Tenpou: That was difficult, wasn’t it? No matter how many time I adjusted the proportions of the soy sauce and the pudding, I was not able to distill the soy sauce I’d poured onto the pudding.

Kenren: Make what you like, as long as you don’t upset your stomach. How slovenly it would seem for a Field Marshal to be locked up all day long in the toilet!

Tenpou: No worries! I’ve prepared some stomach medicine.

Kenren: You’d go that far for your cooking experiments? Why not just buy some caviar like normal people? You’re a Field Marshal after all. Your salary should be quite all right, shouldn’t it?

Tenpou: Unfortunately, I’m flat broke because I spend my salary on books. Besides, since I went to great pains to procure this peculiar collection of recipes titled “The Next Adventurer Is You”, there’s a variety of food combinations I’d like to try.

Kenren: Hah, so that’s how it is.

Tenpou: Yes, that’s how it is. All right, here goes. I’m adding lots of fermented squid paste to the yogurt....

Kenren: Hmm, it does not look very appetizing.

Tenpou: Well, you won’t know whether it’s delicious or not unless you try eating it. (eats up the unholy mix)

Kenren: How is it?

Tenpou: It’s... not great. Or rather, if I speak further, it’ll come out–

Kenren: I told you so. Here, wash it down with some water.

Tenpou: Thank you. Ah, I probably used too much yogurt. I’ll try again with less yogurt.

Kenren: Are you still at it?! Quit it already. I mean, why don’t we just have some drinks as usual?

Tenpou: What are you saying? Our drinking party has already begun.

Kenren: It already has? Where are the drinking snacks?

Tenpou: This here is the snack – the fermented squid paste.

Kenren: That’s the paste you’ve just mixed with the yogurt!

Tenpou: Don’t hold back.

Kenren: I’m not holding back!

(Someone knocks on the door.)

Tenpou: Yes?

Konzen: It’s me. I’m coming in.

Tenpou: It’s rare for you to visit at this time of the day, Konzen. What’s the matter?

Konzen: I’m here to return a book I borrowed. Are you two having an evening drink?

Tenpou: Yes, we are. Isn’t it obvious just by looking?

Kenren: It’s because he couldn’t tell just by looking that he had to ask.... Anyway, you’ve come at the right time. Why not have a drink together once in a while, Konzen? Have a seat!

Tenpou: How about some fermented squid paste as well?

Konzen: Is this even edible?

Kenren: Give it a pass. You’ll just upset your stomach otherwise.

Konzen: I know just by looking at it. I don’t need you to tell me that. (sits down)

Tenpou (pours Konzen a drink): There you go – a full glass to begin with.

Konzen (gulps his drink): Actually, aside from returning the book, I came here for some advice.

Kenren: About what? That’s quite rare coming from you.

Konzen: I didn’t think you’d be here too.

Kenren: Two heads are better than one, you know.

Konzen: It’s about Goku.

Tenpou: What about him?

Konzen: Aside from Nataku, there are no kids his age in Heaven. That’s why he’s always playing by himself – how should I put it –

Kenren: Ah, so Daddy is worried that Goku’s feeling lonely.

Konzen: Who’re you calling Daddy?

Tenpou: If that’s the case, why don’t you play with him yourself, Konzen?

Konzen: I tried keeping him company once. The next day, my muscles hurt so much that I could not move.

Kenren: Ah. Well, it’s certainly tough for Konzen to keep up with such an energetic, care-free companion.

Tenpou: Still, a kid’s education is outside of our area of expertise. At times like this, we’ll have to rely on books. Ah, it should be around here–

Kenren: Oi, don’t pull out the books with that much force! They’ll fall down on you again!

Tenpou: I’ll be fine. I’ll just move these out of the way– ah!

(Sound of books falling down.)

Tenpou: Just pretend you didn’t see that.

Konzen: Is it always like that with him?

Kenren: Yeah. It got so extreme that at one point, as soon as I opened the door, books just slid out like an avalanche.

Tenpou: Let me see... I’ve got it. This is the book I was looking for.

Konzen: Hmm? ‘Club Memory’?

Kenren: What sort of book is that?

Tenpou: It’s a popular magazine in the mortal realm filled with useful information about child rearing.

Kenren: Why do you have such a thing in your possession?

Tenpou: Chance favors the prepared mind. [Lit.: Those who are prepared avoid grief.] (flips through the pages and reads out the contents) Children’s games can be categorized into two types: outdoor games and indoor ones. Goku usually prefers outside activities such as climbing trees or playing tag. So how about letting him play indoor games for a change?

