#laura barton

Vormir; the place where everything slowed down for you. The mission seemed straight forward when it was assigned. Get the soul stone before Thanos.

Yet as you stood on top of the cliff, the assignment seemed more complex. There was only one way to get the soul stone. No one could have guessed the price.

The silence was heavy as you stood with Clint and Natasha. Only two of you would return.

Clint was your teammate, your friend. You saved the world together. You knew his wife and his children. The two of you were close, but the main reason for that closeness was Natasha.

Natasha was your partner. She was your world. You knew the most intimate parts of her soul. You had never loved anything as much as you loved her.

They were best friends and it seems like they both decided you were a non-factor in the matter.

They had worked together to tie you down. You struggled and screamed, but they ignored your pleas.

“Natasha please, you can’t make me watch this,” you plead with her.

“You won’t have too,” Clint said sprinting for the edge of cliff.

She didn’t hesitate to go after him.

“What about Yelena?”

Her movements faltered only for a second before she shook her head, “I can’t let him do this.”

“Then toss me,” you yelled at both of them.

“No,” they yelled back in unison.

You groaned in frustration trying to find any give in the binds. Natasha was a better fighter than Clint, if this went on too long, he’d make a mistake and she would win. You couldn’t let that happen.

You used the environment to your advantage, sliding your trapped wrist on a nearby rock. Once the rope snapped you used your heat vision to break the binds on your feet.

You stood just in time to see Natasha go over the cliff. Clint was holding onto her with all of his strength. You flew once you saw his hand slip.

You dived for Natasha without hesitation. She was falling fast, but you were flying faster. Your arms encircled around her waist and once you had her, you flew back up.

“Let me go Y/n,” she was pounding against your chest.

You dropped her next to Clint on the cliff.

“There has to be another way,” you argue with the both of them.

“We don’t have time to figure that out,” Natasha argues back with you.

You took in a deep breath. There was a solution right in front of you. You didn’t look up, you didn’t say anything, but you felt time slow down.

Your hand connected with Clint’s chest. You felt him gasp, you heard Natasha scream, but you didn’t react. You weren’t looking, but you heard him hit the ground.

You turned your back to the cliff and began to walk away. You only managed a few steps before Natasha shoved you in the back hard.

“How could you do that? You said there was another way and then you just-”

You couldn’t look at her, “You said there wasn’t. I did what had to be done.”

“THEN LOOK AT ME!” She screamed, spinning you around to face her.

She scanned your features looking for the regret, the remorse, something that told her that you felt like did the wrong thing. She didn't find anything.

“We have to get the stone,” you looked into her eyes.

Her tone faltered as she spoke to you, “You killed Clint. You widowed Laura, took a father from his children, he’s my best friend.”

“Natasha, I did what I had to do.”

She shook her head lightly, “How could you believe that?”

She stormed past you, ending the conversation. When her back was to you, you let out a shaky breath. You spared a single glance back at the cliff before following Natasha.

You did it for her.

She was so quick to throw Clint’s family in your face. What about her family? What would Yelena do without her? Alexei and Melina? You wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you watched her jump from a cliff and done nothing about it.

You knew there would be consequences to your actions, but what else could you have done?

It was a harsh thought, but you knew Natasha was a better hero than Clint. Truthfully you thought she was better than most of the team. Where they had given up, she persisted. No matter what happened you knew she’d have that.

Clint took a dark path when the world needed him most. He took the vengeful root. Not everyone on the team had a clean past, but it was supposed to stay in the past.

If there was one person that deserved to survive all of this it was her; there was nothing that would change your mind.

You closed your eyes, taking a moment to mourn your relationship with Natasha. She’d never forgive you for this and you would never ask her to.

When you opened them, you were in a pool of water. You gasp at the sudden change of scenery. Then you realize the stone is in your hand.

One step closer to saving the world.

“Give it to me,” Natasha wasn’t asking when she spoke.

You didn’t fight with her, handing it over. She began to walk away and again you followed. Her steps only slowed slightly when she turned to face you. You could see the words bubbling in her throat, but she was struggling to say them.

“After this, I’ll move out,” you ripped the Band-Aid off for her.

She pressed her lips together in a thin line, “Yeah.”

Then you were back in the present with the rest of the team. They asked about Clint. You waited for Natasha to tell them what she wanted.

“He sacrificed himself for all of us. For this stone, so it better work. If not, I lost him for nothing,” she looked directly at you as she spoke the last line.

“It’ll work,” Tony took the stone from her.

When it was all said and done the glove ended up on Bruce’s hand. He snapped and it damn near took his arm off. No one was sure if it worked, but then a phone began to ring.

Clint’s phone began to ring.

Natasha picked it up.

You tuned out the conversation when the red head started to tear up. The other men looked at you waiting for you to comfort your girlfriend. You shook your head slightly signaling you weren’t going to. It was Steve who went to her side offering his comfort instead.

“What happened, trouble in paradise?”

“Not now Tony,” you said flatly.

Knowing that the missing half of the world was back did little to ease your nerves. A part of you was happy, you saved the world. The other part was focused on how you caused Natasha to cry.

At least she was here to cry.

Of course that couldn’t be the end of the fight. Thanos’ fleet had to come. You were severely fatigued and outnumbered, but you fought like you never had before.

“Can’t you blast them all of something?” Tony asked on your side.

“I can try."

You flew into the air, amassing some attention from the enemy. With the attention on you, you took a deep breath. You pulled from the depths of your powers shooting dark red rays from your eyes onto the army.

You gritted your teeth as the heat ray expands. It grew larger and hotter than you ever thought was possible. Even when they began to fire at you, you held the position. That was until one of them hit the side of your stomach.

You grunted in pain and the lasers stopped. You descended less than gracefully landing on one knee.

“Good shit Y/n,” Thor clamped a hand your shoulder as he strode past you.

With a hand on the wound on your stomach you gave him a curt nod, “I don't know how long we can survive this.”

When you saw that portals begin to open all around you. The battle seemed to freeze, waiting to see who would be emerging. You felt relief wash over you as you saw the heroes walking out.

“Avengers!” Cap shouted. “Assemble!”

You got off of your knee and charged back into the battle. You ignored the pain on your side or the way the red film covered your vision.

