#keepscrolling

i dont know why ive chosen tumblr as my medium of experimental expression but here i am. uhhhh fun facts ab me idk know if this is going to continue or be a personal blog or whatever the fuck but im 19, i have (somehwat evidently) learned how to read, i am a - nope not doing that.

Recently I’ve been struggling with identity. I’ve tried to define what identity is and subsequently to define myself going off of that definition, and I think I’ve become attached to that potential definition. I also think that this attempt at definition has been one of the best and worst things to happen to my life in recent months. These pandemic months didn’t see me fall into a depression or a slump, but maybe it did an emptiness? I’d grown comfortable with the idea of me being one who flows with whatevers around them, be it my room for days on end or whatever else life brings me. I’d grown comfortable relating myself to a flexing willow, as easy of a comparison that is, and I think it had something to do with me having so little stress and challenge in those months and my beginnings as a stoner of sorts. I’m starting to believe that this lack of stress, stonerism, and encouragement to not leave the house for all that time combined and has left me an empty shell of the person I used to be. I want to use this as motivation to get better, to attempt to feel better by filling the void that now seems to encompass my life, but I can only grasp at the things that once made me happy, for I no longer have the energy to reach as far as I once did.

I don’t know what I’m doing in life, and I don’t know if saying or admitting these things can or will make my situation better or worse. I’m not sure if the more I repeat it the more I internalize it, but holy fuck I sure hope it doesn’t work like that. I feel like the admittance of a wrongdoing is the best course of action after a wrongdoing, as is the apology and work to fix said wrongdoing after such, but what how to I apologize to myself for the time I’ve wasted if I don’t feel like I have the energy to fix it?

I think I know who I am. I am interested in computer hardware and technology, I have an affection for videogames that seems to leave me more by the day as I continue to fall out of my old habits. I have and adore a handful of cats at each of my parents houses, and I find comfort both with other people and alone. I watch too much youtube and would consider myself more of a consumer than a creator, but I don’t like that at all. I simply don’t think I have the mind to create, whether its the dedication required to make creation habitual or the creative mind required to keep whatever I choose to create from becoming bland. Maybe I want to create and just need to give it a try (wow meta)? Or maybe I’m just some dumb adult thinking they’re a kid who needs to learn how to stop wallowing in their own mild delusions and find another hobby that doesn’t involve wasting their time.