Konzen: Indoor games?

Tenpou: Paper folding, cat’s cradle, puzzles– ah, what about something like this? It’s called ‘playing house.’

Kenren: ‘Playing house’? What’s that?

Tenpou: It’s a game that is good for cultivating sensibility in children. It instills vocabulary and teaches them how to use daily items.

Kenren: Eh, it sounds perfect for Goku.

Tenpou: Besides, Goku has hardly played with anyone indoors. I think he will enjoy this.

Kenren: Well, it certainly doesn’t sound like a game for which one would need to use physical strength. How about giving it a try for once?

Konzen: But I don’t know how to play this game.

Tenpou: Don’t worry about that. Since I happen to be off duty tomorrow, I’ll be there to teach you.

Kenren: I don’t have anything planned in particular tomorrow either, so I’ll come along.

Konzen: Fine with me.

Kenren: By the way, what else is in that magazine? It looks very bulky....

Tenpou: Hmm. ‘A Complete Walkthrough for Struggling Mothers,’ ‘How to Compose a Perfect Email Response,’ ‘Methods for Taking Pictures that Will Net a Large Amount of Likes on Your Blog,’ ‘A Compilation of Games in the Park’ – and so forth.

Konzen: You’ve lost me entirely.

Tenpou: No matter in which era, child-rearing is a tough job for mothers, isn’t it?

Kenren: From whose standpoint are you speaking?

--------

Goku: Hey Konzen, why can’t I go outside to play today?

Konzen: Never mind that. Just shut up and sit down.

Goku: That’s boring! I want to play!

Konzen: You’re noisy! I told you to be quiet and wait, didn’t I?

Goku: Eh?!

(The door opens.)

Kenren: Oh, you’re as lively as ever today. I’m coming in.

Tenpou: Pardon the intrusion.

Goku: Ken nii-chan! Ten-chan!

Konzen: You guys are late!

Kenren: Sorry. It took Tenpou a while to wake up.

Tenpou: My bad for staying up all night yesterday....

Kenren: Didn’t we end our drinking party earlier than usual last night? Ah, could it be that you stayed up reading again?

(Tenpou laughs sheepishly.)

Goku: What’s the matter, you two?

Kenren: We just thought we’d come play with you, Goku.

Goku: Really! What should we play? Baseball? Hide-and-seek?

Tenpou: Baseball and hide-and-seek are fun too, but shall we try a different game today?

Kenren: Together with Konzen too, okay?

Goku: Eh? Konzen too? Really?

Konzen: Yes.

Goku: Yay! So, what are we gonna play?

Tenpou: Let’s play house.

Goku: ‘Play house’? What’s that?

Konzen: All right! Seems like he’s never played it before.

Kenren: Seems so.

Goku: Hey, what’s ‘play house’?

Tenpou: It’s a pretend play, Goku. The players take on the roles of the father, the mother or the children.

Goku: Hmm... I see.

Kenren: Oh, you already understand how it’s played, Goku?

Goku: Not really, but it sounds interesting.

Kenren (chuckles): So you don’t really understand. Well, let’s try it for once, shall we?

Tenpou: Indeed. First, let’s decide on our roles. It’s based on my arbitrary judgment and bias, but Goku should–

Goku: I want to be the Meat Bun Man!

Tenpou: –play the role of the mother.

Goku: I’m the mother?

Tenpou: As for the role of the father, I’ll let Konzen do the honors.

Konzen: Hah? Why me?

Tenpou: Don’t you want to make Goku happy?

(Konzen mumbles unintelligibly.)

Kenren: What about me?

Tenpou: You’ll play the son.

Goku: Ken nii-chan is my son? Then, that means I’m more important than him? Yay!

Kenren (in a low voice): Seriously?

Tenpou: I’ll be the narrator and monitor the progress, okay?

Kenren: Monitor the progress? Aren’t we just going to play as we like based on our assigned roles?

Tenpou: The three of you are beginners at playing house. If you play as you like, you’re unlikely to reach the proper conclusion. ** For this reason, I’ve prepared this.

Konzen: What’s that?

Tenpou: It’s the script. It contains the character descriptions and the storyline I’ve created for today’s game.

Kenren: That’s the reason you stayed up all night....

Tenpou: This time, let’s play by following along this script!

Goku: All right!

Tenpou: Ah, as for you, you don’t have to follow along the script, Goku.

Goku: Eh? Is that okay?