You were moving on instinct alone as you dodged, weaved, and attacked. Breathing started to burn, but you kept going.

Time seemed to slow down again. You wondered if this was how you would die. Then you got a glimpse of Natasha.

She was face to face with the mad titan. He smacked her away like she was some kind of ant. Then he slowly walked to stand over her.

You flew up again, not thinking about the fire raining down. Your body was begging for you to stop, but instead you yelled. When the red beam shot at Thanos, he was caught off guard.

You proceeded to shoot him with everything you had. Your face was on fire, you couldn’t really see. You didn’t relent, zeroing in on him from the sky, then descending until you were in front of him.

The attack was affecting him. He began to curl in on himself when he couldn’t back away from you. His army attacked you, but you couldn’t feel anything except anger.

“Power without restraint is only another weakness.”

He grabbed you by the neck. As soon as he did your beams became unsteady. You were shooting him the face, and you knew it hurt him, but he refused to give.

The rays died out with your breath. You didn’t struggle. Your vision was fucked, but you maintained what you hoped was eye contact.

Your last breath was strangled but you had to say something, “You will lose.”

You cracked a smile, which only irritated the mad titan. He decided he would put you out of your misery. As he went to snap your neck, he was attacked by someone else. Someone more powerful.

He dropped you. When you hit the ground, you didn’t have enough breath to make a sound.

“Y/n! Shit, can you hear me?”

You couldn’t answer. You felt your body being dragged away. There wasn’t anything you could do. They propped you up against what you assumed was a rock.

“Jesus Christ, Y/n your eyes.”

You felt a hand shakily touch your face. A harsh sob escaped them. Their hands touched all over your body. Your shoulder, your sternum, your stomach; you were bleeding out.

A violent cough climbed up your throat. You felt the blood pile in your mouth forcing you to spit.

“No! You can’t go while I’m mad at you. I’m not supposed to forgive you for what you did. You’re supposed to pack your shit and leave after we’ve won. You aren’t supposed to die here. You can’t die here.”

“Tasha,” your voice was a gravelly whisper.

“You’re okay, you’re going to be okay,” she told you.

You wanted to hold her hand but you couldn’t move. Tears fell down your face, but you didn’t feel it, “Go fight.”

“I’m not leaving you.”

“Don’t watch me die. Go save the world,” you begged her.

She stood on shaky legs, “I can’t forgive you if you die.”

You wanted to laugh, but it came out as a wheeze. You felt yourself slipping, there was only one last thing you wanted to say.

“Natalia, I love you.”

Her voice cracked but she responded, “I love you too.”

You heard her steps get farther away. When you thought she couldn’t see you anymore, you coughed some more. Blood spilling from your mouth like before.

You could feel the rawness around your eyes. It hurt from your brows to the bottom of your nostrils. The section of your face was red, burnt from the intensity of the heat. Your eyes were nearly numb with pain.

You moved from leaning on a rock to flat on your back. With much effort you closed your eyes and stopped fighting.

Your body was weakened. You had been shot multiple times, burned your face, and almost had your neck snapped. There wasn't anything else for you to do but die.

So you listened to the sounds of war all around you, while the last of the air escaped your lungs. It all sounded the same; weapons clashing, boots on the ground, distant commands that you could no longer distinguish.

The last thing you heard was deafening compared to the rest. It was clear even over of the chaos. The click of a snap.

You felt a spike of adrenaline from the uncertainty of what I it meant. Had good prevailed or had Thanos undone everything you struggled for. You couldn't do anything except let your heart pound wildly in your chest.

You lost consciousness then.

Tony was gone. His body wasn’t made to handle the power of the infinity stones. Though the victory was monumental it didn’t feel like a win. There was no glee or celebratory nature to it, only a somber relief.

Natasha didn’t know if she could take the attention away from Tony. One of the most brilliant minds of the world, a leader of their team, had taken his last breath. She felt the loss, but you were at the top of her mind.

Was she too late?

“Where is she?”

The voice startled Natasha. She locked eyes with the witch on her right.

“I’ll show you,” Natasha took of in the direction she had left you.

Wanda followed behind her. This caught the attention of a few of the people, some of them following too.

As soon as Wanda saw your body, she was on the ground beside you. She carefully placed your head in her lap. Her magic flowed out of the tips of her fingers as she tried to bring you to consciousness.

“Dear god,” Steve mumbled when he saw your state.

His hand found it’s way on Natasha’s shoulder. She turned to face him, burying her head in the man’s chest. He wrapped his arms around her, it was the only thing he could do.

“I can still feel her,” Wanda announced. “It’s faint, but she isn’t dead yet.”

“My people can help, but not here. They need something to work with,” T’challa stated.

Bruce gestured around, “The compound is destroyed. We don’t have anywhere else.”

“The tower.”

Everyone’s eyes landed on Pepper.

“He never got around to clearing everything out.”

Dr. Strange was the one to open the portal, “Let’s not waste anymore time then.”

Wanda was the one to carry you carefully through the portal. T’challa went in next with some of the Wakandans, Bruce followed behind.

“I can handle things here if you want to go with her,” Strange was talking to Steve.

With a curt nod the captain ushered the Russian through the portal. Just like that they were back in the tower.

Wanda was leading everyone to where the medical facilities used to be. Sure enough as Pepper had said, there were still supplies around.

The Wakandans took over, taking you from Wanda. They began to assess the damage done to you. The others were told to wait in a separate area while they tried to keep you alive.

Steve and Wanda were stationed on opposite sides of Natasha. She stopped crying, but she just looked empty.

“Nat,” Steve called her softly.

“I was so mad at her. We had ended things and now she’s dead because of me.”

Wanda spoke first, “She isn’t dead, yet. They will save her.”

“And if they don’t?”

Steve offered his words, “Then we remember her as a hero. We couldn’t have done this without her.”

Natasha shook her head, “She killed Clint.”

Steve said ‘what’ and the same time Wanda said ‘why’.

“The only way to get the soul stone is by sacrificing someone you love. Clint and I, we tied her up. We fought to sacrifice ourselves. I had the upper hand, I had accepted it, but Y/n got free. She saved me after I jumped. She said there had to be another way, but I told her we didn’t have time. Then she just pushed him,” by the end of the recap Natasha was crying again.

