” I am here to argue that she cannot be understood with only one mindset. Mayella Ewell is not simple. She is not just the villain, and she is not just the victim. She is both powerless and powerful, that contradiction is exactly what makes her so very important.

To truly understand Mayella, we have to understand the environment she comes from. The Ewells are the poorest white family in Maycomb, poorer in dignity if not stricter in labor than the Cunninghams. Scout calls them dirty and mean, while the town views them as plain old white trash. The Ewells are described as lazy, mean, and dirty. Unlike the Cunninghams who work for their money, the Ewells rely on the government. (Which can be a slight jab at the stereotype that people of color live off the government as Tom Robinson works and Bob Ewell doesn't.)

We know that the Ewells live near the dump and work in it. The tribe of which Burris Ewell and his brethren consisted had lived on the same plot of earth behind the Maycomb dump, and had thrived on county welfare money for three generations. The Ewells rely solely on Robert E. Lee Ewell, the patriarch of the family which we find out in the line, “Ain’t got no mother,” was the answer, “and their paw’s right contentious.” and the line, “Are you the father of Mayella Ewell?” was the next question. “Well, if I ain’t I can’t do nothing about it now, her ma’s dead,” was the answer. Which to quickly address, what a horrible comment for Bob Ewell to make in front of his daughter, which I digress.

SIKE.

Liv Conway does not digress.

What a comment! What a horrible comment to say about your daughter's dead mother in front of a legal jury, considering that Maycomb is a small town, the jury most likely knew Mrs Ewell! If Bob Ewell is clearly comfortable saying this publicly, what else does he say in private? But we know what he says in private thanks to Tom Robinson. Tom Robinson shut his eyes tight. “He says you goddamn whore, I’ll kill ya.” That very moment reveals his cruelty, his blatant carelessness, and his complete lack of respect for women which includes his own daughter.

The lack of dignity in the Ewell household becomes even more apparent when Mayella reacts to Atticus giving her a shred of respect, “Mayella looked from under lowered eyelids at Atticus, but she said to the judge: “Long’s he keeps on callin‘ me ma’am an sayin’ Miss Mayella. I don’t hafta take his sass, I ain’t called upon to take it.”” As well as Scout’s reaction from the balcony, “I wondered if anybody had ever called her “ma’am,” or “Miss Mayella” in her life; probably not, as she took offense to routine courtesy. What on earth was her life like? I soon found out.” Mayella does not understand basic courtesy. She's so unused to dignity that she sees very basic politeness as mockery. Respect feels threatening because she's never got to experience it. Respect feels like a threat when you are so used to humiliation in your day to day life.

The sheer number of kids that live on the Ewell property is unknown, around the numbers of 6-10, Nobody was quite sure how many children were on the place. Some people said six, others said nine; there were always several dirty-faced ones at the windows when anyone passed by. With Mayella being the eldest and Burris being close in age to Scout. Brethren is typically used in regards to males so if our lovely narrator, Scout, is using it correctly, the Ewells mainly consist of boys. But, Scout is not a super reliable narrator. I would not call her an unreliable narrator as she is relatively young throughout this book.

Nonetheless, there are a boat load of kids. The Ewells mother is dead. Their father is a drunken abuser. Mayella, at nineteen, is the eldest. Legally an adult, yes, but emotionally? Educationally? Socially? She is barely literate and has likely spent her life raising siblings while enduring horrific neglect and abuse. When I call her a girl, I mean it. Age does not equal maturity, especially when someone grows up in violence.

The abuse in the household is not a secret, as Atticus tells Jem.“..So if spitting in my face and threatening me saved Mayella Ewell one extra beating, that’s something I’ll gladly take. He had to take it out on somebody and I’d rather it be me than that houseful of children out there. You understand?” The implication is clear: everyone knows that Bob hurts his children. Even Tom Robinson mentions the sexual abuse when he says in court, “She says what her papa do to her don’t count.” And yet….nothing. The court does not pursue this. The town does not confront it. It is treated as an unfortunate but ordinary fact of life. Why? Because exposing the very man Bob Ewell is would destabilize white male authority, even if he is considered scum. Mayella's suffering becomes secondary to preserving racial and gendered hierarchy. As Atticus says to the court, “Her father saw it, and the defendant has testified as to his remarks. What did her father do? We don’t know, but there is circumstantial evidence to indicate that Mayella Ewell was beaten savagely by someone who led almost exclusively with his left.” An easy to miss part. It clearly points to Bob Ewell as being the perpetrator in his daughter's assault. But it just… disappears. It is not treated as the central crime of the courtroom. Instead, the trial focuses on protecting white womanhood from a Black man. When the real issue is the abuse by a father.