Tenpou: Yes. Since the purpose of playing house is for children to learn various things via practice, please play as you like.

Goku: I don’t really get it, but okay!

Kenren: I guess it’s more fun that way.

Konzen: Indeed.

--------

Tenpou: Once, there was a pretty ordinary family of consisting of a father, a mother and a son. The son’s name was Kenren. However, their happiness did not last long. The father and the mother got divorced. The father got the custody of Kenren. Afterward, the father remarried. The new wife was more than twenty years younger than him. Kenren and his stepmother were not related by blood–

Kenren and Konzen: Hold on for a second!

Tenpou: Yes?

Konzen: Which part of such a scenario is conducive for cultivating sensibility?

Kenren: Doesn’t it sound like some trendy daytime soap? Wouldn’t it be better to just stick to a simpler scenario?

Tenpou: What are you two saying? The fun of playing house depends on how well-crafted the scenario is. By the way, the father works at a brokerage firm. This year is his twentieth year of continuous employment there. A straight-laced veteran.

Kenren: ‘Straight-laced’ does describe Konzen in real life.

Konzen: Oi!

Goku: Hey, what’s the matter? Hurry up and continue!

Tenpou: All right, all right. You two, Goku is getting bored, so I’ll carry on.

(Kenren and Konzen gasp in frustration.)

Tenpou (clears his throat): The stepmother is young but hardworking. She performs the housework all by herself. At the moment, she is doing the laundry.

Goku: Er, laundry? All I have to do is soak the clothes in water and hang them out to dry, right? Eh... there are no clothes here, so would it be fine if I soak these documents instead?

Konzen: How could that be fine, stupid monkey! (hits Goku)

Goku: That hurts! This is DVD!

Tenpou: Close, but not quite right. The correct term is DV – domestic violence, Goku.

Kenren: Where did he pick up such a word?

Goku: Ten-chan taught me a lot of words the other day.

Konzen: You teach him nothing but nonsense.

Tenpou: Uh, according to the script, while Goku is doing the laundry, the son comes home. This is supposed to result in an uneasy tension between the son and the stepmother who are not related by blood.

Kenren: Uneasy tension? What do you intend to make us do here?

Tenpou: I want to show the typical behavior of a child in his rebellious phase. Whatever Goku says to Kenren falls on deaf ears.

Kenren: Why such an unpleasant atmosphere? Why not just have the son and the stepmother get along with each other?

Tenpou: If the stepson and the second wife were to get along, the flow of the story I came up with would end up ruined. (sighs) It can’t be helped. Well then, let’s skip the afternoon scene and go straight to the basic element of playing house: the scene in which the family sit down together for dinner.

Konzen: You should’ve done that from the start!

Tenpou: It appears to be a usual family dinner until the father, Konzen, announces his decision to quit his job.

Kenren and Konzen: Oi!

Goku: Eh? Konzen is quitting his job?

Konzen: Don’t narrate the story as if I’m actually quitting my job! Tenpou!

Tenpou: Since this is our first time playing house, I think it would be better if an incident is to occur.

Kenren: Is playing house really like this?

Goku: So, if Konzen quits, what is going to happen?

Tenpou: There, Konzen. At any rate, please continue playing. Your lines are written in the script.

Konzen: Really! (flips through the pages) “Today, I submitted my letter of resignation at my workplace.”

Kenren: “Hah?”

Goku: Letter of resignation?

Konzen: “I have something else I wish to do. That is why I quit my job. No matter what your objection is at this point in time, my decision will remain unchanged.”

Kenren: “Well, I’ve yet to voice out any complaint, but what is this thing that you wish to do?”

Konzen: “Ra–”

Goku: Ra–?

Konzen: “Ramen restaurant. I’ll open a ramen restaurant.”

(The door opens.)

Kanzeon: That’s the first time I hear of you wanting to open a ramen restaurant.

Konzen: Eeek!

Goku: Ah!

Tenpou: Kanzeon Bosatsu!

Kenren: Another unbelievable turn of the situation....

Kanzeon: What are you four doing gathering around here in silence?

Tenpou: We’re playing house for the sake of cultivating Goku’s sensibility. Konzen is the father, Goku is the mother, Kenren is the son and I’m the narrator. By the way, in the scenario we’re playing, the mother and the son is not related by blood.  

Kenren: We’re not making much progress, though, thanks to the script being full of absurdities.

Kanzeon: Sounds interesting. I’ll join.

Konzen: Hah? What are you saying, shitty hag?

Goku: You’ll play with us? Yay!

