in over my head (can't help but be scared)
spent the last 3 days writing this 'cause i wanted to post it before the new episode! not a spec fic, more what i wish had happened at the end of 9x13 (what an episode, uhn?! đ¤Š) when buck and eddie make their way back to la, basically just add water tommy! thank you to @leashybebes for helping me make this possible đĽš
title from oh my days by orville peck
7669 words | rated T also on AO3
The phone rings and Tommy sighs as he picks it up. "Kinard Transportation Services are not available at this moment. If you need a ride, call yourself an Uber."
"Tommy," There's an huff, indignant and Tommy rolls his eyes but waits. "Come on, man!"
"What do you want, Diaz?"
"Well-"
Tommy lets out a loud laugh. "You want a fucking ride, don't you?" He shakes his head, leaning back against his door. "I'm sorry, man," He was not. "I can't get my hands on a helicopter right now." Not for you.
"I know," Eddie says with a big sigh and Tommy frowns. "That's actually why I'm calling you, man."
"What are you talking about?" He straightens up, looking around the parking lot as if he'll find Diaz standing on the other side of it, which would be close to impossible.
"You never turned off Find My Friends since the last match we went to together," It wasn't his first priority, really, not when he was breaking up with- nope, not going there now. He had just forgotten about the whole thing. "You're like 2 miles away from us."
"Us?" Images of Evan on the floor crying for a Captain, a father, he had just lost flood his brain and it's not hard to start imagining the worst. He manages to hold back enough to keep his voice even. "What's going on?"
"We got into a nasty car accident in Bumfuck Nowhere, Buck got taken and the car I bought for like 5 dollars to find him just died on us." Tommy would almost laugh at the nonchalant way his old friend manages to explain a terrible situation, almost reminds him of a bar during game night with-stop.
Tommy sighs and opens Find My Friends. A little icon with a picture of Eddie and Chris pings up very close to him. He could get there in- "Give me ten minutes."
"Thanks, man."
If he spends the next five minutes trying to prepare himself for the fact that he'll be seeing Evan again, that's his prerogative. They were in a car accident, they are okay, they just need a ride, he can do that. He was on his way to LA anyway.
He had driven down to his Uncle's house in Arizona a few days ago for a car part, thought it was the perfect time to clear his head, get away a bit. The Firefighter Auction wasâŚsomething. He didn't participate, obviously. He would not be caught dead on that stage. He was in the crowd though, right at the back, Lucy wanted to support her old teammates at the 118 and he had agreed to go with her. It was fine. He was over him.
It had been more than a year, after all.
Tommy had smiled when Harry got on stage, laughing loudly when Athena was the one who won the bidding war. The kid was at the 118, Bobby would have liked that, he thought. Eddie's heart was clearly not in it and the man was sporting a bandage that seemed fresh. A phone bidder wins a date with him, which wasâŚsuspicious.
He had wanted to smack over everyone in the crowd during Ravi's turn and he had almost raised a hand before he noticed May Grant do it for him. It had been interesting to say the least.
Tommy hadn't expected the production of Evan's turn on stage.
The video on the big screens, the music, the confident stride onto the stage. Everyone cheering and screaming for him, paddles raised in the air insistently. He had excused himself to the bathroom halfway between the ripping off of the shirt and the announcer beginning the bids.
It was fine. He was over him.
He parks the car right behind the absolute piece of junk scrap Eddie bought, where the man himself is talking heatedly with a man he would recognize anywhere. He takes another deep breath before he exits the car. It is fine. He is over him.
His plans to act cool, aloof, indifferent, go out the window the moment Evan turns and he gets a good look at the two men in front of him. Eddie had said car accident and kidnapping but-
"What the fuck happened to you two?!" His voice is more high-pitched than he meant it to be but Evan's face is full of scratches and he's holding his torso in pain and Eddie is equally as injured. What the fuck?!
"I-I thought you told him." Evan says, glancing between Eddie and him.
Eddie holds up his hands. "I did!"
"You said you were in a car accident, this looks like you-" He interrupts himself at the shifty looks in their faces. "Start talking." He all but orders.
And they do.
Between Evan's adorable stuttering and Eddie's tired voice, they tell him about coming back from Nashville to try and make it for Hen's surprise party and getting lost around New Mexico. About stopping at a diner for directions and getting into a fight. About leaving with directions towards the I-10 but getting run off the road by a big truck. About Eddie waking up in the hospital alone, injured and accused of having done something to Evan while Evan woke up in an unfamiliar house in unfamiliar clothes and being held captive by an unstable woman.
"And when we stopped at this truck stop, the car just wouldn't start again," Eddie continues. "Triple A doesn't work in a car I don't own."
"My phone was destroyed in the crash."
"And I refuse to get an Uber account."
