#journal post

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Defining Polykin as a term is relatively easy & agreed upon across most communities who use it.

To be Polykin is to be someone who has multiple kintypes; whether it is spiritual or psychological (or some other secret thing); whether the type is fictional, mythical, or based in science; whether types combine or remain separate; whether there are 2-3 or 50+ kins present, Polykin as a word rarely changes in its interpretation or meaning to people.

The most “wobbly” part of the Polykin definition for some users is how permanent a kintype must be to be considered a true kintype as opposed to something like a Cameo Shift or Flicker. But even then- this isn’t a regular issue across all Polykin folk.

Defining Polymorph however, through an Otherkin lens, has proven to be more difficult.

Within Otherkindity, Polymorphs seem to be a rarely discussed concept outside of their own spaces. And even within their own spaces- what exactly being a polymorph means seems to vary a bit. With varying types of Polymorphs existing & other similar concepts brushing alongside it

When searching for the term i’ve found very little discussing them in depth. With the easiest compact form of polymorph terms being here on tumblr. I’ve read a list of polymorph’s personal accounts, tried finding old forum posts, and skimmed through the depths of a few social sites trying to find any easy or clear resources. From my understanding- being a Polymorph to most folk is to have multiple kintypes SPECIFICALLY through the means of transformation or “mirroring”, specifically as a polymorphic being.

To be a Polymorph is to be a creature or entity who can transform, change, or mirror what’s around them; and further, to be a creature or entity who is (usually) capable of these changes forever- with no form necessarily having to be permanent. (Though “base forms” & “true forms” have been sited for many Polymorphs I’ve seen)

To be a polymorph is to also BE a polymorph, it is often described as its own individual sort of creature or being- the label is not exactly synonymous to the term “shapeshifter”. (Though polymorphs do seem to hold the ability to shapeshift)

So brief recap

Polykin: having multiple kintypes

Polymorph: to be a polymorph & take on different forms via transformation or mirroring

I bring these 2 words up because their definitions & how they both work within the otherkin community are relevant to myself and a current issue I face. That issue being: my own fluidity within my alterhumanity- and a lack of familiarity in this community because of that.

Where having multiple Kintypes is semi-regularly discussed- the labels or identities embodying change and variation often aren’t discussed. And that creates issues both for folks like me & those that aren’t.

Furthermore, I dont find either of these words truly reflecting my experience on a baseline. And thats created a bit of an identity issue for me.

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“Identity Issue” for myself purely in the sense that if I want a way to describe my experience, I have to describe my experience.

I have to say: I experience a wide variety of kintypes with varying levels of frequency, meanings, and purposes in my life; these kintypes can & often do come and go as I age because my polykindity is tethered to my own personal change at a baseline. My personal changes make me prone to concepts like mirroring, cameo shifts, & flickers. None of these kins are me shapeshifting (unless the individual kin is a shapeshifter); they are all just me. I can just be a lot of different things, I am a lot of different things & even if a kintype is no longer “active”- when I see pictures or return to certain medias that I have kintypes in- I recognize those pictures as me. In the same way people recognize childhood photos as them. I am many many things, and I will always be. Though I am not Omnikin & my kintypes are not headmates or their own plural states of mind (as far as i know)

Explaining all of that (and getting everything I didn’t explain), every time I want to say something about me- is hard. It’s long winded. I dont mind being a conversation piece, but not everyone has time for a conversation on top of another conversation.

Obviously, being Polykin still applies with what I describe. I still do simply have multiple kintypes. But I cannot simply say I am Polykin & that accurately capture what occurs.

There is an unspoken assumption about Polykin, where if you describe something as a kintype- it is an active & present kintype in some way.

That doesn’t work for me; as I described- i have past kintypes that are still me, but aren’t necessarily “active” or who I am in my life now. I wouldn’t describe them as dormant, and I dislike having to describe them as kintypes i “used to” have. They’re still me afterall, they’re just not all of who I am presently.

I also find that I can’t describe myself as a polymorph as I am not a specific creature that is changing or taking on numerous forms; I just am numerous things. Or in other words, i do not consider my experience to be shapeshifting or transforming- I just consider it all to be me, looking differently & being differently over and over again.

Because of this— there’s a language gap between my experience as a person & my ability to connect with the communities that help me feel more like a person.

And that hurts, it sucks. And I wish I could find a word that already exists for the experience I have, cause I know im not the only person who experiences this. It is highly unrealistic with how many Polykin there are.

But I cant find a word that accurately, or even semi accurately, describes what I am beyond the vagueness of polykin. Both polykin & polymorph apply to me in different ways, but saying im only polykin has begun to feel dishonest or inaccurate. Polymorph by comparison more so just hold concepts I feel apply to me (such as mirroring). But neither capture the nature of change or permanence that i experience according to how both words are commonly used & intended.

Ive been looking around the internet for a few weeks at the time of posting this, and it’s getting to a point where I’m considering coining a new sublabel just to have something.

But I’ve come up to another problem whether I do or don’t coin a word; I still don’t have a means to connect with my community beyond a surface level. Im not sure I necessarily “fit in” with the scene here, even if I do make a “simple” word to help understand me better

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In my mind, I’ve been looking at my polykindity sort of like a stained glass window. Where all of my kintypes are a piece of stained glass, all steadily building an image that is me. The image isn’t complete yet, cause i’m still alive & growing, but they’re all coming together to form what I am. Some pieces of glass are bigger, some are smaller, some pieces are more centralized than others; but they are all still pieces that have to be added to complete the window. Additionally, the image my window is forming isn’t very clear or easy to read- but I don’t really mind that.