Mayella is essentially powerless in her home, powerless in her town, powerless as a WOMAN. But in the courtroom, she becomes powerful because she is white. There’s no doubt about that, to the extent that I won't argue that. While she is socially white, she is socially disposable. A poor, uneducated white woman. Her race grants her authority in that specific space.

And yet, Scouts overview complicates everything as she describes Mayella.

“As Tom Robinson gave his testimony, it came to me that Mayella Ewell must have been the loneliest person in the world. She was even lonelier than Boo Radley, who had not been out of the house in twenty-five years. When Atticus asked had she any friends, she seemed not to know what he meant, then she thought he was making fun of her. She was as sad, I thought, as what Jem called a mixed child: white people wouldn’t have anything to do with her because she lived among pigs; Negroes wouldn’t have anything to do with her because she was white. She couldn’t live like Mr. Dolphus Raymond, who preferred the company of Negroes, because she didn’t own a riverbank and she wasn’t from a fine old family. Nobody said, “That’s just their way,” about the Ewells. Maycomb gave them Christmas baskets, welfare money, and the back of its hand. Tom Robinson was probably the only person who was ever decent to her. But she said he took advantage of her, and when she stood up she looked at him as if he were dirt beneath her feet.”

This makes her accusation so tragic.

Tom likely showed her kindness, perhaps the first kindness she’s ever received. And in a moment of fear, shame, and social pressure, she chose (or was forced) to weaponize the only power she had: her whiteness.

She condemns an innocent man, yes. That cannot be erased. But the choice does not come from simple evil. It comes from terror, isolation, abuse, and a desperate need to survive her fathers wrath and the town's judgment.

To touch on the idea that Bob could of forced Mayella to claim Tom raped her, i’m simply reading between the lines and inferring on the disgusting character of Bob Ewell. The most cut and dry possibility is that Bob caught Mayella in a compromising position with Tom, (kissing). Bob beats her. In rage and humiliation, he demands that she says Tom raped her. The punishment for not listening? Another beating. Possibly worse. I wouldn't put that beneath him. Mayella already knows that her father won't hesitate to put his hands on her. The town won't intervene and she's the only one who can protect herself. Mayella wouldn't have had to be convinced, she knows what could happen to her by her fathers hands. Bob also could have made his impressionable daughter think that it's entirely her fault, maybe things like, “You threw yourself at him.” “You’ll ruin this family.” That type of gaslighting. In a deeply racist and patriarchal society, a white woman desiring a black man would be socially destroyed. Bob could have easily got that point across. If Mayella admitted she kissed Tom, she would be blamed. If she claimed rape, she’d be protected by the law. There’s also to consider that Mayella is raising her siblings, if Bob would of gone to prison for abuse or incest, they’d lose the welfare checks and illegal hunting. The kids would have been separated, the family would be dismantled, she would lose the only (broken) structure she knows. A white woman accusing a black man was automatically believed. A black man accusing a white man (especially of incest) would not be.

Mayella has lived her entire life under her fathers eyes. He humiliates her. He controls her. He likely gaslights her. He defines what the truth is in that home. If he insists that Tom assaulted her, after beating her and screaming at her, she may even begin to reshape the memory under that intense pressure. Abuse can distort the truth. Trauma has a way of being hidden in the brain.

I also want to mention that Bob is a pathetic excuse of a man. He could have easily felt emasculated. His daughter was alone with a black man, the town would mock him even more, his authority was threatened. So he redirects that onto Tom. Mayella could have easily learned that if Tom's guilty, Bob isn't. While, we would all like to think that she would hate her father. That's not how life works. A part of her subconscious could still want her only living parents approval. If Tom’s guilty, she isn't “dirty.” If Tom is guilty, the town's racial order remains intact.

Mayella has the privilege of being a white woman in the 1930s, which puts her above Tom, a black male in rural Alabama. She could cry wolf and get believed.

On the other hand, she’s a teenager that has grown up being sexually and physically abused her entire life. She’s the sole guardian to her younger siblings as her father is an abusive drunk. She has never seen kindness.

(So! Here we are again, with yet another freewrite. This one, however, got EXTREMELY angsty, and I dunno if it’s because I’m tired or because I’m a softhearted little baby, but I actually cried at least twice while writing it. Anyways, for this one we got Engineer meeting up with the daughter he put up for adoption years ago and.......hooooo boy. This is a ride. Anyway, hope you enjoy.)

It occurred to Dell, as he waited outside the convenience store, that he’d never properly met the person he’d agreed to reunite with.

