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Grief
In the years since my brother died Iāve had a few people tell me I should be āoverā it by now. Iāve come to realize that I am not āoverā my grief. I take the good days with the bad. Some days, weeks, months are easy. Some hours are so difficult I want to curl up and cry. This year the sadness and loss is almost suffocating and I donāt know why. 13 years and Iām still navigating my grief.
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After news got out about my brotherās death, people were quick to give their sympathies. The thing I noticed was that people seemed to rush through talking about me to talk about my parents. Theyād ask how they were doing, how hard it has to be for them, and even if one was holding up better than the other. Now, Iām not trying to dismiss my parentsā grief or brush off people trying to be nice and supportive. It just happened a lot to the point where I became the person to give sympathies to my parents. They seemed to forget or maybe not even realize that IĀ was grieving too.
I canāt imagine what itās like for my parents to lose their son, their only son, but I had grief too. I really wish (some) people would have realized that and included me. I was hurting too and sometimes I really wasnāt okay, but I didnāt feel like I had the room or even the right to address that. This wasnāt with friends or family, thankfully. It also enforced this idea that I had to be strong for my parents. I donāt believe people intended it, but it ended up making me feel like I couldnāt be grieving too, because then I would beĀ āweakā or making it worse for them.
The funny, or maybe ironic part, is that my brother was the strong one out of us. He was smart and always had an idea or some plan. When my grandma died, he was calm and kept us together. I wonder now if we didnāt give him a chance to feel like he could grieve... I guess I can save that for another day. After him itās me. Iām not trying to say my parents or my sister arenāt, itās just.. Short strory: again, when my grandma died her things were with her brother and his wife. There was (and still is) drama and issues with them. The family ended up electing me to go out there and deal with them, since my brother wasnāt able to.
This all ties in to why I felt like I had to be strong. I didnāt want to cry around anyone, because my mom was a mess and I wanted to be her rock. My sister couldnāt handle looking at his body, so of course I went with my mom so she could see him. I know that itās silly to think that way, because I knowĀ Iām allowed to grieve, but when everything was falling apart I instantly wanted to be strong for them. I wanted them to know that I was there for them and that they didnāt have to worry about me. I think it put aside the reality of what was happening, since I was focused on other things. I called 911, I waited for the ambulance, I even called my brotherās ex-girlfriend to tell her. There were moments during those first few hours where reality would hit me and I would cry. I felt like I let my new, smaller family, down. Again, I know this isnāt true, but it was hard not to feel that way when it was all so new.
What I wish someone told me about losing your only sibling.
I wish someone told me that life would never be the same, that my parents would be different, holidays would be different, everything would be different. I wish someone told me that my life plans would change, that I would have to take into consideration my aging parents in every decision I make. I wish someone would have told me that it would break my heart when all of my friends get to see their siblings and celebrate becoming aunts and uncles. I wish someone would have told me that even 5 years later there would be days that I have crippling pain because of how much I miss my brother. I wish someone would have told me that how I handle things would change, and that I would become a beautiful blend of callous and caring. Most of all I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to feel these things, and that sometimes it's okay to not feel at all. I wish someone would have told me that everyone grieves differently and that no one will understand that grief no matter how hard they try.
Itās madā¦itās been 4 years since you went to sleep @chuttooushaā¦miss you everyday in lots of waysā¦had a fun conversation with @asha_c123 about jelous-ceasar the other day, made me smile and think of youā¦ #princessravi #princessravitastic #rip #lossofasibling #lossofasister (at London, United Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/CRi5fS-FG_q/?utm_medium=tumblr
Happy heavenly 38th birthday, making the journey to your commemoration after almost 2 years...I knew I had to do it inappropriately in an outfit that was described as "my very old weathly husband just died" vibes. Wealthy widow! Miss you everyday @chuttoousha . . . . . #rip #lossofasibling #ootd #ootdlondon #gucci #guccioffthegrid #nikeairhuarache #mask (at London, United Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/CPeFytKlkKc/?utm_medium=tumblr
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@blackeyebenjamin Thanks for the amazing work and overall experience...I'm sure she would have loved them!!! Baby girl look what you made me do...The babies and you...I know you're in a better place but I wanted to makes sure that as well as in my heart I carried you on me...#loss #lossofasister #lossofasibling #origamielephant #origamielephants #origamielefante #origamielephanttattoo #princessravi #princessravitastic #elepahantsalute #tattoo #tattoo2018 #newink #inked #ink2018 (at London, United Kingdom)
Continued
My dream is to be in a job where I can help others who have experience something so traumatic and help them get through it, just how my counsellors have done for me.
I am angry at life, for what I have been through, but hopefully reading this especially those who know me well can understand why I am the way I am. I have had people treat me so awfully and I still see the best within them, I guess I know how short life is and aiming to be the best person I possibly can be.
For those who have experience something similar will agree this doesn't get easier. It's coming up to 8 years since I last saw my brother, last spoke to my brother, last played a prank and had a laugh with my brother. It hurts seeing how much he's missed especially the birth of our nephews. Seeing us all grow from teenagers to adults. It hurts just as much as the day he died.
My sisters and I all had a necklace made with a picture of my brother engraved on the pendant. Itās upsetting to know itās coming up to 8 years since Iāve worn it everyday and I will continue to do so forever.
Ayesha summed it up perfectly the other day, 'the whole world has moved on but for us it will always beĀ āŖWednesday 6th Januaryā¬ 2010ā
6/1/2017
Today marks 7 years since your death and it still hurts. Each year gets a little easier, but I will never know life without the ache of mourning you. I try to believe that you're where you're supposed to be and that there is a reason you were taken from us so young, that your death wasn't meaningless. This is what I tell myself to get through the day. In your short life you did so much for me, and continue to from your plane of existence. Through my fragility of your death I have grown into a stronger person; Wise beyond my years. You've helped me to develop into someone with such profound life experience, even if those have been grave. Your life and death have opened me up to things most people wouldn't believe. You've shown me love, and the importance of showing your love to the ones your care about. You've taught me how incredibly short and unfair life can be. All lessons that I continue to benefit from daily. As thankful as I am for these, I still wish we could go back to that day 7 years ago. We were all so young and you went so tragically. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real, other times too real. You are everywhere I look and in everything I do. I will never get over losing you and I pray for the day that I will see you again.
