#jouranl

The idea of losing you paralyzes me. I think about the future and I know that one of us has to go first. Who will it be? Will we be tragically young widowers? Or will death cleave us when we're both old, grizzled, and bitter men?

There are so many times I think about being alone and say to myself, "Who will understand me like him? Who will look at me and just know me like he does? Who will love me then?"

You wrote the instruction manual on me. You cracked the code to my physiological and emotional processes. You know me even when I hide from you. And you, you still love me.

Hundreds of thoughts swirling around

After looking at penmanship porn yesterday, I really want to make an effort to have better and more legible writing or penmanship. this 1.0 pen doesn’t help anything, but I should be able to do better even with this. Maybe look up how to do architecture style writing. I’m down to work on it! Got a lot done at work today. Felt good. I need to do that more often! I think I will. Lunch with Bridget want well. Nulling. I am nulling to lego. I’m kind of not liking it, but I think it’s because I’m just taking it apart. It’ll get better. Man, it probably took like an hour to get this lego se apart. but it’s wash time!!! I wish I had someone here. A girlfriend to be more exact. I just want to be close to someone. I want to hold and kiss someone. I want them to happy to see me. or at least feel that way. It’ll happen. I don’t think it will with anyone I know now. I’m just going to lay low for a while and chill. Exercise and eat healthy. I’m excited my pa is coming over in the morning. Get that table and BBQ all cleaned up and ready to go. Then tomorrow I’ll get that room set up!

Picture from this day

There’s so much anger

I can taste it in my mouth

The adrenaline is really going now

I can feel it coursing through my veins

I look calm on the outside

But inside I’m going insane

I clenched my fists

And hit as hard as I can

Not just once or twice

But over and over again

When I finally stop

I wash the blood off my hands

I take a deep breath

Reminding myself this wasn’t the plan

I look in the mirror

I can’t focus

But I know what I see

Staring back is the darkness