Tommy sighs, leaning against the hood of his truck and running his hand through his hair. He wasâŚoverwhelmed. That was probably the best word to describe what he was feeling. He wants to wrap the two of them in bubble wrap, keep them in storage safe and sound. He wants to shove them into a hospital and not let them leave until they are okay. He wants to drive to New Mexico and give those people a piece of his mind. He looks up at Eddie, at the exhaustion in his eyes. He looks up at Evan, at the scratches on his face. He wants to kiss him, to hold him.
Fuck.
"Alright, well," Tommy clears his throat, slapping his hands once on his thighs as he stands up. "What do you two say we go home?" He hooks a thumb over his shoulder, at his truck.
It was almost anti-climatic.
Twenty minutes later, Tommy is driving west on the I-10, his truck now with two more people. Almost an hour later, Eddie is snoring in the back seat and Evan is strangely quiet in the passenger seat. The radio is on, quiet, he recognizes the familiar strings to You Shook Me All Night Long and he lets himself let that distract him. It almost works.
Because Evan is quiet now.
He had been talking to Eddie before, when the other man was awake, talking about all the landmarks they missed on their way home, before they got lost in New Mexico. And Eddie would roll his eyes, amused and nod and hum in agreement. Tommy thinks that Evan did it on purpose, used his voice to lull Eddie into a peaceful slumber.
He had been talking, almost animatedly, almost excited. Now, his leg was restless, he was hunched over himself. He was quiet and that was the strangest part of all.
"How are you feeling?" Tommy asks, quietly, not looking away from the road in front of him.
Evan isn't looking at him this time, those blue eyes shining bright in the skyscraper lights and he's glad to not be repeatedly reminded of that day. No, Evan keeps his head down, looking at a specific scratch on his finger. But he stops fidgeting.
"Tired."
And Tommy wants to shake himself, shake some sense, some respectability into himself. Wants to shake the need to take care of Evan, to care for him, to lo-Shake it off!
"I-If you want, you can sleep," Tommy offers, almost desperate for a quiet drive. For the prospect of looking at Evan all he wants without having to be careful. "I am okay to drive for the next few hours."
His cousin had an ergonomic mattress in his guest room and Tommy wanted to cry the moment he laid on it. He should have stolen it, set up a bed in the back of his truck, so that Evan had a comfortable place to sleep and- Get it together, Kinard.
But Evan shakes his head.
He shouldn't, he doesn't have the right. He asks anyway. "Do you, uhm, want to talk about it?"
Evan's breath is shaky as it comes out through his lips. He is silent and Tommy lets the silence linger, hopes that it comforts the younger man. That it shows that he is okay now.
"I keep thinking that," Evan starts, voice so quiet, it's almost drowned out by the sounds of the car, the road noise under the tires. Tommy hears it. "If I close my eyes, I'll wake up there."
Oh, that makes sense.
Tommy nods. "Eddie said that the people responsible were arrested."
"Yeah," Evan nods, lets it linger. "I told you about getting struck by lightning, right?"
Tommy nods, fingers clenching on the steering wheel, hands at 10 and 2.
He remembers. It was one of those sudden LA storms and he was staying over, their date running late and it wasn't like Tommy would say no to spending the night with Evan. He had woken up in the middle of the night to quiet whimpering, steady shaking from his left side. Evan had been curled up on his side of the bed, no longer draped across Tommy's chest like he usually was and all Tommy had been able to see was the man's bare back and the way his torso would stutter with his shaky breathing. He reached out an arm to pull Evan back towards him, to check on him when thunder struck and Evan's hand grasped his arm, nails sinking into his skin. He hadn't cared about that, he'd cared about how terrified Evan had been.
He doesn't want to think too much about that day.
About holding onto a crying Evan, about rubbing his damp back slowly, about whispering comforting words as rain fell and thunder rumbled outside, about watching his breathing calm as the storm moved away, about drawing a bath at 4AM, half-submerged in the hot water with Evan in his arms, slowly relaxing. About hearing that Evan had died for 3 minutes and 17 seconds. About the fact that he might have never met Evan Buckley.
"Yeah."
The sound of Evan's breathing is louder than Axl Rose's high-pitched singing of Welcome to the Jungle on the radio. He doesn't push, they have more than 6 hours until they reach LA, there's time. Eddie's snoring gets louder for a moment as he changes positions on the backseat.
"I-I was in a coma for a few days after that," Evan explains, quietly, and Tommy is glad for the comfortable padding on his steering wheel. "I, uh, I saw things?" Tommy spares him a raised eyebrow glance that makes Evan huff out a short laugh. It almost feels like a win. "I mean, I-I was dreaming while I was in that coma."
Tommy nods, letting out a noise of confirmation. He'd heard of things like that happening.
