#lossofalovedone

Loss is complicated, it’s complex. It feels and looks different to everyone. When it comes to loss not everyone will grieve. Others who do grieve may not grieve the person they’ve lost, but the intricate, ever-winding experiences that person leaves behind.

Relationships are complex

Relationships are complex and they are different to each of us. Each of us will view and take something different from the same relationship. Around loss, some of us may cope better than others. But loss is complicated because it’s never straight forward, particularly in the early days of separation when emotions are already running high.

Loss can be debilitating

A loss can also be debilitating, particularly when adjustments need to be made. You can’t go back because that time has passed, and you can’t move forward until you start to feel mental and emotionally better.

Grief takes adjustment

Grief takes an emotional adjustment, loss even more when you’re dealing with separation. Where grief to a loss gets complicated, and painful emotions are long-lasting you may have trouble emotionally getting back into your life.

Accepting loss

But it is important to try to accept the reality of your loss; allowing yourself to accept the experience of how you feel and accept it may take time to work and adjust through your experiences of loss. Adjusting to a new reality can make the loss more complicated.

It is easy to ruminate. It’s ruminating that changes the way we feel, particularly when we may begin to see loved ones differently.

I can’t imagine what it’s like for my parents to lose their son, their only son, but I had grief too. I really wish (some) people would have realized that and included me. I was hurting too and sometimes I really wasn’t okay, but I didn’t feel like I had the room or even the right to address that. This wasn’t with friends or family, thankfully. It also enforced this idea that I had to be strong for my parents. I don’t believe people intended it, but it ended up making me feel like I couldn’t be grieving too, because then I would be “weak” or making it worse for them.

The funny, or maybe ironic part, is that my brother was the strong one out of us. He was smart and always had an idea or some plan. When my grandma died, he was calm and kept us together. I wonder now if we didn’t give him a chance to feel like he could grieve... I guess I can save that for another day. After him it’s me. I’m not trying to say my parents or my sister aren’t, it’s just.. Short strory: again, when my grandma died her things were with her brother and his wife. There was (and still is) drama and issues with them. The family ended up electing me to go out there and deal with them, since my brother wasn’t able to.

Grief is not a moment ..or an hour...or a day....

Grief it is a mark of love 

Always there to stay

Grief is a companion

Flowing through your soul

Grief is like a river 

A deep and scattered hole

Grief it lives within you

And wanders through the trees

It whispers and surrenders

And echoes on the breeze

Grief becomes familiar 

To all the hearts which ache

Grief is like a waterfall

Upon a lonely lake

Grief is like a shadow 

Invisible to the eye

It settles in the heart of you

It holds a silent cry

Grief it is a story 

Where two hearts intertwine

 A book of true connection

 Where every yours is mine

Grief is not a moment... or an hour.... or a day

The mark of loss indelible

And always there to stay    

How do we navigate pain? 

My grandmother’s passing is an overwhelming feeling for me. For the first day after burial, I uncontrollably cried. I couldn’t stop even though my eyes hurt so bad. Then I started with the usual — sleep deprivation, distracting self with work, using background noise so I won’t feel alone, cut contact, stop talking about my feelings, strong urge to drink alcohol and hurt myself (though I didn’t), I was mad and sad at the same time, I got bad nightmares, and a lot more.

I honestly don’t know how to respond with pain. Sometimes, I want to translate emotional pain to physical pain because that’s easier for me. I can just clean the wounds and cover it. Does that make any sense?

How am I doing lately?

I had to force myself to do things like get up, drink, eat, clean, take a bath, go out and see the sun, walk, etc. I had no inspiration. I don’t like the things I usually enjoy. I can’t reply well with “how are yous”. I still cry from time to time. 

Let’s not rot.

It was an idea by Kait Grange on Tiktok and I am just trying here too. 

It’s been 22 days since she passed. I can’t imagine not seeing or not able to call someone who has been constantly there for 31 years of my life. But what do I do not to rot? I close my eyes and say a little prayer to fight my urges to drink or hurt myself. I try to write so even though I don’t talk to people much so I can still let it out. I convince myself throwing the trash on the first floor of the building means I have to walk outside and see the sun after work. I try to text friends whom I trust even though it is so hard. I whisper to myself “send it” even though it’s tough. I try to go to family gatherings even though I don’t want to. I try so hard. I even to convince myself to take a bath even though it’s like a chore right now. But hey, I try.