#kentjack

-first, it’s a fucking tiny city. I’m talking 100k people in the urban area

-Kent gets into fights when people call Poughkeepsie “upstate NY”. IT’S NOT.

-but anyways outside the city, it goes right from small urban environment to RURAL AF, lots of small weirdly named towns in the rest of the state

-seriously. like “Schaghticoke” is half an hour north

-as in, you go from the (three) skyscrapers to an actual llama farm in about 15 minutes tops

-Kent would’ve gone to one of these farms as an elementary school field trip, ate apple cider donuts and fresh hot maple syrup poured on fresh snow

-Kent Parson owned a pair of Uggs at one point, and wears North Face fleece 3/4 zip ups

-he still is picky about craft beer, and has Opinions on which is the best supermarket: Hannaford, Price Chopper, or (if you travel) Wegman’s

-his mom would take him camping in the Adirondacks each summer, and they would carry black bear whistles even though they’ve never seen a bear

-in the winter, his family skates in the Empire Plaza outdoor rink and gets falafel from the truck that loiters around there sometimes

-he can clear a snowy driveway in under 15 minutes. every winter was like an extra icy conditioning practice before he even got to the rink

-THE RINK: Kent would’ve played hockey in the Knickerbocker Arena, and was outraged when they renamed it to Pepsi Arena, and still annoyed when they renamed it yet again to the Times Union Center in the mid-2000s

-you can tell how old someone is by what name they refer to it as

-in high school he would’ve gone to parties held outdoors in the woods and then ran around drunk at a golf course 

-he’s drank too much Keystone Light in his young life already

-Kent would’ve been dared by his out-of-state hockey friends to swim in the Hudson River, which gets sewage dumped into it when there is more than like 2 inches of rain

-has also been smuggled into a drive-thru movie by hiding in a trunk, trying not to breath in fumes from the old Honda his friend drove

-Kent’s used to hearing stories about corrupt politicians. nothing can faze him in terms of corruption in political offices. n o t h i n g

-Albany Devils play in the city now, but he’s used to buying tickets to see, say, the Rangers down in NYC

-has gone to the state museum more times than he can count, and cried actual tears when they took the mastodon reconstruction out of the front window

-sees Dave Matthews perform at SPAC every summer. he doesn’t even like Dave Matthews.

-the public transportation is kind of terrible. he uses his first contract check to buy his mom a car

-he also buys her a lakeside house up in Saratoga eventually, complete with a huge boat. 

-his mom sends him photos of the fall foliage on her drive to work, from the 787 commute

-he has a picture of the hudson river surrounded by the red-orange-yellow trees as his phone wallpaper occasionally

-Jack maybe visited him there, once, met his mom and everything.

-they went to the state museum, taken photos in front of the Egg 

-(the Egg- an egg-shaped building. great concert venue.)

-maybe kissed in a Stewart’s parking lot

-Kent was eating their Fireworks ice cream, that has pop rocks in it, and Jack can taste the fizz on his lips

-Jack, history nerd, would’ve loved Ten Broeck Mansion, the Capitol building, the Schuyler Mansion

-yes, Schuyler Mansion, as in Eliza/Angelica/Phillip Schuyler

-they scared themselves on a ghost tour of the Capitol building, where there are haunted statue heads (including an angry Alexander Hamilton one)

-Jack is a nerd and makes Kent take him to where President Chester A. Arthur was buried. Kent didn’t even remember he was a President

-much later in life, Kent maybe takes his boyfriend to the city in the winter

-they go to the holiday lights show, and pose under the gigantic glowing heart, nearly getting chased off by the on-duty police officer there

-Kent takes lots of photos at the Annual Tulip Fest

- it’s a a gigantic festival of tulip beds and vendors, lots of instagram-y shot potential

he names the especially weirdly colored flowers on his SnapChat, then eats too much fried dough (his trainer is going to murder him)

-Kent Parson, my Albany son, wears a I Heart NY tee shirt but to him it means Albany, not NYC

• So Jack and Kent go way back. They tried dating once in juniors, it was A Disaster. So they decided to be BFFs-who-still-hook-up-sometimes and luckily LA and Vegas are close to each other so they see each other a lot. They always had a pact that if they played 10 years in the NHL and hadn’t fallen for anyone else (“And both of our teams won the cup.” “I bet I win first Zimms”) then they’d get together. 

• But then Jack gets traded to Providence and it’s not so easy when they are in different time zones so they talk less and hook up less and Kent gets a call one summer night after he’s been out with the Aces and of course he answers because it’s Jack and he falls off the bed and scares the living daylights out of his cat because-

• Jack’s getting married. Next week. To some baker he’s only known six months. And then they’re going to come out to everyone. And Jack wants Kent to be there

• And Kent is like “What the flippity fuck, this was NOT the plan, clearly the baker is slipping him a love potion, I must fly out to Rhode Island and Stop This.”

• But then he gets there and the baker (“Eric, but everyone calls me Bitty!”) is actually adorable?? And has this thick southern drawl and gives him pie and already treats him like family and Zimms is looking at him with googley eyes and Kent is like “this Can Not Be.”

• So he calls his teammate/west coast bestie Tater and freaks out and Tater says “I know you’re jealous but he sounds happy” and Kent is like “I am Not Jealous, I am Concerned my friends is Under A Spell.” 

• And Jack and Bitty take Kent out on the town and god, Kent wants to hate this smol blond so, so bad but Bitty’s the perfect mixture of kind and funny and caring and sweet and now Kent is Really Worried because not only will this guy replace Kent as the future Mr. Zimmermann, but what would Jack even need Kent for in his life after they get married? 

• So after three margaritas Kent makes up A Little White Lie about how- surprise!- he is also engaged. To Tater! (“I thought he was straight?” “Ha…ha…I…uh…turned him maybe?”). And Bitty goes BALLISTIC with joy and demands Tater fly out for the wedding (which is in two days! Why isn’t Kent’s Evil Plan on track?!) and Jack looks so happy for him and encouraging and Kent just keeps thinking ‘way to fucking go, Parse.’

• Kent leaves a voicemail that’s like ‘Tater-please-come-to-Rhode-Island-I-told-them-we-were-engaged-I-am-a-human-diaster-pls-Bitty-makes-pie.” 

• Anyway, I’m not going to spoil the ending of the film but the whole point of this headcanon was so Tater can fly out and he’s like “Damnit Parse, you put me through this, I get to have fun.” And when they go to the rehearsal brunch where Everyone is there, the table is like “how did you two get together!!! Tell us, Tater!!!” and Kent freezes but Tater starts talking about how after practice he heard Kent singing in the shower to oldies (“You hate oldies, Kenny.” “Not always, Zimms.”) and it was an old song and Tater joined in singing and it was Love.

• And then Holster was like “what song!” AND THIS ICONIC SCENE OCCURS. And Kent wonders if next season he can pay other people to check him so hard into the boards that he gets concussed and forgets the past two weeks of his life.