#letterto

did you know all along? did you know that he wasn't meant to be there all along?

(trigger warning: suicide, death)

December 18, 2021

     Is it possible to miss someone you haven’t met? To be sad over someone whom you only knew more the moment their soul lost its touch on the ground? To cry and feel emptiness in your heart because they’ve gone far away from this earth you’re still breathing in? Even if you weren’t that much of a fan before? When they were also still breathing life into this earth?

     I wasn’t that much of a fan of SHINee before. I was only a casual listener and then decided to stan in 2017. I only knew Minho and the others, not that much. Back then, I wasn’t really getting better with my own mental health. 3rd year of College, transitioning to my final year by the half of the year. College was tough, considering I had to maintain good grades for my scholarship and realized the course I was taking wasn’t actually the one I really wanted but still, I had to go on and finish my current course because I had no choice, I wasn’t given a choice or a privilege to shift courses. Honestly every year of my life was a struggle and being on stan twitter that time and discovering and stanning BTS gave me escape and comfort. I started stanning more groups. I stanned SHINee.

      Watching kpop videos, listening to kpop music and watching kdramas gave me unexplainable happiness. A part of me surviving college was thanks to these. December that year, news started spreading about a member of SHINee taking his own life. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing on my timeline that day. It kind of triggered me too. I’ve had passive aggressive thought of taking my own life. I even though of doing the same thing which was so wrong and I feel very sorry towards Jonghyun for even thinking that. Despite the devastating news, people started tweeting messages, memories of Jonghyun, his music, good deeds, and how much he means to people. That comforted me a lot. I got to know Jonghyun better. How he has such a pure, kind and good soul. How the Korean Entertainment industry was harsh not only towards him but other idols too. In a way, I felt connected towards him. I Listened to his songs more and searched fro english translations. I watched countless videos of him, followed twitter account dedicated on posting memories of him, his words, happy and thankful moments. In fact, I actually decided to support SHINee more than I’ve ever had (though I may still be kind of lowkey). I don’t think I can call ymself a 100% Shawol but I know I am. I got to know the other boys well too, followed them and tried to keep myself updated with their comebacks, music release and even kdramas.

Dear Bride a.k.a. My Best Friend,

Yesterday was a big day, for you (of course), for your family (for sure), and for me (yes, it really was).

I am proud of you taking this huge step. It seems easy and difficult at the same time. It seems like a piece of cake for you because I know you as a person, you have that knowledge and supportive environment and family I must say. However, it was like a Pandora’s box because it always is, as you are not making a promise to your husband or his family alone, nor this country by signing that book. More than that, you make a holy promise to Him, Allah SWT. But hey, I have a hundred percent of trust that it is not going to bite off more than you can chew with this marriage.

I was touched because Allah got me the chance to visit you three days before the D-day (If I counted it right). Been a while without seeing your family too, like 8 years? It was also my first time meeting your baby daughter who is no longer baby though. I wish I had more time before, but as you know, having my study and work in the different island has turned all friends circle into long-distance-friendship, including ours.

Long story short, 

we concluded two years stories into some hours in your new design bedroom for newly-bride and groom. I was honored to have seen it earlier than your hubby LOL. We also checked the guest book that just done and sent, also you handed me your wedding invitation. To tell you another truth that your wedding invitation card was the best I have ever received, same went to my family too. Yes, a compliment for that! Again, little prouder to have seen it earlier than other guests. And once more, I was so much appreciative for receiving this condition of free-at-home and so I could make it to your marriage and wedding. Still, I was feeling like working against the clock.

I would jump to the D-day which to me, everyone can see eye to eye for such an inspirational wedding that catch our eyes now, after a short paragraph about how we two met first, we'll. Let's do it yo!

It was on August 2 of 2007, eleven years ago, in a classroom signed as 7.1, we gathered as the new classmates. I forgot the 'exact how' we ended up as chair mate. Yet I remember, it was the first of September, together with Ria and Anda, we grouped ourselves as a gang.

Next, I will stop throwing back a story. In your D-day, Anda and Ria could not make it as they were not around the city and left me alone as the official representative. I got sometimes in that morning to prepare our gang’s gift for you and sadly made me late. LOL.

Well, there was nothing I could do to blame it, I, myself was just late. I planned to come as early as possible because I did not want to call myself a guest, I preferred to be noticed as a part of the family who came as early as your relatives. LOL again.