"It was, uhm, so real," Evan continues, eyes on the front window, on the open road. "I-I was a teacher, my parents were around, m-my brother was still alive," Tommy nods, he'd heard about Daniel, he was in a framed picture in Maddie and Howie's house. He had confused the young boy for Evan at first but the ages didn't match up - Maddie had explained who the child was to him. "B-But my sister was still with her ex and Eddie wasn't around and B-Bobby, he was, uhm," And Tommy cursed being in a car as he watches tears start running down Evan's cheeks. He holds out a hand anyway, his fingers finding the fabric of Evan's jeans and, like during a stormy LA night, Evan grips his hand, nails digging into his skin. "He was dead," He says it in a whisper, his gasping breath loud in the small space. "A-And when I woke up, Bobby said, uhm, he said I could message him, when I felt like, uhm, like I was stuck back there, th-that he would remind me that I was back in the real world."
Tommy grips Evan's hand back, desperately wishes he could pull his truck over, hold the other man through his tears. He spares a glance to a still sleeping Eddie through the rear view mirror, and, on instinct, brings Evan's hand to his lips, kisses the back of it, soft, lingering.
He feels Evan's eyes on him, forces himself to look out at the front window, hopes his pounding heart isn't audible through the highway sounds, Eddie's snores and the commercial for indigestion tablets on the radio. Evan's thumb moves slowly, so slowly, over his skin, grip still tight but looser. He wants to say something, anything, but he can only watch through the corner of his eye as Evan wipes his tears away, as he keeps his eyes on their joined hands. It feels like watching through a monitor surrounded by army officials, through a crowd of uniformed first responders. He feels useless, like there's not right word to say, no magic spell to make Evan feel better. He moves his thumb over the other man's skin.
"You weren't in the dream," Evan says so quiet and Tommy nods. They hadn't met yet. "T-There was one time, I, uh, I had a nightmare. I was stuck on that dream, at a dinner with my parents at Maddie's house and all I heard was her screams from the other room, it was-" He interrupts himself, letting out a shaky exhale. "I-I woke up a-and all I could think about was messaging B-Bobby but then y-you wrapped your arm around me and pulled me to you," Tommy didn't remember that night, not really. "You weren't in the dream and feeling you against me, it, uh, it reminded me that I wasn't there anymore. I-I didn't need to call Bobby to be sure."
Tommy nods and wonders when is he gonna stop feeling guilty for that night, for not staying and talking. The guilt isn't new, of course, he's felt it since the moment that door closed behind him. It hasn't stopped since.
"I-I'm sorry," Evan whispers and his grip turns so loose, Tommy feels his hand slip but he holds tighter. He's tired of running. "I don't want you to, uhm, to feel obligated to, I don't know, be nice to me or anything. I-I just, uhm, I needed to get it out."
"Evan-"
"Shit!" Eddie exclaims with a pained grunt from the backseat and Evan removes his hand completely. Tommy lets him, albeit reluctantly.
"You okay, Diaz?" Tommy calls out, flexes his fingers on the padded steering wheel as he watches from the corner of his eye as Evan turns to the passenger side window.
"I was turning to my left side and my arm hurts like a bitch," He groans and groans as he sits up on his seat. Tommy feels Eddie's eyes on the two of them over the rear view mirror. "You two okay?"
Tommy opens his mouth to answer, to try and give Evan another moment. He disagrees. "I was telling Tommy about my new house," It takes all he has not to act surprised. He nods instead with a small smile. "And the gym I set up in my backyard." His voice is cheerful, happy, fake and Tommy wants to shake Eddie, make him notice, make him ask.
"I still say you should put a pool there," Eddie says instead, leaning back on the seat and stroking his injured arm. "The kids would love it."
"The kids or you?" Evan laughs.
It's not the laughter that used to make Tommy's stomach start fluttering or make him feel so light he could fly. It's nothing like that, it's not real and he feels himself frown at the sound.
He tries to catch Evan's gaze. Fails.
"Fun for all ages!" Eddie calls out with a wide grin.
"Maybe in the summer," Evan acquiesced, turning back towards the front, hand stroking over his torso. "Do you think there's a chance for a pit stop, Tommy?"
Evan meets his eyes for a second, before he focuses somewhere outside the window, his smile is small, affable. He knows Evan's smiles, catalogued them for the entirety of the six months they were together, ranked them and revisited them when he needed them. This one isn't real.
Tommy takes a deep breath, looks out at the road, remembers the map, the last times he's made this journey before and nods. "Yeah, there's one about half an hour away."
"Awesome." Eddie does his best to stretch on the backseat without hurting himself.
It feels like torture, to drive, to focus on the road when his skin still tingles from holding Evan's hand once more after more than a year. It feels like torture to listen to Evan and Eddie talk about Chris, about Jee and baby Nash, happily, excitedly, casually, when he knows Evan isn't okay, that he is still suffering. It's not his place, if he was able to provide Evan with a listening ear, with a shoulder to cry on, then he'll do that. It is torture.