Steve and Wanda shared a look.

“I watched the love of my life die in front of me twice in the span of 10 minutes. Once by my own hand. It is the most painful feeling I have ever felt in my life. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I would’ve done anything to have him here,” Wanda gave her opinion.

Steve drew in a large breath, “It was wrong to push him, but I can’t fault her for it. If I were up there with Peggy, I don’t know what I would do.”

“I wasn’t worth it,” Natasha said through her tears.

“Natasha we wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you. You’re the only one that never gave up. That’s worth everything. Half the universe would still be missing without you,” Steve argued.

“As much as I think she saved you because she loves you, I also think she did it for the world,” Wanda added.

Natasha looked at them, “Would you have saved me or Clint?”

“Natasha,” Steve pleaded with her.

“I need the truth,” she begged.

Wanda sighed, “Clint was the perfect shot. He was talented at hand to hand combat, he was loyal, resourceful, and he had a family.”

Steve made eye contact with Natasha, “But you’re better. You have everything he had, just sharper. Clint was stubborn, but he wasn’t a leader like you are.”

Wanda nodded in agreement.

“He was my best friend.”

“They both wanted you to live, Natasha,” Wanda said.

Natasha shook her head, “And now they’re both gone.”

Before Steve or Wanda can respond T’challa and Bruce come out of the med bay.

“She’s stable,” Bruce revealed.

“For now,” T’challa added tentatively.

Natasha shifted in her spot, “Can I see her?”

“I don’t think now is a good time,” Bruce couldn’t look at the red head.

“How bad is it?” Steve asked the men, even though he knew the answer to the question.

T'challa started talking, “She lost a lot of blood. There was a wound on her stomach and blood in her lungs.”

Bruce took over, “Her collarbone is fractured. There are a bunch of bruises and minor cuts across the rest of her body.”

“The burns around her eyes and brow lead us to believe she overused her heat vision. It’s unclear to us if she can see,” T’challa added.

“I need to see her,” Natasha’s voice held strong.

Steve stood up, “They’ll let us know when she wakes up and you can be the first to see her.”

“No, I need to see her now,” Natasha doubled down.

Wanda tried next, “You need to rest and heal. You have your own wounds that need tending. I also think you have someone you need to call now that the universe is saved.”

“She is in the most capable care in the world,” T’challa affirmed.

Natasha narrowed her eyes, “You’ll call me as soon as I'm able to see her.”

T’challa and Bruce gave her their word. She was reluctant to leave, but Steve and Wanda escorted her out of the building.

“You should call Yelena. Tell her to meet us at your place.”

“No need, she’ll already be there.”

Wanda’s brow creased, “How do you know?”

Natasha started walking, “If I was in her position, I’d probably start with me.”

“Fair point.”

Much to Natasha’s credit, she was right. Once they made it to her apartment Yelena was already inside. The blonde had made herself at home. Her feet were kicked up on the coffee table as she watched the news explain what was happening.

“Hello sestra,” she addressed her sister first. “Other Avengers,” she followed.

Natasha made her way over to Yelena, not being able to stop herself from hugging her sister. Yelena was stiff, but eventually she held Natasha tightly.

“I’m glad you’re here Lena.”

Yelena pulled back to look at her, “I couldn’t do anything else without making sure you were still here. I was worried that you had gotten yourself killed.”

Natasha frowned, “Almost.”

Wanda and Steve had wandered off to a different room of the home. They wanted to give the sisters space to talk.

“What do you mean almost?”

Natasha plopped down on the couch, leaning her back against the cushion, “There was this stone…”

She recapped the story to her sister, just like she did with Steve and Wanda. Yelena was a little more animated than either of them. Natasha could see the shock, disapproval, and relief cross Yelena’s face one at a time.

“I want you to know that I would do exactly what she did.”

“Yelena,” Natasha’s tone carried some type of warning in it.

Yelena shrugged feigning slight discomfort, “I just got you back. I don’t think I could go through losing you again.”

This made Natasha deflate, “You would survive.”

“I’ve survived my entire life. I’m tired of surviving. Our relationship, it’s unconventional, but it makes me feel normal. There’s nothing that could replace that feeling, Natalia.”

Natasha puts her hands over her face, “Is that supposed to make it okay? I get to be here with you, but Clint never gets to come home. Laura and the kids never get to see him again. It’s not-”

“When has life ever been fair to us? Listen to yourself. This was always going to be a lose-lose situation. I’m sure they’ve already told you. Someone up there was going to die and two were going to come back.”

“Why not me?”

Yelena moved closer to her sister. She crouched down to get eye level with the woman, “Look at me.”

Natasha removed her hands from her face to meet her sister’s gaze.

“The way you’re feeling now, would you wish it on anyone else?”

“No.”

Yelena tilted her head, “You’re certain?”

Natasha let out an irritated sigh, “I would not wish this feeling on anyone else.”

Yelena raised her hands in good faith, “I am just checking. So, say you jumped successfully. Do you think that Clint would’ve felt the way you’re feeling?”

Natasha remained silent.

“How about Y/n? Do you think either of them deserved to feel the way you do? The guilt for not being able to stop you, depriving you of ever having a family, the resentment you feel for surviving?”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” she tried to defend.

Yelena nodded, “Yes it is.”

“No it’s not,” she was beginning to grow frustrated.

“Y/n’s tied up on the ground watching you fight to throw yourself off a cliff; to end the life you’ve built together, to sacrifice our relationship, to give up the chance of seeing your 5 years of hard work pay off. She can’t do anything, but watch, helplessly.”

“Stop.”

Yelena persisted, “Clint’s beating himself up for not being good enough to win your fight. He’s thinking he needs to be faster, stronger, he has to win to save your life. He owes you everything, all the best parts of him are possible because of you. How is he supposed to forgive himself for failing the one person who never gave up on him.”

“That’s enough,” Natasha stood up, trying to put distant between herself and Yelena.

The blonde followed her, “Y/n hates Clint for helping tie her up. She hates him for not being better, but she hates herself too. She can’t forgive him, or anyone else for what happened to you.”

Natasha turned on a dime, shoving the blonde in the chest. Yelena stopped though the adrenaline of her words coursed through her veins.

