#personal accountability

This is so hard to deal with. On the surface, you see everything you like in that person. You see some of the things they do for you when things are good. You remember all the good times you have had together and you try your best to envision all that could be in the future.

However, you know that all of that is contingent on them doing the work on themselves to improve their behavior and ultimately the quality of life for the both of you. You do everything you can to point out the little things when they come up. You try every technique in the book. Using "I feel..." statements. Using gentle tones. Despite this, they get defensive at each and every method you attempt.

You try to remind them that you are there for them as they work through growing alongside you for the sake of the relationship, but they just take your offering and throw it back in your face, making their reaction into your problem. They dodge every bit of accountability for what they did, even when you don't blame them for a thing and try to be understanding toward them as you explain why certain things are unacceptable. Then, they run.

When you see this, please do yourself a favor and back out of the connection. Do not waste more time than you need to trying to convince that person to change. They are showing you each time they dodge, deflect, and deny, that they are not comfortable with the discomfort of growth. From personal experience, no matter how much they tell you they "love" you, that won't translate into them being able to recognize where they are wrong and how to begin making those things right.

Your boundaries matter. If they continue to try undermining them, that shows that they do not respect you whatsoever. They want you to continue to bend at their will. You cannot take on all of their past and attempt to fix it for them. If they cannot take the time out to examine what is wrong and how their behavior is causing problems, then they do not deserve to be in your life.

🫧

✧・ healing whispers to a wounded past :・゜✧

hey angel! ✧

oh my heart literally did a little flip when i read this. first of all, i want you to know that i'm sitting here feeling so proud of you for even asking this question. growth is such a beautiful, messy thing and recognizing your own journey? that takes real courage.

honestly? i think reaching out to someone you've hurt is one of the bravest things a person can do. it's not guaranteeing forgiveness, it's acknowledging your impact on someone else's heart. that vulnerability is so powerful.

the fact that you're in therapy and have been doing the inner work to understand your insecurities shows how much you've evolved. we all have those shadow parts that sometimes lead us to hurt others when we're hurting ourselves. recognizing that pattern is the first step to breaking it.

about your worries that this person might share your message with friends… that's a completely valid concern. when we open ourselves up, we can't control how others receive our truth. but i want you to consider something: what matters most here is your intention. are you reaching out for your healing or theirs? the purest apologies come without expectations attached.

sometimes the most healing thing isn't necessarily reconnection but the act of taking responsibility. you're not asking them to be your friend again or to absolve you, you're simply acknowledging the hurt you caused and offering them the gift of knowing you recognize it now.

before you send anything, maybe try journaling about these questions:

what exactly am i apologizing for? (be specific about behaviors)

am i truly ready to accept any response, including no response?

have i processed my own feelings enough that i won't be devastated if they reject my apology?

is there anything i'm secretly hoping to get from this exchange?

the most authentic apologies don't include justifications, even when there are reasons behind our actions. "i was insecure" is understanding yourself, but make sure your message focuses on their experience, not explaining yourself.

at the end of the day, sending that message isn't erasing the past, it's showing that you've grown from it. that growth is yours to keep regardless of how they respond.

remember that forgiveness is never owed, but honesty is always a gift, to yourself and to others. whatever happens, you're honoring your journey by acknowledging where you've been and showing who you've become.

i'm sending you the softest, warmest energy as you navigate this. being human is complicated and messy, but there's something so beautiful about trying to make things right, even when it's scary.

xoxo, mindy 🤍

p.s. no matter what happens, be gentle with yourself after sending it. healing isn't linear, and brave acts deserve tender aftercare.