He stops the car at a shadowy spot.
It's fairly empty at this time of the afternoon, a couple of minivans sharing food between them, a dozen kids laughing and running about, clearly familiar to each other. A couple of bikers with Go-Pros on their helmets and a large truck with the curtains drawn on the cab.
The three of them leave the car, stretching with quiet groans and hisses and aches.
"Fuck," Eddie mutters. "Now that I'm standing up, I need to piss."
It startles a laugh out of Tommy.
"Yeah, I need to go too." Evan shuffles uncomfortably on his feet.
Tommy watches as Evan and Eddie glance at each other and sighs as soon as he figures out what will happen. He almost tries to stop them, remind them of their injuries, of the fact that there are more than enough toilets available. Ultimately, he just watches as the two limp quickly towards the restroom, pawing at each other in an attempt to push the other out of the way.
He shakes his head, fondly, almost willing to pretend he doesn't see the injuries and the changes on the two men that symbolize the passage of time. To pretend that it's more than a year ago and Evan and Eddie are bickering in the loft's kitchen and wrestling each other over what snack is best for a basketball game night.
Tommy walks into the 7-Eleven.
Tries to push away memories of nights laughing, cheering and shouting at a TV screen with Eddie while Evan looks at them confused and fascinated, joining in with a shout and a cheer of his own. Tries to forget the feeling of Evan's shoulders under his arm, shuffling closer against him. Tries to forget Eddie's groans when Evan would feed him a still-warm fry, or when they would share Tommy's beer bottle. Tries to forget the good times they had, together.
"Can we get donuts?"
Eddie's voice startles him. It's almost a blessing. He glances at his former friend and at the package of powdered mini donuts on the shelf in front of them. "You're in my truck," He says, a full answer but continues when Eddie only raises an eyebrow. "Obviously not."
"C'mon, man," Eddie whines. It almost manages to get a smile out of him. "I can be careful."
He moves down the aisle and grabs a pack of M&Ms and a pack of Cheez-Its, spares a glance at the pack of Nerds. Thinks of Evan's delight when they went to the aquarium, sitting by the main tank, watching the sharks and schools of fish swim around, sharing a packet between them.
It's like aquarium gravel, he had said.
"You can also walk your ass home, Diaz," He raises an eyebrow and grabs the colorful pack before he can think twice, before he can focus too much on the memory of Evan's eyes gleaming with delight as they watched a jellyfish swim close to the glass. "How about that?"
Eddie huffs, unable to fully cross his arms and that makes him smile. "I'll get us water."
Tommy sighs, ignoring Eddie's grumbling as he walks to the beverage aisle. He chooses to focus on an approaching Evan, his steps careful. He nods towards him, checking in. Evan nods back and Tommy feels a weight being lift off his shoulders.
"Pay for these," Tommy says as soon as Evan is close, passing him the basket and his card. "I'm going to the bathroom."
"T-Tommy-"
"The code is still the same," Tommy shrugs, not wanting to think too much about the trust he is still giving his ex-boyfriend. "I trust you." Tommy walks away before he gets an answer to that.
He takes his time.
They have four hours left. They are making better time than he expected, probably arriving in LA before midnight. Just four more hours. Four hours stuck in a car with his ex-boyfriend and the guy he accused his ex-boyfriend of having feelings for, the guy who was one of Tommy's closest friends before he ghosted him completely.
Tommy sighs. Why does he still get involved in these things?
And then he thinks of Howie carrying him out of a mall ready to explode, Howie calling him for a favor, and another, of Howie calling him to fly a helicopter to a sinking cruise ship and inadvertently bringing him back into the 118. He thinks of bonding with Eddie over their time in the army, the good and bad, over sports, going to fights. He thinks of getting to hang out with Chris, however short that time was, with Jee, getting his nails painted into fun colors. He thinks of catching up with Hen, watching how much her life got fuller, more lively. He thinks of getting to enjoy Bobby's cooking again, enjoy the man's paternal energy.
And he thinks of Evan, he's never stopped thinking of him. Evan, sitting in the back of the helicopter excited, anxious, determined. Evan, body damp from sweat on a sunny basketball court. Evan, in his dim-lit kitchen, lips parted and eyelashes fluttering from one kiss. Evan, sitting on the other side of the table at the restaurant, excited, anxious, worried. Evan, sitting on the other side of an outdoor cafe, excited, anxious, determined.
And he thinks of the moment he knew he'd do anything Evan asked him, anything. Evan, face covered in adorable boils, dressed in his best suit, lit by a warm Fall sun, making an eulogy for the corpse of a hundred year old outlaw. Evan, asking him to move in with him, eyes glinting with excitement, anxiety, determination.
