weekend sabo

Well, Jazzy’s is closed down. I was kind of excited to go and check it out. I do kind of remember it, but not really. Oh well. I remember it the best I can I guess. I do feel odd writing in a journal at a bar, but this bloody mary is delicious breakfast is good as well. Gwery. I don’t know. Some place is St. George. Really solid eggs, sausage, bacon, biscuits and gravy and hashbrowns. REally, I do wonder how old the bartender is. Probably a little older than me. Thirty five or thirty sixish. Either way, I’m not sure. Oh well. She’s cute. Well, not sure, but maybe I’ll go check out a brewery or two before hitting up Purgatory. I know it’s going to be a hip place, but I’ll get there early to be able ot get a spot at the bar and chill there most of the night. Get there around 7ish should be good. I’m going to try and be social tonight. We’ll see. I’ll probably do what I did at washed out and just keep to myself. It was still a good night. Should have went and talked to Kaylee. Jaylie. Would have been a fun conversation for sure. Og well. We’ll see how I feel later. Right now I’m down, but I’ll probably be she when the time comes. But I can almost guarantee it’ll be good. 

Cont. on 1/18

Do you ever feel those perfect moments and wish someone was there. I’m laying here and I just wish they felt what I felt and saw what I see. And holds your hand. It’s all I’ll ever hold on to. It is the way you won’t or I won’t. I want to look into you eyes and never. How do I feel. I feel like I’m happy. I came home, I just wish I wasn’t alone. I’m ok and I lay naked and just cuddle the sheets. It’s almost like It’s almost like 

I should have brought that tequila

I forgot what I was supposed to write down.

I have technically 2 minutes to finish this or else it isn’t true. It’s so crazy how hard this is to write in here. I’m not doing anything tonight.

Welcome to your new planner. I’m very pleased with this one I found at Target. Speaking of target. I ran into Rita. It was a nice brief surprise. She lives close to that target. By also they didn't have any boots that I liked. I’ll have to wait and check out some online stuff. Maybe check out r/mensfashion or something. I’m do to spend like $100 on some nice boots. It’ll be worth it to have a nice pair. Especially if I really do intend on getting a motorcycle soon. I’ll find some that fit my style. Dinner should be good tonight. I’ll head up the meatballs I made on Monday and cook up some of those brussel sprouts. It’ll be good. I wish I had a cool writing style. I think If I just slow down and take my time. I’ll get better. Maybe pen would be better. I think If I just take my time to write every letter, it will get a lot neater. I’ll give it a try. It is a lot easier on the wrist and had for sure. I’m going to do good this year. I have to. There no more excuses or just not worrying about it. I would most of the time just know I shouldn’t be doing something. Eating or drinking or not exercising. I just have to stop doing that. Right now. Once and for all! Except for tonight since I’m already high. 

Cont. on ⅛

This planner has way more lines that last years. It’ll be good to have a little extra room. Bar bell rows with tough. I’m only at 80lbs, but it feels like a lot. My form is getting better I feel. I do need to stretch more. It’ll help everything so much. Just hardly ever thing about it and when I do I just don’t do it. It’s all come to the point I don’t have to it. I want it though. I have to always remember what I want. I know hat I want and I’m the only on that can make that happen. I always forget that I need to not have to back track in here cause with the pencil it smears. It’s no to bad but I do want to read this later. I really do enjoy working out. It always made me feel better. Ride you BIKE! I need to build up my stamina back up! I gotta get Dugan on my spotify in a minute. I want a tortilla press so bad! I should find a nice wood one maybe. Time to learn. I should be able to play this tonight. I feel it’s not too hard. I’ll get it down by Sunday for sure. Or at east most of the way. I’ll ask if he has another song once I get through its song OBVIOUSLY by The Strokes.

Definitely should have stayed home last night. The bands were cool and seeing Natalie was cool, but all in all it was not worth the hassle. I ended up drinking 5 beers. $7 at the door, $6 for the first beer and $3 for the next 4. $18 plus $7 + $25 then tipped $6. Unnecessary $31 spent. Plus, I was so committed to not drinking and I didn’t even say no. I bartered that I would just have 2. Knowing fully that I was going to drink more. I just always want to over consume! I seriously have a drinking problem and guess what?

