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@shamanfox

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The Cosmic Play
In the grand illusion, all is true,
For reality’s a dance we construe.
Malleable, participatory, a lucid dream,
Consciousness at play, life’s vibrant scheme.
Truth isn’t fixed; it’s fluid, vast,
Infinite versions, each unsurpassed.
Nothing separate, time and space entwined,
Constructs dissolve when viewed with the higher mind.
Actors and playwrights, we take the stage,
Unique voices on the cosmic page.
Even illusions hold a sacred part,
Formless essence expressed through art.
Extraterrestrials, mystic realms, human strife,
All threads weaving the fabric of life.
The question isn’t what’s real or feigned,
But how we choose to play unchained.
Embrace the paradox, dance in the light,
Create, feel, love with all your might.
For in this cosmic, unfolding spree,
You’re both the dreamer and the dream, eternally free.
Ghosts of me
from placeholders
speak to me daily.
Sometimes they wear
the body
and say the words
before I can catch them.
Old reflexes,
stitched into muscle,
old griefs
with my fingerprints still warm.
They rise like dust
from rooms I thought I emptied,
calling my name
like it still belongs to them.
And I wonder,
am I haunted
or just unfinished,
dragging my former selves
like rattling keys
through the dark hallways of becoming.
Observation in Consciousness: The Jellyfish
At an aquarium in Chattanooga, I stood before a glowing jellyfish suspended in dark water. It appeared less like an animal and more like a thought drifting through the mind of the ocean. No bones. No face. No obvious destination. Just a pulse, a contraction, a release. Movement without hurry.
Watching it, I wondered how much of my own life is spent believing I must always know where I am going. The jellyfish seemed unconcerned with such burdens. It surrendered itself to currents unseen, responding rather than controlling. It did not argue with the water carrying it.
In consciousness, thoughts often behave the same way. They appear from nowhere, glow briefly with importance, trail long delicate threads of memory and emotion behind them, then dissolve into the darkness from which they came. Yet we cling to them as though they are permanent. The jellyfish offered another possibility: to let experience drift through awareness without grasping it.
For a moment, standing there in the dim blue light, I could not tell whether I was observing the jellyfish or whether it was quietly revealing the nature of observation itself. The creature glowed, the water moved, awareness noticed. Nothing more was required.

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✦ Field Notes from the Prairie ✦
4:48 A.M.
The rancher steps out into the dark carrying coffee in one hand and habit in the other. The stars are still burning above the pasture, but he barely notices. Not because he has stopped seeing them. Because he has seen them a thousand times over calving grounds, drought years, blizzards, branding fires, and springs that arrived late. Wonder, after enough years, becomes woven into the fabric of ordinary things.
5:17 A.M.
The cattle are shadows breathing steam into the cold. He moves among them quietly. No grand gestures. No performance. Just a presence they recognize. I watch the herd lift their heads as he passes. Not with affection. Not with fear. With familiarity. The way a river recognizes its banks.
5:46 A.M.
His hands catch my attention. Thick-knuckled, scarred, roughened by wire, leather, cold steel, frozen gates, and years of labor. Not damaged. Written upon. Every scar a sentence. Every callus a chapter. Hands that have pulled calves into the world and lowered old dogs into the earth. Hands that understand life and death as neighbors sharing the same fence line.
6:12 A.M.
As dawn begins to spill across the prairie, he pauses beside a gate and watches the horizon glow. No words. No ceremony. Just a man standing still while the world becomes visible again. It occurs to me that some prayers are spoken, and others are simply witnessed.
6:41 A.M.
The farmer drives slowly through a field. To me it looks like wheat. To him it is information. Moisture levels. Leaf color. Soil condition. Wind direction. Insect activity. He is reading a language hidden inside the landscape. The earth speaks continuously. Most people just never learn how to listen.
7:09 A.M.
A machine breaks down. Of course it does. The farmer climbs out, studies the problem, and sighs. Not dramatically. Just enough. There is no outrage. No personal offense. Reality has inconvenienced him again, and they have known each other long enough to stop arguing about it.
7:54 A.M.
The thing I notice most is their relationship with uncertainty. Most people spend their lives trying to eliminate it. Farmers and ranchers wake up inside it every morning. Rain may come. Rain may not. Markets rise. Markets fall. Calves survive. Crops fail. Hail arrives uninvited. Yet they continue planting, feeding, repairing, building, hoping. Not because they believe everything will work out. Because they understand that nothing living comes with guarantees.