“Natasha,” Steve was the one to call her name, hoping to diffuse the situation.

Wanda stood by Yelena, acting as a barrier between the sisters.

Yelena seemed unbothered, but there was something fiery in her eyes, “It never mattered if it was Clint or Y/n or you. It was never going to be fair Natasha.”

Steve didn’t give the Natasha the chance to rebuttal. Instead he placed his hand on her shoulder, guiding her into her bedroom. The bedroom she was meant to share with you.

She sat on the bed, looking up and away from the man.

“You think she’s right?”

Steve sat on the edge facing away from her, “I don’t think she’s wrong.”

“I love Y/n. I didn’t think I could actually feel this way, but I do. She’s the only one to ever make me feel like this and I’m scared to lose her. It’s terrifying thinking that she might die.”

“But?”

Natasha closed her eyes, “But how am I supposed to forgive her?”

“You don't have to forgive her.”

Natasha sighed, “But?”

“But I can tell that you want to. Maybe you won’t forgive her today or tomorrow or even a year, but I think it’s possible.”

“When we were fighting all I could think about was him. I had to keep pushing or Clint would’ve died for nothing. Then Y/n saved me from Thanos. When I saw what he had done to her, I stopped thinking about Clint. I stopped thinking about the fight. All I thought about was how I didn’t want to live without her.”

Steve nodded along, “I think she could relate to the feeling.”

“Yelena was right. This was never going to be fair.”

Natasha needed space to process alone. Steve could sense it. So he stood up and she didn't stop him.

“Can I ask hard question?”

She gave him the go ahead.

“When it happened, did you love her any less?”

She hated you when you pushed him. She was sure of it. There was rage, horror, and shock. Natasha couldn’t recall anything more devastating in the last 5 years.

Yet she found herself saying, “No.”

Steve exited the room after she answered his question, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

“She’s going to need some time,” Steve entered the space living room.

“You think I pushed too hard?”

Wanda answered the blonde, “I think she needs it some times.”

“I’m going to go check on everything with Strange and the others. I need you to stay here, keep an eye on her.”

“Understood,” the magic user agreed.

Once he left it was only Yelena and Wanda.

Yelena tried to make small talk, “So, you weren’t here for any of this shit either?”

“Nope.”

You were no stranger to waking up in the infirmary. The sounds of machines beeping was familiar. The chatter from the medical staff was expected. Even the feeling of the blinding white lights didn’t startle you.

Or they wouldn’t have if you could see them.

“Y/n, can you hear me?”

You ignored the question, “Why can’t I see anything?”

“Y/n we’re working on a solution,” Bruce didn’t answer your question either.

“A solution to what, Bruce?”

T’challa speaks next, “You have lost control of your heat vision. Whenever your eyes are open, the beams come out.”

“So I’m blind.”

“We don’t know. We can't test anything because of your powers.”

One person crossed your mind, “Bruce, what about Charles?”

Bruce let out a little gasp, “I’ll see if I can get ahold of him. I’ll check with Summers too.”

He started to walk away, but he turned back to you.

“I can still feel you staring at me.”

He cleared his throat a bit, “Did you… did you kill Clint?”

You took a long inhale before answering him, “Yeah.”

“You pushed him,” Bruce said somberly.

“I- I wasn’t going to let Natasha die.”

T’challa interrupted, “Why not sacrifice yourself? There is no honor in murder.”

“You don’t think I know that? I wanted to find another way but Nat said we didn’t have any time. They were both standing by the edge. I just…”

A sob broke through your sentence. There it was, your guilt finally catching up to you. Your mask was slipping rapidly.

The tears were hot as they welled behind your eyes. They burned as they slid across the raw skin around your eyes.

“He was my friend too.”

Bruce attempted to back track, “I shouldn’t have asked. You’re in recovery.”

“She did jump, you know. I flew down to save her. I almost lost her and that was terrifying. I didn’t think about it, I didn’t plan it out, I just acted. Everything slowed down and then my hand was on his chest. Fuck.”

When you stopped speaking you brought your knees up to your chest. It hurt, everything hurt, but you needed it. You needed something tangible.

T'challa spoke, “I see it now, you did sacrifice yourself. You placed this burden on your shoulders intentionally.”

“Vormir was about more than one of us dying. It was about who could sacrifice something so monumental and have the strength to not die with what they loved.”

“Y/n, you have to lie down or the stitches on your abdomen will pop,” Bruce instructed you.

You do as the man said, “There was no reality in which Natasha went over that cliff and I didn’t.” You took a small pause before speaking again, “I would do anything to keep her safe. Even if that means having this guilt about what I’ve done. Even if she can never forgive me. At least I can find comfort in knowing she’s alive.”

“She loves you a lot more than I've seen her ever love anybody else. I don't know if she'll forgive you, but I know she won't stop loving you.” He cleared his throat, “Now, we’re going to see about those glasses.”

“Wait,” you stop them one final time. “How long has it been?”

“3 weeks.”

Once they exited your room Bruce made some calls. First, he called Steve to let him know you had woken up. The super soldier already knew he’d be tasked with telling Natasha. Then he called Charles Xavier, explaining the dilemma with your eyes. While the man didn’t have a pair he did send over the blue print for glasses. Lastly, he called Scott Summers who was reluctant, but eventually agreed to spare a pair of his special glasses.

By the time he had finished the last call Natasha was already in the building.

“I want to see her."

“She’s not ready to be seen yet. If you come back tomorrow-”

If looks could kill Bruce would be dead, “It’s been 3 weeks. She’s awake and I want to see her.”

“Natasha please, just one more day. We’re trying to figure out something important.”

“Five minutes. Just let me see her for five minutes and then I’ll leave,” Natasha bargained.

T’challa responded instead of Bruce, “Five minutes.”

“Thank you.”

She didn’t hesitate letting herself into your room. Her nerves were spiked, she was afraid to see you again. Over the last few weeks she kept picturing you like she last saw you. Bloody, broken, and on the brink of death.

You looked healthier in the hospital bed, but she didn’t know how much that meant. A lot of your injuries were hidden under the blanket. She could see some bruising along your neck. The sling on your arm also stood out to her. However, nothing was as noticeable as your face.