Cont. on 8/2

I’m going to drink tonight. Unfortunately I’m only letting myself down. Fortunately I’m used to it so it’s not a huge deal. If I had a dollar for everytime I said I would quit, I’d have a few bucks. It's okay. It’s not okay. I keep saying it’s okay but it really isn’t. I spent over $7000 on just alcohol. I can’t do that again. I should go get a haircut. Nah. I will shave before tonight though. Gotta look good for all the filipino hotties tonight. I think I’ll leave around 10ish. We’ll see. I’m just not spending any money tonight. Bridget will probably hit me up about the quacks show. Even though I didn’t work on the dest today.getting the house cleaned up is nice. I’m going to get good at piano, I really like it. I will play it everyday. I’ll buy a real one soon. It’ll be great. I have a lot of ideas, and I’ll probably never do them. I can make music. I hate that I doubt myself. Like my music is lame. Maybe it is. I don’t care. I like it. I love having a house. I ‘ll never not live in one. I’m thinking about selling the bus.

Cont. on 8/1

Also. I will have Mona back in two weeks. I am beyond stoked! I more than likely go up there on the 19th and head home on the 20th maybe to check out that show : Future Generation and Magic Hippy Music? But I would like to bring someone with me. I don’t really want to. It would be fun if James and Tsvet come along. They may be down. Maybe even get Mx. Vivian to join? Could be a lot of fun. It cost couple hundred. But it’s so worth it. I wish I had Vivian’s #. It would just make it easier to hit her up. Bridget would be fun, but I don’t know. I alway say I’m not down, but get a couple beers in me and everything changes. If someone does come, I’m no drink. I need to learn how to be social without drinking. It’s hard. I did pretty alright last night. It wasn’t too shabby. I don’t know why I like that she. She trusts me and I will do my best to never break that trust. But I would have taken my chance. I’m so worried they’ll say yes and I just won’t know what to do. I’ll get it figured out. Just like lunch and dinner.

Cont. on July 31

Lunch - 

Quinoa Tebule - Tabbouleh

1- Cucumber

1- Cherry Tomatos

1- Radish 1- Eggs

1- Parsley 1- Pickles

1- Mint 1- Garlic

1-Scallions

Should be alright with that

Dinner

Tomorrow will be pizza but I may get a nice salad. I’ll worry about dinner tomorrow

Pictures from this day

As of right now there is 119 blank days. When I decided to fill this on 11/30 I had 32 days to fill up 180 days. In 35 days I fill up 61 days which isn’t bad. I have till the end of Sunday to fill up as much as possible, then I’m retiring this journal. Let’s get it under 100. 3 days to fill up 20 days. That about 6 a day or 7. I can do it! Then it will be about 72% full. Not too shabby for missing almost half the days at the start of November. Next year is going to be so much better. I’ll do this Planner thing and a page in the new journal along with getting the others filled as well. I think those Nikes are done and it’s time to get some new shoes. My left foot hurts this morning for no apparent reason and it sucks. It has to be because of the shoes? I’m going to wear my NBs today and see that makes a difference. Maybe, Maybe not, but it’s worth a shot. It could be that my feet are trying to have an arch cause I walk around bare foot at home a lot. That would be sweet, I will start to incorporate the feet exercises in my lifting routine and that should help a bunch. We’ll see!

Cont. on 8/8

Good day at work today. Got a lot done on that Rage Wine job. Probably will finish it up on Monday. No Problemo. Went to lunch with Skylar, she definitely talks a lot. I feel she doesn’t really have anyone to talk to really, or just being around her folks just had gotten old. I do hope she is able to her her own place soon. She will be a lot happier and her folds will be a lot happier as well. Especially Neal. Well, I’m oging to delete FB today. I’m over it after this workout. I’m ogoing to get all the info off there that I need and be gone! I’m ready. I’ll share my music in other ways. FB isn’t the only way to promote. Whatever. I don’t care. I’m over it. I’ll form a jazz band or something. Or just write and record music. Make videos for everything? Whatever. I’m done trying to impress people or be “friends” these people don’t care. Or maybe I don’t care. More that likely. But I do like these people. I just feel I’m ready to move on. Get my priorities straight again. Maybe coming back just was a bad idea. That’s not true, I just have to take it a day at a time. 

