#kazej

Kaz does, his steps loud and clunky. The sound used to reassure her. Now, she doesn’t know how to feel. In all aspects that matter, he’s the reason this happened.

She had long thought she would never kill, but it seems even she has her line. Inej cannot tear her eyes away from the dead man, the way his body is hunched over and curled. It is not her first body and yet, in many ways, it is.

“I…killed him,” she whispers. The words make it all the more real and her hands tremble. A dagger had left her hands. Her oath had been broken without a thought. Did that make it worse than doing it on purpose?

“Inej, look at me,” Kaz pleads, Kaz demands. His voice stirs her out of her reverie. When her eyes meet his, there is something akin to desperation in his expression. “You saved me.”

A life for a life. His for a stranger’s. Inej understands. She’s seen it in plenty of times before. Self-defense is a common murder weapon for Ketterdam. It is not an excuse she expected to ever wield. Kaz or the inferni, a simple choice.

If only it could be so simple.

No. Inej’s fist curls, her nails digging into her skin. No, that’s entirely wrong. It was that easy. It was all too easy. If only it weren’t that easy, if only it had been hard. The knife had flown from her hands without a second thought and even now, she knew she’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Inej doesn’t know what that makes her but she doesn’t like it.

ii.

The second time Inej kills, it is a choice. It is an inferni again and Inej wonders if she will forever associate fire with the ashes that come after.

The woman stands still in front of her, the dagger in her chest doing little to cool the inferno in her eyes. Even now, injured as she was, the inferni has a threat on her lips, a snarl deep in her throat. Her blood boils with a hatred as strong as the fires she conjures. Perhaps her brother looked like that too. He certainly had sounded like it when he’d threatened Kaz.

But looks…Inej isn’t certain what her first kill looked like. His body had been face-down, his profile hidden in shadow. She’ll never forget how still he was, how silent, how lifeless. In every way, the exact opposite of the spark burning in front of her right now.

Her hand is still on the dagger. A choice lies before her, and she doesn’t want to take it.

“I’d wait till a Healer is close by before you pull this out,” Inej suggests. She doesn’t need another ghost lingering behind her, another reminder of the line she had crossed. There are enough problems with the living without taking on the dead too.

“Suli trash,” the inferni spits out, her words covered in poison. Her eyes narrow. “I will track you down and kill everyone you love. And then.” A breath. A promise. An oath. “You.”

There’s no lie in her words. Vengeance is commonplace in the streets and alleys of Ketterdam and Inej’s lived long enough to recognize when someone means it.

She’s lived long enough to know the results of it.

Jesper. Kaz.

Perhaps there’s a way to end this bloodlessly. And if she waits long enough, she might think of one. But there’s a chance, there always will be a chance, of this all coming to bite her later and unlike Jesper, Inej doesn’t like rolling the dice.

“In that case.” Inej pauses. Her hand is still on the dagger. She cannot write away this kill, this moment. It’s not a mere reflex but a decision. Her decision. “I’ll take my knife back.”

She pulls the blade out. Her hand doesn’t tremble this time.

iii.

The third time Inej kills, it’s almost natural. A simple toss of the dagger, a momentary consideration before jumping over the line.