And he thinks of the moment Tommy let fear ruin that. Of the moment Evan didn't fight for him. It doesn't matter.
Four hours to go.
The sun is starting to set and it lights up Evan's curls like a halo over his head. And he thinks of a familiar kitchen, the smell of bacon and eggs and bagels filling the air, the warm morning sun making him look so soft and warm and all wanted was to bully him back to bed, or just against the counter-top and kiss him, kiss him, kiss him.
He should have done that.
Evan's eyes find his as he approaches and this animalistic part of Tommy wants to grab him, put him over his shoulder and hide him. Hide him from everything and anything that could harm him. It's not a new sentiment, there really hasn't been a moment where Tommy didn't feel that. It's a part of him by now, to want to protect Evan, to keep him happy.
To love him.
Tommy sighs, defeated. He turns the sound into annoyance when he notices Eddie turning towards him too, hand frozen halfway to his mouth and a half-eaten box of powdered mini donuts in his other hand.
"Really?"
At least Evan has the decency to look guilty, Eddie just looks triumphant, eating his donuts with gleaming glee. It reminds him of those basketball nights again. Eddie with his own bowl of snacks because he convinced Evan to make them for him, victorious.
"H-He's gonna be careful," Evan quickly says, in defense of his best friend. "Promise."
Tommy glances towards Eddie, turning back towards Evan with a raised eyebrow and pointing over his shoulder at the way powdered sugar clings to their friend's mouth, chin, and the front of his shirt. Evan covers his face in shame, a whispered dude towards a nonplussed Eddie.
"Let's just go." Tommy walks towards his truck in a faster step.
"I'm really sorry, Tommy," Evan limps quickly to walk beside him. "I-I just-"
"You wanted to do something nice for your friend," Tommy interrupts in a soft tone, sparing a glance at the other man and the way he looks surprised, almost confused. "It's okay, Evan." He isn't mad, not even a little.
Besides, he has a plan.
As soon as they are in reach of the truck, Tommy unlocks it, sparing a look at Eddie still a few paces behind them. Evan is right behind him, already walking around the truck to the passenger side.
"Get in." Tommy instructs, a little rushed.
Evan looks startled for a split second before he does what he's told. The timing is almost too perfect. Their doors close behind them as they sit on their seats just as Eddie reaches for the handle of the backseat. Tommy quickly locks the car, making it so Eddie can't open the door.
Tommy watches with lips pressed together in glee as the man locked outside the car frowns and tries again. "Hey, Tommy, I can't get in."
It takes all he has not to cackle in delight. He opens his window a crack, just enough to be able to talk to Eddie. "I told you, Diaz, no powdered donuts in my truck."
"TommyâŚ" Evan's voice wobbles as he tries to hold in his laughter and Tommy loses his battle against a grin stretching over his face.
"Are you serious, man?"
His only answer is to close the window. He slides the key in the ignition and feels Evan's hand on his. He looks up at the frown on his ex's face. "You're not going to leave him here, are you?"
He kinda wants to.
Not leave him here in the middle of nowhere. Just, make it seem that way. Drive a few feet away, teach Eddie a lesson. To respect other people's requests.
"Nah," Tommy answers, he doesn't really want to. "Just teaching him a lesson."
Evan doesn't look relieved, Tommy doubts the other man actually thought he would do something like that. He looks less confused, like Tommy's answer matches Evan's perception.
"Come on, Tommy!"
Eddie's muffled voice makes him look outside. And he wants to laugh. There is an almost impossible amount of powdered sugar on his shirt now and despite the frown on the other man's face, it makes him softer. It reminds him of a large bowl of candy in a waiting room, of smiles and compliments that make Evan smile. It was good. Before.
Tommy opens the window a crack again. "Eat your donuts, Diaz." He closes it again and watches, amused, as Eddie huffs and puffs before leaning against the car to eat his donuts.
"Thank you."
Evan's voice is quiet and Tommy quickly loses interest in Eddie's tantrum to look at the man sitting in his passenger seat. Evan glances between the window in front of him and his hands and the radio and Tommy's jeans, never settling on one place.
"For messing with Eddie? It's my pleasure!" Tommy says with a smirk, wanting to make Evan laugh. It works, it feels like flying.
"No," Evan's voice wobbles from laughter and those beautiful soft eyes look up at him. "F-For giving us a ride, you really didn't have to." His cheeks are pink and he wants to touch them.
Tommy nods slowly. "I could have hung up on Eddie."
"E-Exactly," Evan's eyes are wide and it reminds him of adrenaline spiking during an helicopter chase around LA. "You could have."
Time to stop being a coward, Kinard.
"And I could lie right now, tell you that I'm just doing a favor for a friend, that I'm just being a good Samaritan and helping a fellow human out of a bad situation," Tommy says, feeling the swarm in his stomach revolt and sting. "I mean, I'm going your way, after all."