She remembered the bright red burns around your eyes from before. They were a much softer color now, but still present. It was as if someone had stamped your face with a red rectangle. Your eyes were completely covered, she knew you couldn’t see.

She stayed quiet as she got closer to you. She held her breath as reached out placing her hand on your cheek.

You didn’t move at first. Though you couldn’t see, you’d know her touch anywhere.

“Hi,” you broke the silence.

She responded, “Hey.”

It was quiet for another beat, “I didn't think you'd come.”

“You’re all I've been thinking about for the last 3 weeks. I didn't know if you'd wake up.”

“I’m sorry,” the volume of your voice died with your words.

She ignored your apology, “Can you see?”

“Don’t know yet. They can't run any tests because when my eyes are open my powers activate. Bruce is calling Charles and Cyclops to see if the same thing that works for him will work for me."

“And if it doesn’t?”

You go to shrug before remembering your sling, “Then I’m blind, I guess.”

“You should be more upset.”

You think about saying that you deserved it, but you don’t. Instead you let out a sigh, “I have other things that bother me more than potentially losing my vision.”

“I only have 5 minutes before they kick me out. I don’t- I don’t want to talk about that right now. I just want to be happy that you aren’t dead.”

You nod your head, “I'm happy that you’re happy.”

“We got the glasses, it’s time run some tests,” Bruce interrupted the moment.

“One last minute,” you tell Bruce who obliged.

Natasha’s hand left your face. She placed a kiss on your forehead, “I’ll come back tomorrow.”

“Until tomorrow,” you said.

You could feel the distance growing as she walked away from you. Much like Bruce had earlier she stopped for a moment at the door. She looked back at you, a small debate running through her mind.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” your voice tremored at the end.

She left the room, allowing Bruce and T’challa back into the space.

“We’re going to have to get you to a secure location to test this. We’ve got a wheelchair here for you. We’ll take you to the training floor, put the glasses on you, see what happens, and go from there.”

“Okay.”

Natasha went back home after seeing you. It was only a few minutes but she felt a lot of relief seeing you alive.

“How is she doing?”

Natasha frowned, “She’s not in good shape. They don't even know if she can see, something about her powers not turning off.”

“Oh god,” Wanda responded.

The witch had been staying with her and Yelena since everything happened.

“Yeah, they only let me see her for five minutes.”

Yelena chimed in, “Damn that’s barely anything. Are you going to back tomorrow?”

She nods, “Yeah, I think there’s some things we need to talk about.”

“What did you talk about today?”

“Just her eyes really. She said sorry, but I wasn’t ready to talk. I told her I loved her,” Natasha’s gaze was locked on the ground.

Wanda was gentle when she asked, “Do you know what you're going to do?”

Natasha sighed, “I know what I want to do, but it all depends on what she says.”

Yelena put a hand on her sister’s shoulder, “Y/n is stubborn. I hope this goes the way you want it to.”

“She’s not like that with me.”

Wanda hummed at the response, “You don't think she'll try to distance herself. Too much shame and guilt.”

Natasha ran her hand along the arm of the couch, “All I know for sure is that she loves me.”

“Is that enough?” Yelena questioned.

“I want it to be.”

Back at the tower, you were preparing to open your eyes. You were alone in the training room. Bruce and T’challa were outside of it observing through the glass.

They had wheeled you into the middle of the room, glasses placed neatly on your lap.

You were scared, but that didn’t stop you.

It burned when you opened your eyes. The skin on your face wasn’t fully healed. It felt like you were reopening the burn wounds. You screamed at the feeling, fighting to keep your eyes open.

Your hands shook as you picked up the glasses. You shut your eyes, breathing heavily at the sensation. Once the glasses perched on your nose, you froze up a bit.

That pain you just felt causing you to hesitate. The longer your eyes were closed the more you saw Vormir. The ropes they had tied you up with, Clint falling to his death, the look on Natasha’s face; they would haunt you either way.

When you opened your eyes again the raging fire you had been subdued to a dull warmth.

“Y/n can you see?” Bruce asked over the intercom.

You nodded, “Everything is red, but I can see.”

You tried to get up from the wheelchair, but you overestimated your strength. You fell back into the chair. The second try was more successful. It took a lot more effort but you made it to your feet.

Your steps were careful as you hobbled towards your reflection. You were finally getting a good look at yourself.

Your fingers brushed the tender skin around the glasses. They then trailed down to the bruises on your neck. You flinched as they moved outward to sling of on your left arm.

You lifted the hospital gown, knowing that more injuries were hidden underneath. The stitches on your stomach were neat, but the area around it was still very bruised.

“Let’s get you back to the med bay; see if we can run some tests.”

You limped back to the wheelchair, staring at it before pushing it away.

“Y/n you really should-”

The sentence stopped as you began to levitate off of the floor. Nothing too intense just enough so that your feet were slightly hovering above the ground.

The next few hours were exhausting. They prodded and poked at you like you were some kind of experiment. You knew they were just doing their jobs, but that didn’t make it feel any less invasive.

When they were done you felt empty. You laid flat on your back staring at the ceiling. The red tint to everything was something you would have to get used to.

“I know it’s late, but what kind of captain would I be if I didn’t come see you?”

Your head lolled over to side to face him, “Hi Steve.”

He took a seat on the edge of your bed, “How are you?”

You let out a sad laugh, “Not good.”

“You want to talk about it?”

You blinked at the man, “What’s there to talk about? I killed my friend to save the woman I love. She’ll never forgive me. Then I almost died, my powers are broken, and for the foreseeable future I’ll only see in red.”

“You’re not dead. You’re here and maybe you’re broken, but its only been a day. There could be a cure, and if not at least the glasses can help. Even if it’s all red, you can see. And Natasha… she loves you Y/n.”

You fought against your tears.

“You can cry you know.”

You shook your head, “I’m tired of crying. It burns.”

“Okay, we can talk about something else.”

“We won right? Against Thanos.”

There’s a pained look that crossed Steve’s features, “Yeah, we did.”

“What happened?”

Steve let out a labored breath. He was the captain of the team. The only captain. So even though the wounds were fresh he reopened them, telling you about everything that you had missed.

It was quiet after that. The people who had disappeared were now back. Tony was dead. You missed the services for him and Clint.

“How’s Laura?”

