So I am sitting outside on this lovely Friday afternoon, drinking a cold beer and listening to 90′s movie soundtracks (welcome to your mid-twenties, kids) when inspiration strikes....
For your consideration: My Best Friends Wedding AU, staring Kent Parson
• So Jack and Kent go way back. They tried dating once in juniors, it was A Disaster. So they decided to be BFFs-who-still-hook-up-sometimes and luckily LA and Vegas are close to each other so they see each other a lot. They always had a pact that if they played 10 years in the NHL and hadn’t fallen for anyone else (“And both of our teams won the cup.” “I bet I win first Zimms”) then they’d get together.
• But then Jack gets traded to Providence and it’s not so easy when they are in different time zones so they talk less and hook up less and Kent gets a call one summer night after he’s been out with the Aces and of course he answers because it’s Jack and he falls off the bed and scares the living daylights out of his cat because-
• Jack’s getting married. Next week. To some baker he’s only known six months. And then they’re going to come out to everyone. And Jack wants Kent to be there
• And Kent is like “What the flippity fuck, this was NOT the plan, clearly the baker is slipping him a love potion, I must fly out to Rhode Island and Stop This.”
• But then he gets there and the baker (“Eric, but everyone calls me Bitty!”) is actually adorable?? And has this thick southern drawl and gives him pie and already treats him like family and Zimms is looking at him with googley eyes and Kent is like “this Can Not Be.”
• So he calls his teammate/west coast bestie Tater and freaks out and Tater says “I know you’re jealous but he sounds happy” and Kent is like “I am Not Jealous, I am Concerned my friends is Under A Spell.”
• And Jack and Bitty take Kent out on the town and god, Kent wants to hate this smol blond so, so bad but Bitty’s the perfect mixture of kind and funny and caring and sweet and now Kent is Really Worried because not only will this guy replace Kent as the future Mr. Zimmermann, but what would Jack even need Kent for in his life after they get married?
• So after three margaritas Kent makes up A Little White Lie about how- surprise!- he is also engaged. To Tater! (“I thought he was straight?” “Ha…ha…I…uh…turned him maybe?”). And Bitty goes BALLISTIC with joy and demands Tater fly out for the wedding (which is in two days! Why isn’t Kent’s Evil Plan on track?!) and Jack looks so happy for him and encouraging and Kent just keeps thinking ‘way to fucking go, Parse.’
• Kent leaves a voicemail that’s like ‘Tater-please-come-to-Rhode-Island-I-told-them-we-were-engaged-I-am-a-human-diaster-pls-Bitty-makes-pie.”
• Anyway, I’m not going to spoil the ending of the film but the whole point of this headcanon was so Tater can fly out and he’s like “Damnit Parse, you put me through this, I get to have fun.” And when they go to the rehearsal brunch where Everyone is there, the table is like “how did you two get together!!! Tell us, Tater!!!” and Kent freezes but Tater starts talking about how after practice he heard Kent singing in the shower to oldies (“You hate oldies, Kenny.” “Not always, Zimms.”) and it was an old song and Tater joined in singing and it was Love.
• And then Holster was like “what song!” AND THIS ICONIC SCENE OCCURS. And Kent wonders if next season he can pay other people to check him so hard into the boards that he gets concussed and forgets the past two weeks of his life.
• Thank you for your time.