He knew one thing: her name was Mayella, and for the past twenty years he’d had little to no contact with her. He had met her only one time, and it had been very brief— the whole day was a blur, but it was one he recalled as the most stressful moment of his life. It was the day she was born, so it should have been the best day ever, but for a terrified young man who had never wanted children, it was quite the opposite.

She’d been placed in his arms for just a few seconds before he had choked out, “Please take her away, I don’t want her!” before handing her to the nearest nurse and burying himself back into the blankets while ignoring her cries. He remembered how different the nurses and the doctor treated him after that incident: like he’d committed a horrible sin, like he was now less of a person because he hadn’t agreed to take care of a little thing the universe had quite literally dropped onto his lap without warning. Yet as the paperwork was taken care of and the infant was removed out of Dell’s life, he didn’t really regret the decision. He continued his studies, worked as hard as he could, and ended up taking over the job passed down to him from his grandfather. He reached success, he grew into the man he’d always wanted to be, and he wouldn’t have traded that for the world.

And yet...

He did think about her, more than he’d like to admit. Whenever he’d see children playing outside on playgrounds, while their parents watched or pushed them on the swings, he couldn’t help but feel a deep ache in his heart. That could have been him, playing games with his little girl, helping her down the slide or pushing her on the swing set, but it wasn’t. However, whenever those regretful thoughts would creep in, he’d push them back with one overarching mindset, the one he’d had since the day she was born: she had a new family now. She had parents who were ready to care for her, who had the time and the means to bring up a child. Wherever she was, she was happy, and that was all that mattered. Dell had nothing to regret.

Now he watched the store where she’d agreed to meet him over the phone. Her voice sounded so rough for a twenty year old, and if Dell hadn’t known who she was he would have assumed she were a much older woman. But, no, she was his child. His daughter— how strange. He had no idea what she even looked like, but all she’d told him was that she’d be wearing a pink bandanna around her neck.

And all of the sudden, Dell looked out the window and there she was. From far away, she looked so small and fragile, but as she got closer she became what she was: a thick-bodied girl with arms and hands that spoke of years of hard, physical work. Dell quickly unlocked the passenger side door, opening it for her.

“Howdy!” He exclaimed, and then realized he actually had no plan for what else he was going to say. What was the proper protocol for meeting one’s own child? He had no idea, but he didn’t have much time to think as she was already in the seat next to him.

Mayella situated herself in the seat next to him, where she immediately pulled out a little glass bottle from her plastic bag.

“I got you some sweet tea,” she told him timidly, though her voice suddenly didn’t match her face anymore. She placed the still-cold bottle into his palm. “Ain’t as good as what I got back home, but...”

Dell couldn’t help but laugh, gratefully taking the bottle. “Aw, thanks! You didn’t have to get me nothin’, it looks mighty good,” he started the car back up once he’d closed the door. “I was thinkin’ I’d just take you to my place, that okay?”

Mayella nodded. “Yep, that’s fine,”

They did talk during the car ride, much to Dell’s delight. He was so worried the drive would be awkward, but once he started asking her about school and what she wanted to do, they hit it off right away. He learned that she was studying to be an architect, while also dabbling in physics, and he couldn’t have been prouder.

Once they arrived to the rental cabin where Dell was staying for the week, he let her in and showed her to a seat.

“You want anything to eat? Drink?” He wanted to know as they both sat down in the living room.

Mayella shrugged. “Nah, I’m good,”

“All right,” Dell folded his arms, before the room became silent. Neither of them said anything for a long moment, and after a few seconds Mayella took a breath.

“So...” she started, staring down at the floor. “I guess the first thing I wanna ask is...why’d you give me up?”

Dell knew she was going to ask that, and luckily he’d prepared an answer. “Well, i was real young, you know? I was still in school, I didn’t have a job or nothin’, I couldn’t care for a baby,” he smiled reassuringly at her. “I knew you’d be better off if you had a family who could take care of you properly, y’know?”

Mayella just nodded, looking back up at him. “Okay...that’s kinda what I figured,”

“Yeah,” Dell agreed. He paused, before posing the question, “So, uh, what’s your family like, anyway?”

“Good, I guess,” Mayella sat up taller, tucking her hair back. “We got a farm, we sell apples and peaches. Make a lot of money,”

Dell felt relieved to hear that. “Good, real good. Got any siblings?”