He doesn’t shy away, “She’s hurting, the kids too. It’s a rough reality to accept. You were gone for years and now you’re back, but you’re missing a big piece of yourself.”

“Does she know?”

He nodded, “Yeah.”

Your heart sank further than you thought was possible. You felt sick, you wished you could curl up into yourself. There was nothing you could say. You couldn’t hold the tears back any further.

“I’m so sorry,” you choke out.

“She doesn’t blame you.”

You cry even harder at that, “That doesn’t make it any better. She should hate me.”

“She understands.”

“I don’t deserve it,” you started to hyperventilate.

Steve took your hand in his. He began to breathe deeply, trying to get you to mimic him. You began trying to copy him. With much effort your breathing began to return to normal.

“I think it would benefit you to talk to her.”

You frowned, “I don’t.”

He tried again, “It would benefit her.”

That made you hesitate, “I owe the Barton’s everything.”

“How about a phone call?”

“It’s late.”

Steve didn’t budge, “She’s not asleep.”

“Okay,” you found yourself agreeing.

Steve handed you his phone. It rang maybe three times before someone answered.

“Hello?”

You didn’t say anything.

“Steve, are you there? Is everything alright?”

You were petrified.

The super solider took the phone from you, “Laura, hey. I wanted to tell you Y/n woke up today. I’m with her right now. I was wondering if you wanted to speak with her?”

There’s a small beat, but Steve handed the phone back to you.

“Y/n, sweetheart, are you there?”

“I’m here,” you squeaked out.

You heard Laura sigh on the other end, “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Laura I’m- I’m so sorry,” you crumbled after hearing her words.

“I forgive you,” she said quietly.

You argued with her, “You shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it.”

You could hear her tearing up on the other end, “Y/n I knew Clint better than anyone else. He had his moments, but he was a selfless man. He was already planning to save the world. Clint always wanted to have a heroes ending.”

“Laura-”

She cut you off, “You were scared to lose Natasha and I guarantee you that he was too.”

“I wanted there to be another way. I didn’t want anyone to die. I just- I needed more time. I just needed more time,” your voice died at the end.

“Y/n you were in a war. Sometimes the only way is death and it doesn’t matter how much time is on the clock,” she told you.

You felt shame as you spoke, “I owe you my life. More than my life, Laura. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you. Whatever you need, I promise to deliver for you and the kids.”

“Y/n you don’t have to do anything.”

You nodded even though she can’t see, “I do and even if I didn’t, I still would. I can’t fix this. I can’t undo what I’ve done. There’s not even a way I can really make it right, but fuck. This is all I can offer, I don’t deserve remorse, but please Laura.”

She was quiet for a minute, “… I will call you if I need anything .”

“Thank you,” you held back your sob this time.

“Tell me about how you’re doing,” she changed the subject and you let her.

You talked all through the night. Steve left his phone with you for the night. Talking to Laura was hard, but not nearly as hard as you thought. She wasn’t degrading you or berating you. Though you found it hard to believe that she didn’t have any animosity toward you, she didn’t let it show.

You told her about your injuries and bits of the battle that you remembered. She asked you about Natasha. You were honest with her.

Nothing in your brain was telling you that deserved the Russian. Laura said that was stupid. She pointed out that the only reason you were in this state was because you went to save Natasha. She said that the two of you obviously loved each other. Laura even went as far to say that Clint would’ve wanted you to be together.

You told her that it wasn’t your decision any more. It was all up to Natasha. You admitted that you would never turn her away, but also that you would never force her to be with you.

She told you that she knew Natasha very well. In the same way that everyone else had told you today she said that Natasha loved you. Part of you hoped that would be enough.

It was late when you finally woke up. You fought the urge to open your eyes. Instead you reached for the bedside table, feeling around for the glasses.

You grunted in frustration when you didn’t feel them. The sling on your left arm stopping you from reaching any further.

“Here.”

“You scared the fuck out of me,” you said placing the glasses on your face.

The voice startled you causing your heart rate to jump. She placed the glasses in your hand.

“Sorry,” she shrugged.

You looked at her for the first time in weeks. Subconsciously you were checking her for injuries, surely, they would’ve faded by now. She wasn’t as hurt as you were.

“How long have you been here, Nat?”

“A few hours, it’s late. I didn't want to wake you.”

You shot up in your spot, there was instant regret as you felt a pain in your stomach.

“What time is it?” You grunted out.

Natasha helped you sit up in the bed. Her eyes were sharp as she looked at you, “You need to be more carefully. It’s almost 2pm."

You kept her gaze as you nodded, “Sorry, I was up late last night.”

“Couldn’t sleep?”

You looked in your lap, “Steve came to see me. He told me I should talk to Laura.”

“Oh.”

You sighed a bit, “Yeah he called her. We ended up talking all I night. I think his phone is still in here somewhere.”

“You talked to Laura?”

Your nod was softer this time, “I didn’t want to at first. Steve said it would help her, that she wanted to talk to me. I will be indebted to her for the rest of my life, so we talked about everything.”

Natasha shuffled around in her seat, “How did it go?”

She watched the relief cross your face. There was even a small smile on your lips.

“I feel like it went as good as it could’ve gone. I- I wish I could do more to show how sorry I am, how guilty I feel. But all I can do is apologize and promise to be there for her any time she needs anything. It’s not him, nothing will ever be him.”

Natasha moved closer to you, “You’re right, nothing you do can bring him back. No amount of apologies or promises will resurrect him.”

“Natasha…”

She cut you off, “All I want to ask is why you did it?”

You caught her gaze again. Maybe it was wrong to weigh your options, but you started to do it anyway.

“The truth,” she stopped your thoughts in their track.

You turned your head away from her. You struggled, but eventually your back hit the mattress. Your eyes shut, thinking it would be easier this way. Natasha thought it was easier too.

“I thought it was for you at first. For the life you created, for the family you had just found. So that you could see all your hard work pay off. These last 5 years were so hard on you, I just wanted you to be able to feel the success,” you started.

“At first?”

You continued, “Then I thought it was for me. I didn’t want to watch you die. You guys tied me up, left me helpless. I had to watch you both fighting to kill yourselves. When I saw you go over that cliff I didn’t know if I was fast enough to save you. I tried anyway and if I would’ve failed then we both be dead.”

