Journal - Friday, January 4th, 2019
As of right now there is 119 blank days. When I decided to fill this on 11/30 I had 32 days to fill up 180 days. In 35 days I fill up 61 days which isnāt bad. I have till the end of Sunday to fill up as much as possible, then Iām retiring this journal. Letās get it under 100. 3 days to fill up 20 days. That about 6 a day or 7. I can do it! Then it will be about 72% full. Not too shabby for missing almost half the days at the start of November. Next year is going to be so much better. Iāll do this Planner thing and a page in the new journal along with getting the others filled as well. I think those Nikes are done and itās time to get some new shoes. My left foot hurts this morning for no apparent reason and it sucks. It has to be because of the shoes? Iām going to wear my NBs today and see that makes a difference. Maybe, Maybe not, but itās worth a shot. It could be that my feet are trying to have an arch cause I walk around bare foot at home a lot. That would be sweet, I will start to incorporate the feet exercises in my lifting routine and that should help a bunch. Weāll see!
Good day at work today. Got a lot done on that Rage Wine job. Probably will finish it up on Monday. No Problemo. Went to lunch with Skylar, she definitely talks a lot. I feel she doesnāt really have anyone to talk to really, or just being around her folks just had gotten old. I do hope she is able to her her own place soon. She will be a lot happier and her folds will be a lot happier as well. Especially Neal. Well, Iām oging to delete FB today. Iām over it after this workout. Iām ogoing to get all the info off there that I need and be gone! Iām ready. Iāll share my music in other ways. FB isnāt the only way to promote. Whatever. I donāt care. Iām over it. Iāll form a jazz band or something. Or just write and record music. Make videos for everything? Whatever. Iām done trying to impress people or be āfriendsā these people donāt care. Or maybe I donāt care. More that likely. But I do like these people. I just feel Iām ready to move on. Get my priorities straight again. Maybe coming back just was a bad idea. Thatās not true, I just have to take it a day at a time.Ā
Iām finishing this month tonight. So, letās see who I had a crush on since Iāve been back. I think fist might have been Kristina Kelley. Still kind of do. I still remember being at Brooklyn Bowl and finding out she had a boyfriend. I feel it wouldnāt work out. Then Jenna - which is over at this point. I canāt ( I can) believe I talked to her hammered. I donāt even remember what she said or really what I said. So to keep it from getting awkward I treat her like any other friend. Nover ācrushedā on Bridget, just always wondered if there was anything there. But I really donāt think so. I feel if there was it would have happened in Japan. Definitely had some feelings for Lyn. But that would never work. Maybe if she didnāt have kids. Her kids are great, but it's not something I want. So, itās okay. I could have been better about it, but I just donāt want to deal with it. Plus she lives in a different country. I want someone here. Right now, I donāt want anyone. I need to get myself back on track before getting into a relationship.Ā
Then thereās Luna. But Iāve written enough in here about her and donāt have much more to say. I never took a shot and lost my chance. One click away from deleting FB. If i hit this button it is the last time I am logging in. I donāt need it. I donāt want it. The people that need to get a hold of me have my number. Itās gone. And I already feel better. I donāt think anyone will notice for a while if at all. Iām probably not going to that show tonight. Unless Tsvet hits me up or James, you know what I mean. Definitely attracted to Vivian, but I feel she isn'tā the right personality for me. I feel a lof of things. Iāll. I f I go to the show tonight, I will end up drinking and smoking and I really do not want to do that. Plus, I would spend money, even if I didnāt drink itās like at least $5 in gas. But I I do go. I will be able to socialize a little with the same people
Ā I see all the time. Not all the time, but still. I get super socially awkward if Iām sober. It sucks. Itās like I forgot how to be myself.
I hope Neal isnāt. Doesnāt get his feeling hurt about the gym thing. Iāll wait till I have Mona. Heāll understand then. Itās just so easy to not be sober. I donāt know why I just canāt be sober. Is there any benefit to smoking weed or drinking tonight. Proās - The weed will make me relax more. I feel the music more when I play and just enjoy playing. I trying to justify getting high. Itās not really a bad thing. Iām just trying - 8/8 - to figure out why I feel the need to not do these things. Well drinking is easy to figure out. I want to lose weight and drinking is completely against losing weight. At least for how I like to drink. I just enjoy having a buzz or being high. Lately Iāve been getting upset with myself when I drink too much. Just cause I know I need to stop doing it. Not completely and not stop forever, but I need a break right now. Iām done till I get to 175. I will be under 200 by February. Itāll be easy. Iām okay with smoking weed as long as it is not on work nights. Just makes me so groggy.Ā
You said a lot of things. You said a lot of things.
I know I said a lot of things. I said a lot of things.Ā
Iām faking my own death
I know I thought of everything. I thought of everything
Oh man, I saw a lotta things
I should write this in the new journal and just know the songs. I wonder if this is any easier not really I just need to relax.
I should have stayed home. I went because I knew I would drink. I decided it on my before I left.Ā
Okay, so I got drunk. Guess what. It'sā probably going to happen tomorrow night. So deal with it.