Nevertheless, here, I did not count how many times I have mentioned, but I was again saved by Allah because the penghulu (Islamic wedding oath conductor) came a little bit late and thus spared more time for a late person like me. Just for your information, my ten minutes-late was honestly contributed by a driver that brought me there as he missed the direction, yet least I was not barking up the wrong three, Alhamdulillah.

The time I arrived at the venue, I speed my steps up to see you in the corner with other besties and family while waiting for the Ijab Kabul to begin. I was speechless as you might notice. I was trying to talk so randomly because, yeah I just did. After having some sentences with a nervous bride-to-be, all besties decided to get to the upper level that assigned for female guests.

Did you know what I truly wanted to do for real on that very moment? Well, I wanted to stay, sit next to you and witness all by my eyes. However, would not be fair for other girls, right? Besides, I believe the room might be full of your close family – who has an absolute higher priority to belong there, I would not make it more crowded though. Accordingly, I reach the second level and wait while biting my tongue.

Tell you the truth, again, it was more packed than expected which made the less clear sound thru speaker at that level. I decided to have my chair next to the speaker and assure myself to be able paying full attention to all event downstairs via that only speaker.

As I told you by chat yesterday, I got my eyes watery and my heart beat little faster. I have faith in if there was a person looked at me at that moment, she would barely see all the random expression I made. I was beyond happy in the heat of the moment.

Short after that, you beautifully came to the female area with your two official moms. At the drop of a hat, we all wowed at you. I did not bring my glasses and so I moved a little bit forward and forgot that merit speaker to check you out. And then some, I remember I came to Mrs. You for three times after ijab kabul . I too shook your mom in law’s hands as much as three-time excitedly –which frankly worried me a little bit if I drove her up the wall knowing her elegant brand-new daughter in law best-friending a much-enthusiastic girl like me. Then, can I have a penny of your thoughts on this later?

I could agree if we did not have to photograph everything to remember it, so I respect the rules KKK. But knowing that we still got a chance to have a picture with you, I was over again over the moon. I will treasure it without any doubt!

Another perk of your day was me able to meet your other good friends (whom somehow, I think would be mine too if I decided to go to your senior high school). And thus, thank you for the new friends and mini-reunion with my other best friend (also yours) there.

I just realized that I have made a long enough paragraph for my blog standard about this. Because of that, I was thinking to give it a full stop soon.

To cut the chase, I would like to tell you that I am grateful for knowing you for these eleven years, have met your family, your other best friends, and your husband’s family. I am thankful for ever being to your table, house, wedding, and life. I am shameful for not being such a good one for you and hopeful to be better. I am hoping that this ship is powerful enough to fill our life on the earth and useful for our future days in the akhirah.

Uhibbuki fillah!

Your Best Friend,

Blog Owner

Alright, peeps, I will call it a day! Thank you for reading the longest writing here, much love!

Thank you!

Never underestimate yourself. You might think that you have been so confident about yourself, yet you forgot that you were not appreciating enough your "second" skills. 

You are too worry about that and focus yourself on the first level. You should show people how you can manage the academic as an xxxxxxxx, tell them you are good enough (cause you are actually one). 

Work in that field (especially “Graduate Trainee Program”), let they notice that you are perfect for "non-xxxxxxxxxxx" field too. IT'S EVEN COMBO (xxxxxxxx + marketing and comm skills!!!)

Find your real and final motivation for working. Then, add some to your consideration!

một trong những lí do khiến t thích Tumblr, là việc rất ít người quen bạn bè của mình dùng mạng xã hội này, nó giống như một chuyến du lịch của riêng m vậy, m đến một thành phố mới, một cộng đồng mới, nhưng chẳng có ai biết m là ai, m từ đâu tới, mọi người sẽ tương tác với nhau dựa trên một sở thích nhất định, hoặc không, ai về “nhà” người nấy, không ép buộc, không xô bồ, là một nơi trú ẩn bé nhỏ của m thôi, giống như Wordpress vậy,

thế nên t đã chọn ghi lại hết tất cả những gì mắc kẹt trong đầu mà chẳng thể nói được với ai ở đây, kể cả những gì muốn nói với m mà t không cách nào mở miệng, t biết m sẽ không bao giờ đọc được, trừ khi chính miệng t nói với m rằng Mít ơi t có cái blog nho nhỏ vầy nè lên đọc nha, trừ khi chính tay t type một đường link và gửi cho m, thì không, m sẽ chẳng thể nào biết được có một chốn t gọi là nơi trú ẩn tồn tại trong đời t,