8:37 A.M.
By now the sun hangs higher over the prairie. Dust drifts through shafts of light. A hawk circles overhead. Somewhere a gate clangs shut. The rancher leans against a fence for a moment before returning to work. Watching him, I realize resilience is not what most people think it is. It is not toughness. It is devotion. The willingness to keep tending what matters despite knowing how fragile it all is.
9:03 A.M.
Conclusion:
The prairie does not teach control. It teaches relationship. With weather. With animals. With uncertainty. With time itself. Farmers and ranchers spend their lives participating in forces far larger than themselves. Perhaps that is why so many carry a quiet wisdom. They know something the rest of us often forget: life is not something we conquer. It is something we care for while it passes through our hands.
Where the Kiss Goes
You ask where the kiss goes.
As though it departs.
As though it folds itself into a suitcase of breath and warmth and memory and boards some invisible train bound for elsewhere.
But a real kiss never leaves.
A real kiss enters.
The mouth is merely the gate.
The destination is deeper.
Deeper than skin.
Deeper than memory.
Deeper than the little story we call a self.
It enters the dark soil beneath the personality where roots drink from ancient waters.
Years later you are standing in line at a grocery store. Someone passes wearing a familiar perfume. Suddenly your chest tightens. The room shifts. Time folds like paper. An entire vanished world rises from the dead.
Not the person.
The feeling.
The gravity.
The atmosphere they carried around them.
A real kiss is not stored in memory.
It is stored in the body.
In muscle.
In pulse.
In nerve.
In the silent animal beneath language.
The body remembers things the mind has long ago buried.
The taste of rain on someone’s lips.
The warmth of their breath on a winter evening.
The trembling hesitation before surrender.
The peculiar electricity of being completely seen for a moment.
The body remembers.
The body always remembers.
And stranger still, the kiss does not stay where it lands.
It moves.
It migrates.
It enters everything afterward.
A kindness you offer twenty years later.
A poem.
A song.
The softness in your voice when speaking to someone wounded.
The tenderness you extend to strangers because someone once touched your loneliness and made it less lonely.
Every great kiss keeps unfolding long after the mouths separate.
Like a bell continuing to ring after the sound is gone.
Like starlight continuing to travel after the star has died.
Like incense becoming the room.
And perhaps the deepest kisses go farther still.
Perhaps they eventually dissolve into the hidden reservoir beneath existence itself.
The place where beauty waits before becoming visible.
The place where grief becomes wisdom.
The place where longing becomes prayer.
The place where every lover who ever reached for another remains suspended in a single eternal moment of arrival.
Perhaps that is where the kiss goes.
Back into the source.
Back into the great underground river from which all tenderness rises.
Back into the mystery.
And sometimes, late at night, when the world has become quiet enough to hear itself breathing, you catch a sudden ache in your chest.
Not sadness.
Not happiness.
Something older.
Something deeper.
The ghost of a touch still moving through the universe.
Still becoming.
Still arriving.
Still kissing the world through you.
William Blake found the afterlife first. It was grazing in a field of stars.
“A lamb again,” he whispered.
“No,” said Edgar Allan Poe, kneeling beside a black river. “A shadow pretending to be a lamb.”
The lamb looked up.
“What is the difference?”
No one answered.
Walt Whitman arrived laughing, carrying entire continents in his beard.
“My friends,” he said, “if death exists, it has hidden itself inside life so completely that the two have forgotten which is which.”
“Typical,” muttered Sylvia Plath. “The wound calls itself healing. The cage calls itself sky.”
William Shakespeare emerged from a grove of masks. Kings hung from branches beside beggars. Lovers wore executioners’ faces. Children wore crowns.
“All the world’s a stage,” he said.
“Then who is the audience?” asked Poe.
Shakespeare removed one mask.
Another mask waited beneath.
He removed that one too.
And another.
And another.
Soon his hands were empty.
His face was gone.
Yet somehow he was still smiling.
From the darkness came Hafiz carrying a jug of moonlight.
“You all ask the wrong question,” he said. “You ask where the lover goes after the kiss. Tell me instead where the kiss goes.”
The moonlight trembled inside the jug.
Nobody drank.
Alan Watts sat cross-legged beside the river and watched stars floating downstream.
“The problem,” he said, “is that everyone imagines they are a leaf wondering what becomes of it in autumn. Nobody suspects they are the tree.”