Kenren: But... is there any role left?

Tenpou: We could have hir play the former wife.

Kanzeon: Hmm, Konzen’s ex? All right, I’ll take it.

Konzen: I have a bad feeling about this.

Tenpou: Well then, let’s pick up where we left off.

Kenren (clears his throat): “What were you thinking, quitting your job all of a sudden?”

Goku: If we run a ramen restaurant, I can eat as much ramen as I want! I agree with Konzen’s decision!

Kenren: “I object! We’re talking about a guy who doesn’t even cook. No way he would be able to successfully run a ramen restaurant!”

Goku: Oh, it’s true that the ramen Konzen makes is not very delicious....

Konzen: “We can just serve cup instant ramen.”

Goku: Aha, that’s right!

Kenren: “What sort of ramen restaurant would that be?”

Kanzeon: “You guys haven’t changed at all.”

Kenren: “Mo– mother!” (to himself) I had a hard time with this line.... **

Konzen: “You, how dare you show up here!”

Goku: “Welcome!”

Kanzeon: “Once again, you’ve picked a type that is totally different from me.”

Konzen: “After all this time, what is your reason for coming here?”

Kanzeon: “I’ve come here to take Kenren with me.”

Kenren: “Hah?”

Goku: “Never! Ken nii-chan is a precious member of this family. Don’t just take him away as you please!”

Kanzeon: “It’s better for a child to be with his biological mother. Isn’t it, Kenren?”

Kenren: “Actually, I’m fine with the way things are now.”

Goku: “No, no! Ken nii-chan is my child!”

Konzen (sighs and mutters to himself): What’s this farce?

Tenpou: “Wait a minute!”

Kenren: Hah? T–tenpou?

Kanzeon: Who the hell are you?

Tenpou: “How heartless of you, section manager Konzen! You told me I was the only one, but you’re actually married. And not for the first time either!”

Goku: Eh? Eh? What’s going on here? Is Ten-chan also Konzen’s wife?

Kenren: The ex-wife, the current wife and the mistress.... You’ve really come up with a hackneyed scenario straight out of a daytime soap.

Konzen: Er, Tenpou, don’t you think we’ve had enough–

Tenpou: “You deceived me! You’re the worst! I mean, what’s so great about this middle-aged woman here? What a bad taste she has in fashion, too!”

(The door opens.)

Jiroushin: Pardon my intrusion. Is Kanzeon Bosatsu here–

Kanzeon: “What are you going to say next? Don’t think of bragging of your conquest, husband-stealer!”

Tenpou: “You’re the one to talk! Don’t you feel embarrassed wearing such a revealing dress at your age?”

Kanzeon: “Heh. Aren’t you just jealous of my figure?”

Tenpou: “What did you just say? I’m not jealous! My complexion is smoother than yours!”

Kenren: What impressive ad-libs.... (to Konzen) Hey, what are you gonna do, “husband”?

Konzen: Who are you calling “husband”? How would I know?

Jiroushin: Er–

Kanzeon: Ah, Jiroushin. What’s the matter?

Jiroushin: What are you doing?

Kanzeon: Playing house.

Jiroushin: Playing house? What is that? Well, never mind. Kanzeon Bosatsu, you need to return to your office.

Kanzeon: Come on, why not let me stay here for just a bit more–

Jiroushin: I can’t do that! Documents that have passed the deadlines are piling up. If you neglect them any further, we’ll receive complaints from the various departments–

Kanzeon: Tch. It can’t be helped, then. Well, I’ve had my fun killing time, so I’ll go back now. See you guys later.

Goku: Bye-bye!

(The door creaks as Kanzeon and Jiroushin leave.)

Kenren: Uh–

(Konzen sighs.)

Tenpou: That was exciting, wasn’t it?

Kenren: Well, it was exciting indeed, but it wasn’t educational at all, was it?

Konzen: Not at all.

Kenren: Sorry that things turned out like this, Goku. Let’s go play baseball outside, shall we?

Goku: I don’t really understand what has happened, but it’s been a long time since I last got to play with Konzen. Also, I got to play with the two of you too, so it was a lot of fun for me!

Tenpou: Goku....

Kenren: That’s what he said, “Daddy”.

Konzen: Tch.

Goku: Moreover, playing house was fun too.

Tenpou: Was it? Then, let’s redo the scenario for next time.  We’ll go with “The Field Marshall Saw It All: The Hidden Secret Behind the General’s Grand Life”–

Kenren and Konzen: Forget it!

--------