After news got out about my brotherās death, people were quick to give their sympathies. The thing I noticed was that people seemed to rush through talking about me to talk about my parents. Theyād ask how they were doing, how hard it has to be for them, and even if one was holding up better than the other. Now, Iām not trying to dismiss my parentsā grief or brush off people trying to be nice and supportive. It just happened a lot to the point where I became the person to give sympathies to my parents. They seemed to forget or maybe not even realize that IĀ was grieving too.
I canāt imagine what itās like for my parents to lose their son, their only son, but I had grief too. I really wish (some) people would have realized that and included me. I was hurting too and sometimes I really wasnāt okay, but I didnāt feel like I had the room or even the right to address that. This wasnāt with friends or family, thankfully. It also enforced this idea that I had to be strong for my parents. I donāt believe people intended it, but it ended up making me feel like I couldnāt be grieving too, because then I would beĀ āweakā or making it worse for them.
The funny, or maybe ironic part, is that my brother was the strong one out of us. He was smart and always had an idea or some plan. When my grandma died, he was calm and kept us together. I wonder now if we didnāt give him a chance to feel like he could grieve... I guess I can save that for another day. After him itās me. Iām not trying to say my parents or my sister arenāt, itās just.. Short strory: again, when my grandma died her things were with her brother and his wife. There was (and still is) drama and issues with them. The family ended up electing me to go out there and deal with them, since my brother wasnāt able to.
This all ties in to why I felt like I had to be strong. I didnāt want to cry around anyone, because my mom was a mess and I wanted to be her rock. My sister couldnāt handle looking at his body, so of course I went with my mom so she could see him. I know that itās silly to think that way, because I knowĀ Iām allowed to grieve, but when everything was falling apart I instantly wanted to be strong for them. I wanted them to know that I was there for them and that they didnāt have to worry about me. I think it put aside the reality of what was happening, since I was focused on other things. I called 911, I waited for the ambulance, I even called my brotherās ex-girlfriend to tell her. There were moments during those first few hours where reality would hit me and I would cry. I felt like I let my new, smaller family, down. Again, I know this isnāt true, but it was hard not to feel that way when it was all so new.