Evan shakes his head, barely a movement really. "You wouldn't lie to me."
It makes him falter. It's not true, he's lied before. I have a shift later, ringing painfully around his skull. He wonders if Evan realizes that, if he means that.
"No, I wouldn't," He shakes his head, forces himself to hold Evan's gaze. "I'm doing this because I wanted to see you, because I wanted to be around you again, help you in any way I can," Tommy says, it feels like an invisible weight is being lifted from his shoulders, something he didn't know was there before. "I could have hung up, I could lie, but I'm tired of pretending."
Evan's eyes are shiny, the sunset making the blue stand out, taking his breath away. "I'm tired of pretending too." The other man speaks quietly, almost afraid.
Once, during wildfire season, the engine on his helicopter stopped working.
It was just for half a second. Long enough for Lucy, his co-pilot, to freak out despite their training. Long enough for him to stop breathing. Just half a second where there was no gravity. It felt imminent. Like it was waiting for him to do something.
Waiting to see if they would crash. Waiting to see if they would make it.
It reminded him of now.
The silence was like a stalled engine. Evan's words had the capacity to be a crash landing, to be a smooth flight back to base. It felt imminent. He had to do something.
"Yeah?" He whispers, like pressing buttons on a flickering console, a death grip on the cyclic.
Evan nods, slowly, a free fall through an open sky. "I'm tired of pretending I don't-"
"I'm done!" Eddie's muffled voice and subsequent knocking on Tommy's window startles the two of them. "Can I come in now?"
The urge to drive away is strong. He's going to kill him.
Tommy glances at Evan, watches as he looks down at his hands, cheeks still pink. The engine is back online but the helicopter is on auto-pilot. He sighs and unlocks the door.
"That was a shitty move, Kinard." Eddie grumbles as he slides into the backseat.
"Is that a way to treat your only way home, Diaz?" Tommy raises his eyebrow through the rear view mirror before he turns the key in the ignition, driving out of the parking lot.
Evan reaches over to turn the radio back on, volume still low.
"Thanks, Tommy," Eddie says after a moment, after two choruses of Boogey Wonderland pass. Their eyes meet on the rear view mirror briefly. "I really appreciate it."
Tommy waves it away. "It's what anyone would do."
He feels Evan's eyes on the side of his face. Feels like glass, on display, seen.
"Maybe," Eddie shrugs, settling back on the middle seat. "But you still did it, man, I appreciate it. And, uh," Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Eddie glance at Evan. "I'm sorry for, uh, for ghosting you, man. It's just-"
"Don't worry about that," Tommy, once again, waves it away. "I get it."
He does.
Evan is his best friend. He knew the moment they broke up that he would lose everyone, specially Eddie. It didn't matter that they were friends before he and Evan started dating, it didn't matter that he knew Howie and Hen for decades before he met Evan.
It was doomed to happen. He gets it.
"There's a game on Friday," Eddie offers. "You should come to mine, we'll watch it together."
He wants to say no.
His and Evan's conversation was interrupted. For all he knows, he can accept the invitation and, as soon as they reach LA, Evan will say he never wants to see him again and Tommy will be left just as he did more than a year ago. Alone.
I'm tired of pretending.
And maybe Tommy is a little more hopeful now.
"Chris would love to see you again." In the long silence, Eddie adds in a sing-song voice.
"That's a low blow, Diaz," Tommy complains and sees Evan's lips stretch in a small smile out of the corner of his eye. "Fine, I'll go but I'm bringing the beers."
Eddie's smile is wide on the rear view mirror even as he tries to look annoyed. "Don't bring those weird caramel beers again, though, those tasted like shit." He wrinkles his nose in disgust.
And Tommy hated those too, they were a bad choice. "Maybe you just don't understand the taste of maturity." He adds, faux-condescendingly.
"I saw the way you almost gagged with those, man, don't even try!" Eddie laughs, pointing through the reflection.
"You didn't see shit!"
Evan laughs.
And Tommy has to see it happen.
The way his lips stretch, beautiful and happy. The way his cheeks rise enough to make his eyes almost look closed. The way he can still see the light happy blue anyway. The way he looks beautiful, gorgeous, perfect. The way Tommy never wants to look away.
It reminds him of a pick-up basketball game, one that Evan chose not to play in. It was after the game, Eddie and Tommy had lost against the guys from the 133, Evan handed each of them a bottle of water, watching from his perch on the bench as they guzzled it down and began to bicker and tease each other. Tommy had gotten distracted from the "argument" by the way Evan laughed and giggled, the way the sound settled in his chest, warm and light.
He plucks the sound from the air around him, adds it to the pile. Hoards it.
"How is Chris?" Tommy asks.
Last he'd seen Eddie, Chris was still in El Paso.