And that is a nice & cute simile-

Most of this community isn’t made up of other stained glass windows still being built.

If someone is a collection of many pieces or parts- they tend to still form some sort of “image” of what they are. Or simply put: most people have a “singularity” they can identify with on a personal level.

“Singularity” as in a theme, a strong sense of self, something to be identified as, an icon, an animal, a something. Most people have “their thing” that they can be recognized for.

Now, saying that- I want to note that I do understand most people are in a state of change. I understand that change is natural & that despite what modern media may imply- the vast majority of the world’s population DOES experience regular change. My issue is more that the rate at which I change- how much I vary, flicker, mirror etc.- it sets me apart from the average person in a way that is alienating. I have to purposefully latch on to what few consistencies I have within my identity to feel I have one at all; but these consistencies are often vague, malleable, and work better as concepts as to opposed specific traits.

I do not have a solid identity in the way most of the world does; I do not have a split identity in a way that functions as plurality; I just am a varying and changing person.

So I know I’m not entirely seeped in “delusion” when I say most people have “their thing”. And “their thing” is semi-consistent, it stays with them.

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Within alterhuman spaces, someone’s “thing” is obviously their kinship to something.

Wolves are Wolves. Frogs are Frogs. Dragons are Dragons. Etc etc. These things may vary & have their own quirks, their own struggles, and their own unique existing issues- but the point still stands; they are usually able to be put into a singularity.

I find that even within polykindity, most of us have a “main” kintype or a few main kintypes to be associated with. Something easy to bond with or start conversations over, something to be at the forefront of a mind more regularly than not.

And thats not a bad thing of course, it’s just how many people tend to exist in this modern era.

But I cant find myself feeling the same. I just don’t match up on that front. Im not consistent, i shift around a lot, my identity spins freely like a choice wheel and there is a vast collection of things it could stop on.

And interms of function, i don’t mind how I am! I love me and I love how I work; I love being something and someone who’s capable of change. I dont want that to stop or be different.

But me loving myself doesn’t mean it’s not lonely.

And me loving myself doesn’t mean that the community around me is particularly warm or welcoming; even prior to me actually joining.

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Growing up, I had been exposed to glimpses of the Otherkin & Therian communities; ofc primarily through passing posts, art, and memes- but I had been exposed.

And it, like many other communities I found, still had this idea of a singularity or “your thing”. However, unlike other spaces- this desire for a singularity was incredibly potent in Otherkin & Therian spaces (to put it nicely)

Even with the faintest glimpses into the community, I could see that people who didn’t have JUST one kintype were less than not welcomed; they were mocked, devalued, and often assumed fake or unreal; a poser, a “pick me”, whatever you want to call it-

People like me weren’t welcomed & didn’t belong.

So I didn’t end up joining the community when I was 12 or 13, I didn’t grow up comprehending that there were others like me; I spent so much of my youth being horribly alone and closeted and bitter in numerous ways.

I only ended up joining later, at 22, cause I got curious about the scene after seeing discussion on the definition of “Therian”.

And now im here alongside many other lovely polykin & generally much more accepting people. And thats great! The community has been growing & changing for the better, steadily and surely.

Except I still don’t match up. I don’t quite meet the typical nature of a polykin or polymorph. I don’t quite have a word for what I am or how i exist- and I’m still in a community, or I guess rather in a modern society, that values having yourself all figured out & having a singularity to show yourself as.

It’s still a community where I don’t see others who are like me beyond a very surface level- because people don’t often account for a dragon being a dog or a cat being a unicorn. This community, and current modern society, hasn’t really grown to accept the little kid I used to be; me not knowing “what I am” as a singularity still isn’t regular.

The growing acceptance of people like me isn’t the acceptance of those that are a stained glass window still being built- it’s the acceptance that “you’re not done now, but you will be someday, right?”

It’s more often hoping from others that someday I’ll have me all figured out & have my own singularity.

And that’s a terribly difficult fate.

Cause I don’t know if I ever will have a singularity; I think im “cursed” to be a multitude forever.

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I started this discussion & journal draft with the idea that I might be able to propose solutions to this problem I have. That maybe if I talked this out & started to try and help people understand- the community could keep in mind another change that needed to be kept for the future.

But I wrote, deleted, rewrote, rethought, and completely flipped this initial discussion inside out multiple times before ultimately getting here. Over a month of self reflection and pondering on this specific post and all I can really say is that im not sure what to do about this issue.

It truly is something more to do with modern society than it is any specific community. And alongside that- it is so wildly niche & personal & a non issue overall in comparison to other things- it’s not going to take up the forefront of anyone’s mind or conversation; it can be simplified down to “I feel lonely” and then be left there. But I have BPD, so I sort of almost always feel lonely. So maybe it’s a me problem, afterall I’ve never seen another person talk about this in any community despite frequenting the internet since about age 13.

And that’s a sort of horrifying thought.

So for now, i think the only thing I can do is coin a new word that hardly anyone will use- maybe make it language malleable so that I can reach further than English to find someone else a little more like me.

But otherwise, I think I just have to keep digging to try to connect and find people.

I think that’s all most people can do in this situation

Im tired of thinking about it and rewriting this monster of a concept for myself; I sort of just want to throw this smelly draft out into the community just to get it done. Maybe after more reflection & future discussions I’ll have a better way to write it all again & find better solutions

But despite all of the conflict & bittersweet reflection- I do come out on top of this knowing for sure that I love me.

And I will always love me.

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First & fourth grey seal images snatched from here, still gathering what specific photographers listed in credits did what

Second image credit to Lucy Ray/Starfish Underwater Photography

Third image credit to David Alpert