mà kể ra thì tất cả những gì t đặt tại nơi này đều là để gửi cho một người nào đó, người này người nọ người kia, nếu ai đó có hỏi t có dùng Tumblr không, t sẽ gật đầu, nếu họ hỏi một cái tên, t sẽ không nói đâu,

biết sao không, vì t tin trên đời luôn tồn tại một chữ “Duyên”, những điều t không muốn nó biến thành một tần số âm thanh thì việc có vô tình tìm ra nơi này cũng là tuỳ duyên thôi m nhỉ, kể cả không một người nào đằng sau đại từ xưng hô “cậu” vô tình đặt chân đến đây cũng chẳng sao đâu, có đọc cũng chưa chắc đã hiểu những gì t muốn nói, đã dấn thân được vào đống len chỉ mà t đã/đang/sẽ mắc kẹt, nên thôi,

những điều này, nếu là lúc mới lạ lẫm lên đất thủ đô, có lẽ t sẽ nói với m khi hai đứa đang đi ăn uống bù khú đâu đó quen thuộc, nhưng giờ thì t còn chẳng biết phải mở lời thế nào, không phải là chúng ta giận nhau hay gì cả, mỗi người đều có cuộc sống riêng, dạo này t bận rộn, m cũng chẳng khá hơn, lúc nào cũng như vậy, nên ngoài những câu hỏi thăm bình thường đến nhàm chán, t không biết phải mở lời thế nào,

gần đây t đã khóc một trân rất to, lâu lắm rồi mới xả van nước đã đời như vậy, đến nỗi khóc xong cũng chỉ biết ngồi thừ người ra nhìn bức tường bên phải, nhìn cửa phòng bên trái, nhìn nền nhà dưới chân, nhìn tủ quần áo trước mặt, chăm chú như thể trước mặt t là kì quan thế giới thứ tám chứ không phải những đồ dùng quen thuộc hàng ngày vậy,

đến nỗi khóc xong t đã inbox cho m bảo khi nào thi xong qua nhà t làm bữa lẩu nhé, nhưng thực ra ý định của t là mua 10 lon bia thêm 2 lon bò húc cho t và ly trà sữa cho m, mang lên tầng thượng ngồi uống, để t khóc thêm một trận nữa, có m ngồi bên cạnh vậy là yên tâm, có say quắc cần câu cũng có người dìu về phòng nằm ngủ, chửi đời chửi người chửi mình cũng có m để lọt tai hộ, nghe mong chờ quá m nhỉ,

nhưng t cũng thôi, lời mời vẫn cứ treo lơ lửng ở đấy, như một kiểu xã giao vô nghĩa mà t ghét cay ghét đắng, vì t nghĩ khóc xong rồi thôi, không có gì không có gì đâu, t hay kiểu vậy, cứ khóc lóc là rối tùm lum không thèm suy nghĩ đúng sai phải trái,

có rất nhiều điều t muốn nói với m, tỉ như tháng trước t đã nghỉ học một tuần, chỉ đi loanh quanh trong nhà, trời mưa thì nằm đọc sách, đói thì nấu cơm mệt thì trùm chăn ngủ, vì t thấy kiệt sức quá, vì t cần “sạc điện” lại, tỉ như Búp măng đã phát điên lên gọi điện nhắn tin hỏi sao t không đi học, t đã thử nói, nhưng Búp măng không hiểu tại sao t chỉ ở nhà một tuần, không giao tiếp xã hội, không onl không nhắn tin gì hết, Búp măng không hiểu, tỷ như lúc đấy t lại nghĩ đến m, nghĩ xem nếu là m thì m sẽ nói gì, t gần như có thể tưởng tượng được phản ứng của m, và t đã mong vô cùng lúc đấy có m ở cạnh, nhưng nói thế thì cũng không công bằng cho Búp măng lắm, vì thời gian t với nó quen nhau chưa đủ để Búp măng “đọc” được cách nghĩ của t tự nhiên như m,

có những ngày t muốn gọi điện, nhắn tin cho m vô cùng, kể lể về những chuyện nực cười và những người vô lý t đã gặp phải, nghe m nói về một ngày của m, nhưng lại nhận ra giờ m đang đi làm, mà đợi đến lúc m về thì khuya quá rồi, có sức nghe chuyện của t chứ đâu có sức kể t chuyện của m, nên t lại thôi,

nói vậy nhưng t không có ý trách móc m hay gì, chỉ là mỗi người đều phải tự mình thích ứng với cuộc sống của riêng mình thôi đúng không, 

trời lạnh như vậy, t với m thi xong sớm rồi đi ăn lẩu sớm thì thích quá nhỉ,