For the next few minutes, Tommy listens attentively as Eddie tells him about going back to El Paso for Chris, about trying to be a better father. Tells him about deciding to return to his house after the funeral. Tells him how Chris is doing well at school and how he decided to rejoin the chess team and how he's killing it at tournaments.
Eddie stops halfway through a retelling of the last tournament he went to. Confused, Tommy looks through the rear-view mirror to see Eddie focused on something else. On Evan.
Tommy glances towards the passenger seat and feels those flutters in his stomach again.
Turned towards the center console, Evan's lips are parted in those quiet snores he always pretended bothered him so he could see his cheeks turn pink and kiss them until Evan laughed. His arms are crossed in an attempt at comfort and his cheek is mushed against the seat. His legs are bent and crossed and Tommy hopes he's comfortable, as much as possible.
"I'm glad he's sleeping." Eddie whispers.
Tommy nods. "Yeah." He forces himself to look back at the road. He's carrying precious cargo.
"It's been a long day," Eddie rubs at his face, looking more tired than he has all day. "I thought he was dead, you know, when I woke up in the hospital, when I couldn't see Buck anywhere."
Tommy nods.
It feels like that lump is back. The possibility of losing Evan without even knowing about it. During the building collapse, when he heard that the 118 was trapped inside, he wondered if anyone would tell him if Evan died, or if he would find out through the radio or through a fucking newsletter.
"I'm glad I managed to help him, to get him out of there. I'm glad he isn't fucking dead." Eddie laughs, short and shaky, ending it with a trembling exhale.
"I'm glad too." Tommy's voice comes out warped, as he forces the words through the fear stuck in his throat. He blinks to clear the wetness in his eyes, flexes his hands on the steering wheel.
They are silent through the entirety of Money For Nothing.
"I hope you two manage to figure it out," Eddie says and Tommy frowns, confused. There's an embarrassed blush on the other man's face. "We kinda, uh, stopped Buck from calling you after the break-up. He didn't really tell us what happened so I, uh, I guess we thought the worst, you know?"
Tommy nods.
"He wasn't dealing with it well," Eddie continues and Tommy tries not to think of days isolated at home, of driving past the loft hoping to just see him. He didn't deal with it well, either. "But, uh, we should have tried to help him. So yeah, I know I'm kinda being a third wheel again b-"
"You're not a third wheel, Eddie," Tommy interrupts, holding Eddie's skeptical gaze in the mirror. "You never were one. You were my friend too, I wanted to hang out with you too."
Eddie doesn't look away for another minute, sighing when he finally does. "I, uh, I always worried, you know? B-But with Chris gone and you two in your honeymoon phase, I just, uh, I felt alone so I kinda latched on."
"I got it, don't worry." Tommy smiles.
He does. He enjoyed spending time with Eddie and Evan, getting to immerse himself in those moments. He just let his insecurities taint those moments for a while. Until now.
"If you drop me off first," Eddie suggests and Tommy tries to stamp on the butterflies trying to swarm his stomach again. He can't start hoping for things like this. "You can drop Buck off and then you two can talk." It's a pointed look.
Tommy sighs. The butterflies are gonna cause him indigestion. "Maybe, maybe."
His eyes land on Evan again, the way he's sleeping peacefully, the fact that he feels safe sleeping around them, around him. He catches Eddie's amused, teasing glance in the mirror and rolls hi eyes, feeling his cheeks heating up.
"Did you watch last week's match? Williams vs Gonzalez?"
It effectively distracts Eddie enough that they focus on the matches and games from the last year, catching up, making up for lost time. They are halfway through a hushed commentary on the Lakers game against the Celtics from a few months ago when he hears it.
Evan's quiet whines from the passenger seat.
He sees the way Evan's forehead is wrinkled in discomfort, lips down-turned, chest moving rapidly up and down. There's a concerned Buck? from the back seat.
"Evan?"
The man wakes up with a startled gasp and grasps tightly onto Tommy's forearm, midway through reaching out to him to comfort him. His eyes are wide and wild and his heart breaks.
"You're okay, Buck." Eddie reassures from the backseat.
Tommy moves his arm so he's holding Evan's hand instead. "You're safe, Evan, you're here."
He glances as much as he can towards his ex-boyfriend, sees the way he blinks away his tears, the way he's blinking himself back into reality. He wants to hold him. He can't.
"I-I'm okay," Evan whispers, taking deep breaths, like they are taught to do. "I'm sorry, guys."
"Don't apologize, Buck," Eddie quickly says, Tommy slowly rubs circles on the back of Evan's hand. "We're here for you."
Evan nods and Tommy manages to hold his eyes for long enough to subscribe to the sentiment. He mourns the loss of his touch when the other man retreats completely back to his seat.
"W-What were you two talking about?"