Mayella nodded. “Yep. Got a lil’ sister, her name’s Ruby. She’s in high school,”

“Oh, that’s great!” Dell grinned, glad to hear she wasn’t an only child in that household. “I bet you two get along real well,”

Mayella’s smile faltered. “Ah, well...I mean...not really,” she let out a little laugh. “I-I mean, she’s great, she’s a nice kid, I guess, but...” she sighed. “This is gonna sound real stupid, but...I’ve always been jealous of her,”

Dell frowned. “Jealous? Aw, hon, you can’t go around bein’ jealous,”

“I know, I know,” Mayella waved him off. “It’s just...I knew I was adopted, y’know? And Ruby, well...she wasn’t,”

Dell slowly realized what Mayella was saying. “Oh...” he went quiet, before asking, “Your mom and dad, did they...did they treat you different from her?”

Mayella didn’t look at him. “Yeah,” she admitted after a long pause. “She was their lil’ miracle baby, they had no idea she was gonna show up. She was a gift from the heavens, she got everythin’ she wanted. And me?” She sighed again, though this time it sounded wearier. “I was just the fat big sister. I did all the chores, all the work, while mom and dad gave her the world and all the stars. I used to hate her back then, but...I don’t now. It ain’t her fault,”

Dell’s heart sank at what he was hearing. His daughter, a modern day Cinderella? He’d never even entertained the thought.

“Oh, Mayella...” he took her hand into his, squeezing it. “Hey...I-I’m sorry,”

Mayella squeezed his hand back, but she assured him, “It’s okay, really. Mom and dad gave me a roof over my head, at least, so I guess I should be grateful, yeah?” She cleared her throat. “Besides, it wasn’t like I was an easy kid,”

“Yeah?” Dell moved a little closer to her. “Well, neither was I. No kid is really ‘easy’,”

“I know, but...” Mayella frowned. “I was always a very emotional kid. Used to piss everyone off when I’d cry over nothin’. One day mom got so angry at me ‘cause I was cryin’ so much after a boy in my class called me a fat cow, and it was keepin’ her from cookin’ dinner,” she laughed, but it was a laugh clearly masking pain. “She called for dad all like, ‘Mayella’s bein’ wishy-washy, get in here and give her somethin’ to cry about!’ God, it’s so clear in my head...”

Dell, however, was horrified. “They didn’t hug you? They didn’t talk to your teacher about the kid who harassed you? They got mad at you for bein’ sad?”

Mayella seemed a bit confused. “Well...no, I mean— I had to fight my own battles. Can’t rely on mom and dad for everything, y’know?”

“I know!” Dell blurted out, perhaps a bit louder than he’d meant to. “I just...” he sighed, feeling regret welling up in his heart. “Had that been me...I would have hugged you, told you how beautiful you are, and gone to give that teacher a piece of my mind about lettin’ some kid call you names,” he looked down to his hands for a moment, going quiet, imagining it. He imagined her as a little girl, coming to him in tears, while he fixed her a nice meal and kissed her tears away. Afterwards, he’d sit with her on the front porch and play silly songs on the guitar for her until she smiled again. God...that would have been something.

He looked back up with her, just in time to see the tears falling from her eyes, and he realized she’d been imagining it too. She sniffled, her lower lip shaking as she tried to smile. “That would’ve been real nice,” she choked out, her eyes shimmering. She roughly wiped them away with her wrist, sighing. “I...I always thought you’d never want me. No one wanted me when Ruby came, no one wanted to date me in high school ‘cause I was just the weird fat chick, and no one wants me now...” she looked down at herself, a disgust in her eyes. “I hate being me sometimes,”

That did it. Dell stood right up, going straight to her side and pulling her into his arms for a tight embrace. “Don’t you dare say that,” his voice shook when he spoke, but he could hardly care. “Fuck all of those folks who couldn’t see your worth— fuck them for makin’ you think those awful things about yourself,” tears were trailing down his cheeks, now, and he pulled away just enough to brush her hair out of her face and look her in the eyes. “You are so damn smart, and you are beautiful, Mayella. In every possible definition of the word, you are beautiful,”

Mayella broke out into loud sobs, and she buried her face in his chest, letting out the years of frustration of self hatred as she wept. She held him like a lifeline, sobbing as her tears soaked his clothing, but he couldn’t care less. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her so tightly that he never wanted to let go. He wasn’t going to let her go again— she was his to keep, now.

As he held his daughter and cried with her, he felt himself wanting to sink deeper into regret. His mind reeled with the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘if onlys’, but he pushed it all down.

He couldn’t live in the past, all he could do was gather her back into his arms and move forward. Perhaps he couldn’t make peace with that in this moment, since he was far too emotional to think rationally, but he would later.

For now, he settled onto the sofa with Mayella all wrapped up in his arms, and he let her rest against his shoulder. She’d mostly calmed down, but she smiled up at him weakly, her eyes red from the tears.

“Y’know,” she remarked after a moment. “Out of all of the folks out there who could’ve been my dad, I’m real glad it’s you,”