At this, Blake laughed.
Whitman laughed.
Hafiz nearly spilled his moonlight.
Only Plath remained serious.
“What if the tree is dreaming?” she asked.
The river stopped moving.
The stars stopped moving.
Even death seemed to pause and listen.
Then Dylan appeared walking down a road that had no beginning and no destination.
His pockets were full of unanswered questions.
“What if the dream is the dreamer?” he asked.
Nobody knew what that meant.
Yet somehow everyone understood.
The lamb began eating constellations.
Poe watched its dark eyes.
“Tell me honestly,” he said. “What waits beyond death?”
The lamb replied,
“What waits beyond waking?”
The poets looked at one another.
The river vanished.
The field vanished.
The stars vanished.
One by one the poets vanished.
Only the question remained.
For a very long time.
Then even the question disappeared.
And somewhere, in a hospital room, beneath fluorescent lights and the smell of antiseptic, a newborn child opened their eyes.
For one impossible instant, they looked ancient.
As though they had just returned from a meeting they could no longer remember.
As though Blake’s lamb,
Poe’s shadow,
Shakespeare’s masks,
Whitman’s cosmos,
Plath’s mirror,
Hafiz’s wine,
Watts’ tree,
and Dylan’s road
had all been trying to describe the same thing.
Something that cannot survive language.
Something that enters every life disguised as “I.”
Something that dies a thousand deaths and is never found among the bodies.
Something staring through your eyes right now,
wondering what becomes of it
after it is gone.
In vastness of untethered time
The walk of nature creeps into
The bones of my soul.
How did I liken the breeze?
Other than,
A sunlit missing
An orchestral mishap
And if by chance one should
Perhaps sway, among the
Breeze of untethered time
Feel the bones of your
Soul echo the vastness of time.

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Sunshine Inventory
This morning the daisies applauded.
Every blade of grass stood on tiptoe,
waving little green hands at the sky.
The clouds practiced cartwheels.
A bluebird tripped over a song
and spilled it everywhere.
The creek laughed so hard
it forgot where it was going.
I found a penny shining in the dirt,
heads up,
as if luck itself had rolled over
and smiled at me.
The wind smelled like fresh bread
and birthdays.
The trees were passing around sunlight
like children sharing candy.
Even the shadows seemed cheerful,
stretching themselves lazily
across the world
like sleepy cats.
I wanted to hug every mailbox.
Wave at every stranger.
Thank every rock
for being a rock.
The whole day glittered.
The whole world hummed.
My heart bounced around inside me
like a puppy wearing roller skates.
And for one impossible moment
I was certain
everything was perfect,
because I had finally forgotten
what I was trying so hard
to escape from.
Pop Rocks
I tear open the packet and the smell reaches me before the candy does. Cherry. Artificial, bright, impossible cherry. The kind of red that never grew on a tree. The kind that belongs on bicycle handlebars, stained lips, and summer afternoons that seemed too long to ever end.
I tip the crystals onto my tongue.
Instantly, the first explosions begin.
Tiny detonations. Tiny stars collapsing.
A crackle at the tip of my tongue, sharp and electric, like stepping barefoot across static-charged carpet and touching a doorknob. The cherry blooms across my mouth, thick and sweet. Creamier than I remember. Softer around the edges. The old Pop Rocks from childhood felt more like broken glass made of sugar, crisp little shards that snapped and fizzed with a kind of reckless enthusiasm.
These are different.
These linger.
Still popping.
Still popping.
The candy settles into the valleys and ridges of my tongue, and each crystal seems to have a mind of its own. One bursts near the center. Another behind it. Then three together like distant firecrackers skipping across a neighborhood on the Fourth of July.
The popping spreads through my mouth like rain finding every crack in a sidewalk.
I keep waiting for it to end.
It doesn’t.
The less I move them, the longer they seem to live. Tiny pockets of compressed surprise hidden among my taste buds. If I leave them alone, they continue their secret work, crackling in the darkness. It feels almost geological, like listening to ice shift inside a frozen lake.
Pop.
Pop-pop.
Pop.
I can hear them as much as feel them.
The sound seems impossibly loud.
My mouth becomes a cave full of echoes.
The candy drifts into my cheeks, settling in the jowls, and suddenly the popping grows louder there. Each tiny explosion ricochets through flesh and bone. The vibrations travel upward until it almost feels as though the sound is coming from my ears.