“I understand, after watching you almost die,” she relented.

“The truth is, in the moment I was thinking of us. It wasn't some long thought out thing. In my head it was simple. The world still needed you and so did I. When you said we didn't have time, it was my instinctual reaction."

The Russian didn’t take her eyes off of you, “I want to forgive you.”

“I won’t make you.”

Natasha kept going, “You almost died protecting me."

“Clint is dead because of me,” you refuted.

“One of us had to die,” she sounded somber.

You squeezed your eyes tighter, “It should’ve been on his own terms. I shoved him.”

“We would’ve been up there debating for hours or fighting each other. I won’t forgive you for pushing him, I just can’t; but I also can’t pretend like I don’t care about you anymore.”

You still haven’t opened your eyes, “What does that mean?”

Natasha placed her hand on top of yours, “It means that you can’t move out. It means that I want to try to work through this because I love you.”

You finally reopened your eyes, “Natasha, is this a good idea?”

“Do you love me?”

Your eyes softened, “Of course I love you.”

“Then it’s a good idea. Besides, I think you owe me for all of the trauma.”

“Fair point,” you responded.

There was a shared chuckle between the two of you.

Natasha reached out, much like she had the day before. This time she wiped some of your hair out of your face. Her hand trailed your side profile. She was mindful of your injuries.

You were subconsciously leaning into her touch. Her eyes fell to your lips. You felt your face heat with anticipation. Neither of you said anything.

She kissed you. It was delicate. Fragile in the way she held your face. Soft in the way her lips moved against yours. Much like the state of your relationship.

“You’re coming home when they discharge you.”

You drag your gaze from her lips to her eyes, “Okay.”

She pecked your lips once more, “Wanda and Lena are staying with us by the way.”

“Are they alright?”

“Wanda is doing the best she can without Vision. My sister is paranoid something is going to happen and doesn't want to be separated again,” she gave you a quick rundown.

“At least you have each other.”

Natasha hummed in agreement. It was quiet again after that. The two of you just staring at each other. You were the one to speak first.

“You want to cuddle?”

She let out a genuine laughter, “You’re in a hospital bed.”

“I know, but you can squeeze in,” you look away from her slightly embarrassed.

“And your stomach stitches?”

You mumbled in response, “It’s fine for the most part.”

“Sure it is.”

You glared back at her, “Are you going to hold me or not?”

She smiled when she stood up, slowly rounding the bed. She climbed in tiny bed, attentive to your injuries. She was careful as she placed her arms around you. You pushed yourself further into her arms.

She kissed the side of your head, “You’re needy when you’re hurt.”

“Whatever.”

“Cranky too.”

You huffed, “But you still love me.”

“Very much,” she teased.

“I love you back.”

She kissed you one last time. Then the two of you laid together. Guilt and shame still lingered in the back of your mind, but with Natasha holding you, love stood at the forefront of your mind.

That’s how you ended up in the Avengers Initiative, not that you felt you didn’t deserve it since you know how hard you worked and everything you gave up to work towards this achievement. 

The team themselves were initially skeptical since you were barely 18 during the battle of New York, but they were quickly proven wrong when they saw how well you handled yourself against the Chitauri. 

You were devastated when SHIELD fell, but carried on as an Avenger, battling Ultron and then moving to the Compound with the team.

You met the actual Bucky for the first time when you were 22, during the whole Civil War thing with Baron Zemo. Like Natasha, you were on Tony’s team, fighting mostly Pietro, but the conflict eventually ended. 

It took Tony some time to get over the whole “Bucky killing his parents while brainwashed” thing, but, as he likes to say, he can’t call himself a genius without admitting that Bucky didn’t have much of a choice. 

Thanks to Tony’s help Shuri was able to find a solution to Bucky’s brainwashing faster than she would’ve alone, meaning Bucky didn’t have to go back into cryo and was pretty quickly cleared to join the team, about a year after the airport battle in Leipzig.

You were warmly accepted by everybody and, the more the team grew the more you felt at home with these people.

And now you wish you could burn down the whole compound because, somehow, Tony convinced you to have a birthday party for the first time in 13 years because, in his words, 'you only turn 25 once'.

Good news is you managed to make him limit the guest list to the team and other people close to you like Maria Hill and Fury. Bad news is you’re still gonna be the center of attention, which you hate.

You couldn’t stop Tony from making everyone dress up for the party, and you couldn’t stop the team from getting you gifts even though you insisted all you wanted was everyone together and to have fun with them since for the longest time nobody ever even knew when your birthday was. 

What you didn’t realize was that the only person more worried than you about your gifts was Bucky.

Since he joined the team the two of you have gotten close, starting with his first training with the team where he very loudly told Steve about his disbelief that someone as young and small as you could actually be an asset to the team.

You quickly put him in his place by taking him down after less than two minutes of sparring, taking full advantage of his underestimating you because he “didn’t want to hurt a pretty little thing like you.”

Admittedly he was impressed and wasn’t shy about letting you know that, while the rest of the team snickered at his initial shock when you pinned him down.

You became friends after that, not as close as you’d like but friends nonetheless.

If you were honest with yourself you’ve been harboring a little crush on the supersoldier, but he’s never shown any interest so you resigned yourself to just being his friend.

Something that you did come to treasure, though, is your and Bucky’s late night talks.

It started with you walking in on him in the kitchen on a late night where you couldn’t sleep, nothing new to you, but the two of you barely talked other than acknowledging each other.

You took a bottle of water and left.

A couple of days later you ran into him again and you stood there in silence while you made yourself a cup of tea and then left for your room.

A few days later again he was just sitting there and said nothing as you made your tea, except this time you put a cup in front of him and silently took a seat next to him at the counter.

Two nights later when you arrived at the kitchen he was already there with a cup of tea in front of him and one in front of the seat next to him.

You didn’t want to assume it was for you, but you took a chance when you noticed it was the cup you always used, a blue mug with Stitch on it that says “Let’s get weird”. Your favorite in fact.

You hesitantly sat down next to him and, without you having to ask or without even looking at you, he told you that the nights you stay up late because you can’t sleep you tend to be more quiet during the team dinners and while you hang out afterwards.

You didn’t say anything in return and just sat there, trying not to overthink how much he seemed to watch you.

