After news got out about my brother’s death, people were quick to give their sympathies. The thing I noticed was that people seemed to rush through talking about me to talk about my parents. They’d ask how they were doing, how hard it has to be for them, and even if one was holding up better than the other. Now, I’m not trying to dismiss my parents’ grief or brush off people trying to be nice and supportive. It just happened a lot to the point where I became the person to give sympathies to my parents. They seemed to forget or maybe not even realize that I was grieving too.
I can’t imagine what it’s like for my parents to lose their son, their only son, but I had grief too. I really wish (some) people would have realized that and included me. I was hurting too and sometimes I really wasn’t okay, but I didn’t feel like I had the room or even the right to address that. This wasn’t with friends or family, thankfully. It also enforced this idea that I had to be strong for my parents. I don’t believe people intended it, but it ended up making me feel like I couldn’t be grieving too, because then I would be “weak” or making it worse for them.
The funny, or maybe ironic part, is that my brother was the strong one out of us. He was smart and always had an idea or some plan. When my grandma died, he was calm and kept us together. I wonder now if we didn’t give him a chance to feel like he could grieve... I guess I can save that for another day. After him it’s me. I’m not trying to say my parents or my sister aren’t, it’s just.. Short strory: again, when my grandma died her things were with her brother and his wife. There was (and still is) drama and issues with them. The family ended up electing me to go out there and deal with them, since my brother wasn’t able to.
This all ties in to why I felt like I had to be strong. I didn’t want to cry around anyone, because my mom was a mess and I wanted to be her rock. My sister couldn’t handle looking at his body, so of course I went with my mom so she could see him. I know that it’s silly to think that way, because I know I’m allowed to grieve, but when everything was falling apart I instantly wanted to be strong for them. I wanted them to know that I was there for them and that they didn’t have to worry about me. I think it put aside the reality of what was happening, since I was focused on other things. I called 911, I waited for the ambulance, I even called my brother’s ex-girlfriend to tell her. There were moments during those first few hours where reality would hit me and I would cry. I felt like I let my new, smaller family, down. Again, I know this isn’t true, but it was hard not to feel that way when it was all so new.