Not in my mouth.
From somewhere inside my head.
Like a handful of pebbles tossed into a deep well.
Like distant applause from another room.
I stir them with my tongue and wake them again.
A fresh barrage erupts.
For a moment it feels as if my tongue has become a city at night viewed from above. Lights flickering on and off in random windows. Little bursts of life appearing and disappearing before I can focus on any one of them.
Still popping.
Still popping.
I swallow.
The sensation follows.
Not much, just enough.
A faint crackle at the beginning of my throat.
A tiny explorer carrying fireworks into forbidden territory.
One crystal catches near a tonsil.
Then explodes.
The feeling is so strange I almost laugh.
Like someone knocking once on a hidden door inside my neck.
I remember being a kid and believing all the stories.
The warnings.
The rumors.
Pop Rocks and soda would make your stomach explode.
Your head would launch into orbit.
Some cousin knew some kid who knew another kid who had practically detonated.
We believed everything back then.
The world still had room for impossible things.
I can almost see myself standing outside the corner store with scraped knees and dusty shoes, sunlight baking the sidewalk into that smell of hot concrete and old chewing gum. A quarter in one pocket. A packet of Pop Rocks in the other.
No bills.
No responsibilities.
No funerals attended.
No medications lined up on a bathroom counter.
No awareness that time was even moving.
Just sugar.
Just summer.
Just the certainty that tomorrow would take forever to arrive.
Back then the popping felt bigger.
Not because the candy was better.
Because everything was bigger.
A bicycle ride felt like crossing a continent.
A creek felt like an ocean.
A nickel felt valuable.
A summer felt endless.
Now I’m in my fifties, sitting here listening to candy explode in my mouth, and the sound carries something with it.
Not just cherry.
Not just sugar.
Memory.
The pops become tiny time machines.
Each crackle opens a pinhole through decades.
For a moment I am here and there.
Adult and child.
Gray hairs and scraped knees.
The packet grows emptier.
The popping slows.
The fireworks become embers.
An occasional spark.
A distant crack.
A final whisper.
Still one more.
Then another.
Stubborn little survivors.
Like memories that refuse to leave.
And when the last crystal finally gives up its tiny ghost, I sit there tasting the fading cherry and thinking how strange it is that something so small can contain so much time.
A mouthful of candy.
A pocketful of summers.
An entire childhood, still popping.
Field Notes from the Prairie
4:48 A.M.
The rancher steps out into the dark carrying coffee in one hand and habit in the other. The stars are still burning above the pasture, but he barely notices. Not because he has stopped seeing them. Because he has seen them a thousand times over calving grounds, drought years, blizzards, branding fires, and springs that arrived late. Wonder, after enough years, becomes woven into the fabric of ordinary things.
5:17 A.M.
The cattle are shadows breathing steam into the cold. He moves among them quietly. No grand gestures. No performance. Just a presence they recognize. I watch the herd lift their heads as he passes. Not with affection. Not with fear. With familiarity. The way a river recognizes its banks.
5:46 A.M.
His hands catch my attention. Thick-knuckled, scarred, roughened by wire, leather, cold steel, frozen gates, and years of labor. Not damaged. Written upon. Every scar a sentence. Every callus a chapter. Hands that have pulled calves into the world and lowered old dogs into the earth. Hands that understand life and death as neighbors sharing the same fence line.
6:12 A.M.
As dawn begins to spill across the prairie, he pauses beside a gate and watches the horizon glow. No words. No ceremony. Just a man standing still while the world becomes visible again. It occurs to me that some prayers are spoken, and others are simply witnessed.
6:41 A.M.
The farmer drives slowly through a field. To me it looks like wheat. To him it is information. Moisture levels. Leaf color. Soil condition. Wind direction. Insect activity. He is reading a language hidden inside the landscape. The earth speaks continuously. Most people just never learn how to listen.
7:09 A.M.
A machine breaks down. Of course it does. The farmer climbs out, studies the problem, and sighs. Not dramatically. Just enough. There is no outrage. No personal offense. Reality has inconvenienced him again, and they have known each other long enough to stop arguing about it.
7:54 A.M.
The thing I notice most is their relationship with uncertainty. Most people spend their lives trying to eliminate it. Farmers and ranchers wake up inside it every morning. Rain may come. Rain may not. Markets rise. Markets fall. Calves survive. Crops fail. Hail arrives uninvited. Yet they continue planting, feeding, repairing, building, hoping. Not because they believe everything will work out. Because they understand that nothing living comes with guarantees.