But the more nights you spent like that, the more you two talked and you gathered quickly that Bucky is a very observant person, nothing more.

You loved the time you spent together after dark where you’d talk about everything and anything, but come morning it was almost as if it never happened, which you came to accept.

It weirdly made the nights you spent talking even more special, which was almost every night.

But back to the present, you’re currently getting ready with Natasha and Wanda, who know much more than you about hair and makeup and are always happy to help you out with getting ready for Stark parties. 

You put on the black cocktail dress with rhinestones all over the corset and a slit down the left side, then the three of you make your way to the party room and you take a deep breath before entering.

Everyone is already there, all dressed up in fancy clothes as they all shout “Happy Birthday”.

You laugh and say hi to everybody while they all take turns hugging you, there’s not too many people but everyone important to you is there.

Even Laura and Clint’s kids are there, which you consider a second family at this point, since Laura always did treat you like a daughter.

You hate to admit that it's a nice party.

Knowing you, everyone makes an effort to not put you too much at the center of attention and you just go around talking to your friends like every other party.

Eventually time comes for the cake and, the moment you kind of dreaded, opening the gifts.

Since it's the first birthday you allowed the team to celebrate everyone decided to go all in for your gifts, which you picked up on from the very first gift you open.

Pietro got you a first edition of “The Picture Of Dorian Gray” which is your all time favorite book, Wanda and Maria got you a leather jacket and an amazing pair of boots that you knew were expensive because you were all out shopping together when you came across them.

Steve got you a gold heart-shaped locker with a picture of the team inside it, Natasha got you a charm bracelet with a little charm to represent everyone on the team, and Sam got you a cute necklace with your birth stone on it.

When you open Fury’s gift you start laughing since it's a gun, a SIG SAUER P226 to be precise, which is very Fury.

“It was my first gun when I joined SHIELD.” He says with a smile and you smile back, knowing how much thought he put into this gift.

You open Clint’s gift next, a bow and arrow that he already taught you how to use, and Laura got you a pair of diamond earrings.

Your heart melts when you open Lila, Cooper and Nathaniel’s gifts, respectively a friendship bracelet, an Avengers action figure of yourself and a Stitch plushie.

The three of them hug you tightly as you say thank you and now you only have two gifts left, Tony’s and Bucky’s, and they’re both little boxes. 

You open Tony’s next, thinking it’s some fancy necklace or earring but you frown when you see a car key.

“Is this the key to your car?” you ask Tony, knowing full well you’re holding the key to an Audi R8 Spyder, the car Tony’s let you borrow so many times you’re now wondering if he’s gifting you his spare set of keys.

“No.” He says casually “It’s the key to your car.”

You’re even more confused and simply stare at him with your mouth gaped, not really processing the information.

“Y-you… You got me a car?!” You almost yell out of shock and everyone else starts laughing at your antics when you start basically jumping up and down and hugging Tony, squealing like a little girl.

“Well, come on, let’s go see it!” Tony says enthusiastically after you’ve calmed down, and you get up, just as enthusiastic, but are stopped by Steve’s voice.

“Wait, wait. You have one gift left.” He says, picking up the small box and giving it to you. “It’s from Bucky.”

You were so pumped up by the car, you almost forgot about it and completely miss the mischievous look Steve gives Bucky and the murderous glare Bucky gives back.

You also miss Bucky starting to protest before you open his gift, but he instantly shuts up when he sees your face falling the second you open it.

It’s a small necklace with a blue rose in it, it really looks like something you’d give a little girl more than a 25 year old woman.

You look at it for a minute, running your finger on it before you raise your head and look at Bucky.

The whole room goes silent as they all watch you worriedly, everyone noticing immediately that tears are streaming down your face.

Nobody understands what’s happening and nobody knows how to react or what to do, it’s like they’re all frozen by the sight of you being vulnerable for the first time ever. 

Meanwhile Bucky’s heart is beating so loud he’s sure everyone around him can hear it, and he feels himself starting to panic at the thought of having ruined your birthday with that stupid gift.

Everybody else got you expensive gifts and all he did was get you a small, cheap necklace that reminded him of a story you briefly talked about once on one of your late night talks about a necklace you had as a kid.

He saw it at the mall while looking for a gift for you, remembering the sweet smile you had on your face when you mentioned it and the fleeting sad look he thought he saw when you told him you lost it when you were 12.

He was really proud of himself for that gift, but the more he saw the other gifts you got the more he regretted his choice, especially after Tony gave you a fucking car.

And now you were crying, not saying anything while just looking at him.

He doesn’t know what to expect from you at the moment, nobody does, he thinks you might yell, throw his gift back at him, tell him how much you hate it and him.

But you surprise everyone by throwing your arms around Bucky’s neck, hugging him tightly while crying into his shoulder.

You honestly forgot telling Bucky about that story and certainly didn’t expect him to remember it, especially since you always got the feeling that he didn’t care about your talks as much as you.

You just assumed that come morning he deleted everything you told him to make room for more important things, and you didn’t blame him.

But he didn’t.

What you didn’t tell him about the necklace is that your mom gave it to you because blue roses were her favorite, you had that necklace since you were born but you somehow lost it the day of her funeral.

That day you lost the two most important things in your life and cried yourself to sleep, and that was the last time you allowed yourself to be weak and cry.

Until today.

Bucky hesitantly wraps his arms around you, rubbing your back hoping to get you to calm down. He looks around at the rest of the team, panicking a little and not knowing what to do.

Everyone else is as clueless as he is, never having seen you in such a state before.

Bucky starts apologizing, his heart breaking at the sight of you crying, and he feels horrible that it’s because of him.

You shake your head quickly and pull away a little to look at him, wanting to reassure him you’re not sad or angry but incredibly happy, but words refuse to come. You take a deep breath to calm yourself and finally manage to speak.

“Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me.” It’s quiet, but it’s something, and it’s enough to make Bucky let out a breath of relief at knowing you don’t hate him or his gift.

He brings you back in for another tight hug, almost forgetting about everyone else in the room as you hug him back without hesitation.

You’re honestly not even embarrassed at crying, all you care about at the moment is Bucky, his arms around you while he lets you bury your face in his neck, like you’ve been wanting to do for years now.