"Basketball." Eddie grins, letting Evan take control of the conversation.
"Oh?"
Tommy picks up the bag of treats from the floor of the passenger seat and drops it onto Evan's lap. "Eddie has the very incorrect opinion that the Lakers have had a bad season."
"It's not incorrect!" Eddie starts complaining, reaching a hand towards the bag Evan is looking through. "Compared to-Ow!" He exclaims pulling back his hand from where Tommy had slapped it away. "What the fuck?!"
Tommy grins, noticing the way Evan's big eyes look between the two of them. "You had your donuts, Diaz."
"I thought the snacks were for everyone, dude!" Eddie exclaims indignant.
"They were," Tommy points out. "Before you decided to get the donuts."
Eddie crosses his arms, slumping onto the backseat muttering to himself. Tommy catches Evan's conflicted gaze and winks. Evan smiles bashfully at him, catching up on his teasing, and it's like looking at the stars. Tommy digs for the Cheez-Its in the bag and throws them at Eddie, who exclaims in surprise.
"Next time, Diaz, do what I tell you."
Eddie rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, thanks." He speaks through a handful of cheesy biscuits.
Tommy flicks the volume on the radio up and watches as the tension in Evan's body slowly disappears, as he bops his head at the 80s rock, as he stuffs handfuls of Nerds into his mouth.
The last two hours of their journey pass easily. Music flowing, conversations about sports and emergencies and family, making it feel like old times. They start seeing familiar streets.
"C-Can you, uhm, can you drop off Eddie first?" Evan asks, carefully, and Tommy ignores the knowing smirk on Eddie's face at the question.
He clears his throat. "Sure," He answers, as nonchalant as possible. "You just have to put in your new address on the navigator." He nods towards his phone in the console holder.
"Of course."
Evan reaches for it, unlocking it with the code he learned early on in their relationship. Tommy tries not to think too much about the fact that he still remembers it. Muscle memory, probably.
Chris is waiting at the door with his Tia when Tommy stops at his house. Tommy waves at the teenager, receiving an at first confused wave before a wide smile shows up on his face. Eddie taps Tommy's shoulder a couple of times.
"See you Friday, man," And Tommy nods. Eddie turns to Evan, rubbing his shoulder carefully. "I'll come around tomorrow, okay? Get some rest."
"You too, Eds." Evan smiles with a nod.
Tommy waits until Eddie closes the door behind him, Tia Pepa already fussing over his injuries, before he drives away. There is silence in the car, he turned off the radio when they stopped and now only the occasional female voice of the navigator fills the space around them.
"Nice house." Tommy comments, stopping on the driveway of what seems to be Evan's house.
"T-Thanks."
Evan doesn't make a move and Tommy is sure he can hear the way his heart is pounding in the silence. He turns and sees him fiddle with empty bag of candy in his hands, biting his lip.
He should say something, he needs to say something.
"Can I-"
"Are yo-"
They speak at the same time.
Their eyes meet each other in the subsequent silence and Tommy wonders if Evan can see the way he desperately hopes, yearns. He wonders if the shine in his eyes means that he feels the same. That he also wants. He is stuck on fantasies, on wishes, on hopes and memories when Evan seems to find his bravery first.
"A-Are you free on Saturday?"
He wonders if he's still dreaming.
"Saturday?"
"I, uh," Evan looks down at the colorful wrapper his hands for a second, inhaling sharply, anxious, determined, before looking back up. "I want us to talk. I w-want us to try again."
It's cards on a table. Bravery.
Come on, Kinard.
"I-I'm free," Tommy nods. Watches the smile bloom on Evan's lips, mesmerized. Like a sunrise above the sea, several feet in the sky. "I'm free on Saturday."
And Evan presses a kiss to his cheek, steals his breath away. "Thank you for the ride, Tommy," It's soft, cheeks pink. "Thank you for being here for me, for us."
I love you.
Too early.
"I did it for you." It's what comes out instead.
But Evan smiles, sun-like. "I would do the same for you," He nods. "I haven't yet, thankfully, I haven't needed to, but I will, that's a promise."
His mouth opens and closes like a fish's, surprised by the sentiment, by the strength of Evan's voice. He didn't know that was something that he should expect. "O-Okay."
"Okay."
Evan is still smiling. Tommy wants to feel that smile against his.
They should talk first. "See you Saturday."
It's the right thing to say. Evan opens the door to the truck but his smile doesn't dim, not even a little. "See you Saturday, Tommy."
He doesn't drive away until the door closes behind Evan, giving him the tiniest glimpse into his new house. Maybe he'll be able to see it soon, get a proper tour. He doesn't drive away until Evan parts the curtains on his window and smiles, surprised, happy, and waves.
Tommy feels his cheeks burning as he waves back. He drives away then.
He should send his Uncle a fruit basket.