8:37 A.M.
By now the sun hangs higher over the prairie. Dust drifts through shafts of light. A hawk circles overhead. Somewhere a gate clangs shut. The rancher leans against a fence for a moment before returning to work. Watching him, I realize resilience is not what most people think it is. It is not toughness. It is devotion. The willingness to keep tending what matters despite knowing how fragile it all is.
9:03 A.M.
Conclusion:
The prairie does not teach control. It teaches relationship. With weather. With animals. With uncertainty. With time itself. Farmers and ranchers spend their lives participating in forces far larger than themselves. Perhaps that is why so many carry a quiet wisdom. They know something the rest of us often forget: life is not something we conquer. It is something we care for while it passes through our hands.
Art by Nicole Dyer aka Shamanfox

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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“Perhaps we were not made to conquer the world, but to notice it.”
Proof of Life
They tried to make us ashamed of the very place where the soul first opened its strange, bright mouth. They called it sin, sickness, phase, confusion, rebellion, agenda. But a name thrown like a stone does not become truth just because it bruises. Some of us learned early that survival meant becoming fluent in silence. We learned to lower our eyes, soften our wrists, edit our laughter, swallow our own weather before it became visible. We became translators of danger. We could read a room by the way a fork paused over a plate, by the way a preacher’s voice sharpened, by the way a father stopped smiling at a rainbow.
There are closets that are not rooms. They are climates. They grow inside the ribs. They teach the body to flinch before the world even touches it. Inside them, a child can become a ghost while still breathing. Inside them, love becomes contraband. Desire becomes evidence. Joy learns to knock softly. And still, somehow, beneath all that fear, the self keeps glowing. Not loudly at first. Not with parade music. Sometimes only as a match struck in the basement of the heart. Sometimes only as one sentence whispered into a pillow: I am not wrong.
To be queer is not only to love differently. It is to be born with a compass that points beneath the map. It is to know that the world’s oldest fences are often made of other people’s fear. It is to discover that truth may cost you belonging, but pretending costs you the pulse. We do not come out once. We come out again and again, at kitchen tables, job interviews, hospital beds, family reunions, forms with boxes too small for the human soul. Each time, the mouth becomes a doorway. Each time, the body votes for its own existence.
And let no one reduce us to suffering. We are not only wounds walking upright. We are laughter in eyeliner. We are chosen family around a folding table. We are old lesbians holding hands in grocery aisles like saints of ordinary courage. We are trans kids naming themselves into daylight. We are gay men who buried entire generations and still taught the world how to dance with grief in the room. We are bisexual hearts refusing the empire of either/or. We are nonbinary souls reminding language it was never finished being born.
Our love is not a debate. It is breakfast made for someone still sleeping. It is a hand on the lower back in a crowded room. It is two coffee cups in the sink. It is the small domestic cathedral of being known. It is sacred not because anyone approves of it, but because love, when it is honest, returns the human being to themselves.
Peace will not come from asking the wounded to disappear politely. Peace will not come from decorating cruelty with tradition. Peace begins when no being has to amputate pieces of their spirit to be held. Peace begins when the family table grows larger than fear. Peace begins when the church, the school, the state, and the street stop demanding masks as the price of safety.
We were never the threat. The threat was always the hand that reached for the eraser. The threat was the law that mistook tenderness for danger. The threat was the doctrine that feared a kiss more than a gun. The threat was the silence that taught children to hate the mirror before they could even spell their own names.
Still, here we are. Glittering and grieving. Bruised and blooming. Ancient as moonlight, new as breath. We have turned closets into doorways, shame into scripture, exile into family, survival into song. We have learned the brutal alchemy of becoming: how to take the stone they threw and build a threshold.
So here is my prayer for the living: May every queer person grow old enough to become evidence that joy was possible. May every frightened heart find one safe room, one true voice, one hand reaching back through the dark. May we stop confusing peace with silence. May we stop mistaking sameness for love. May we make a world where no one has to be brave just to be ordinary.
Because somewhere tonight, someone is standing before a mirror practicing their own name. Somewhere, two women are dancing in a kitchen with the blinds open. Somewhere, a man is realizing his softness is not a wound. Somewhere, a person is becoming real in a language their ancestors did not have but their spirit always knew.
And that is holy.
Not because it is rare.
Because it survived.