Cont. on 8/7

I’m finishing this month tonight. So, let’s see who I had a crush on since I’ve been back. I think fist might have been Kristina Kelley. Still kind of do. I still remember being at Brooklyn Bowl and finding out she had a boyfriend. I feel it wouldn’t work out. Then Jenna - which is over at this point. I can’t ( I can) believe I talked to her hammered. I don’t even remember what she said or really what I said. So to keep it from getting awkward I treat her like any other friend. Nover “crushed” on Bridget, just always wondered if there was anything there. But I really don’t think so. I feel if there was it would have happened in Japan. Definitely had some feelings for Lyn. But that would never work. Maybe if she didn’t have kids. Her kids are great, but it's not something I want. So, it’s okay. I could have been better about it, but I just don’t want to deal with it. Plus she lives in a different country. I want someone here. Right now, I don’t want anyone. I need to get myself back on track before getting into a relationship. 

Cont. on 8/6

Then there’s Luna. But I’ve written enough in here about her and don’t have much more to say. I never took a shot and lost my chance. One click away from deleting FB. If i hit this button it is the last time I am logging in. I don’t need it. I don’t want it. The people that need to get a hold of me have my number. It’s gone. And I already feel better. I don’t think anyone will notice for a while if at all. I’m probably not going to that show tonight. Unless Tsvet hits me up or James, you know what I mean. Definitely attracted to Vivian, but I feel she isn't’ the right personality for me. I feel a lof of things. I’ll. I f I go to the show tonight, I will end up drinking and smoking and I really do not want to do that. Plus, I would spend money, even if I didn’t drink it’s like at least $5 in gas. But I I do go. I will be able to socialize a little with the same people

 I see all the time. Not all the time, but still. I get super socially awkward if I’m sober. It sucks. It’s like I forgot how to be myself.

Cont. on 8/4

I hope Neal isn’t. Doesn’t get his feeling hurt about the gym thing. I’ll wait till I have Mona. He’ll understand then. It’s just so easy to not be sober. I don’t know why I just can’t be sober. Is there any benefit to smoking weed or drinking tonight. Pro’s - The weed will make me relax more. I feel the music more when I play and just enjoy playing. I trying to justify getting high. It’s not really a bad thing. I’m just trying - 8/8 - to figure out why I feel the need to not do these things. Well drinking is easy to figure out. I want to lose weight and drinking is completely against losing weight. At least for how I like to drink. I just enjoy having a buzz or being high. Lately I’ve been getting upset with myself when I drink too much. Just cause I know I need to stop doing it. Not completely and not stop forever, but I need a break right now. I’m done till I get to 175. I will be under 200 by February. It’ll be easy. I’m okay with smoking weed as long as it is not on work nights. Just makes me so groggy. 

Cont. on 8/3

A Lotta Things

By Bonny Doon

EGDD

This and that

So and so

Maybe yes, maybe no

You said a lot of things. You said a lot of things.

Eleven Thirty-Nine

I’ll never be on time.

I know I said a lot of things. I said a lot of things. 

And I should be happy

But I’m not

But I’m not

And I should be grateful

I know. But I’m not

But I’m not

I’m faking my own death

So I can get some rest

I know I thought of everything. I thought of everything

Standing in the corner

Just staring at the sky

Oh man, I saw a lotta things

I saw a lot of things

I should write this in the new journal and just know the songs. I wonder if this is any easier not really I just need to relax.

I should have stayed home. I went because I knew I would drink. I decided it on my before I left. 

Had another crazy dream but it was really nice. Watched Walle for the first time, then went to the Disney Studio and met one of the artist. She lived there. But she was so happy we were there and talking to her. She loved my tattoos. I had more than what I have now. But it was time to go and she got sad. She just laid there. I wanted a hug, but she wouldn’t get up so I gave her a kiss. Then I was late for work where I needed to take a test. It was a written test and I scored really low the first two times. So I was worried about that. I left a Mickey shirt for the Disney girl before I left. I had to ride my bike to work. But it was all freeways and I was in CA so I had to have a helmet so I went back and tried to find one. The store had one, but I didn’t really remember buying them. Then there was an older lady with a pet monkey that I hung out with. I feel she was odd, but the monkey loved me. We cuddled and napped and I spent some time in her house. Can’t really remember names at all but all in all good dreams. Makes me want to sleep all the time. Not really. Real life is just as cool.

Cont. on 8/10

I wonder if Jessica and Crystal don’t think about me as much as I don’t think about them. Probably. I only bring this up because it's the day before Crystal’s birthday. 8/11/87 or 88. I can’t remember. I was such a bad boyfriend. Maybe I was at times. Either way. We needed to break up. I wasn’t happy. I was talking to girls on FB. I checked out of that relationship for sure. She did the right thing breaking up with me. I’ve learned so much since then. It’s been 7-6 years. I’m a lot different now. I still believe that when I stopped writing I went down hill. I can because I stopped holding myself accountable and just let myself go. Drinking eating and not exercising did it to me. Never again. I do like moving my body. But I don’t like moving this body. It’ll get better. Today I will get that proposal done. I’ll get a salad at walmart and take my dad to costco. When I get home I will clean, read, write, play some music and ride the bike for 30 minutes. Find a different interval training video. Have a good stretch before bed. Then go through my flash cards. It’ll be a good day.

Cont. on 8/9

I was so lazy yesterday. What did I do yesterday? I made pizza. I was made with green sauce, carnitas and cheese. I used the mixer, but it was way to dry, but it turned out pretty good. I think I should just come up with my own recipe, but they are basically all the same. On track. I woke up around 12ish, picked up the kitchen and mostly laid on the couch. I did write a day so it wasn’t a complete loss, but around 4:30 I took a nap till around 6ish and decided it was time for bed. I slept almost 14 hours. It was nice. I needed it. Pretty unproductive day, but it’s okay. It’s a new year and I’m ready to crush it this year. After work, I am going to clean! Evey thing! bey really. Kitchen for sure and the table. I will do the work out and possibly yoga. Maybe yoga before bed. I want to get more on a set schedule. It’ll be good. I also want to make the flash cards and play on the piano for at least 30 minters. I want to do that every day to get better at the piano! It’ll happen. also. No T.V. today and not on my phone too much Read. Read. Read. Read please.

Cont on 8/15

Top things I would like to do more of this year. Play more music. Listen to more music. Read more. Write more. Maybe find a different year planner with bigger days, or just start filling up the other journals I have. Move my body more. I did great for a long time then I just sucked some more. I want to save as much as possible. I’ll stick to the $200 budget and any thing that doesn’t fit I need to move my budget week from Friday to Sunday. Sundays will be fore grocery shopping and chilling. then by the time Friday/Saturday roll around we’ll see how much I have left. It’ll work out way better that way. No more of this $1.87 in my bank account. I specially since I made over $60,000 this year. I do have a lot to show for it, but it is the very least I could do. At least I’m aware of it. I’ve been living like this for a long time. 2018 was a great year and it’s only going to get better! Keep you sight close and focus on the day to day. You can do this. You want do do this. It will happen. You got this!

Cont on 8/14

So. It’s a very good possibility that I will have Mona back in my lfe relatively shortly. Like a week or so. As long as I’m able to get this pet deposit paid on Friday. Just have to wait for Anna to call and it should be good to go on Friday. I’m so stoked. I may have to drive up there to pick her up but I don’t mind. I could invite someone for the road trip. Could be a dun weekend. We’ll see what happens though. I do have my hopes up, but I won’t believe it till it happens. Then I always have an excuse to always go home after work. No more just stopping at the folks, which I don’t mind, but I just won’t be tempted. Then I’m always home on work days. Even Friday. There, I will move there likely just stay home all the time and I’m okay with that. Then I have no excuse to go out and not cook at home and not work out. Lets go with the no zero days. This is going to be my best year yet! I’m excited! I’m also very excited about the left over pizza that In the over! I can’t skip lunch anymore. It sucks. Couple more days!

Cont on 8/13

I may bail on Ian to go to the party. I’ll talk Ian to come earlier so I can get out of here around 7:30 and get to his place around 8:15isg. I haven’t. We’ll see. We have time to figure it out! They’ll be alright with it. Got the flash card done. It won’t take long to go through them before going to bed. Like 10-15 minutes. I feel just going through them once a day I’ll have them memorized pretty quickly and I’ll keep with the piano practice as much as I can. I like it. I want to be really good at the piano. If I do a couple times a week, there's no way I won’t get better. Lets say if you are getting better by like June, I will by myself a piano. Then I will have to practice all the time. Either way. I will keep practicing and getting better. Today I cleaned very little. Exercised. Kept under my calorie goal. Made some flash cards and practiced piano. there’s no reason why I can’t do that almost everyday. Only thing stopping me i myself. I am the reason why I am where I am all the food and all the bad. I just need to get rig of the bad stuff.

Cont on 8/11

I wonder how Haily felt about the Christmas card. It is weird I sent it to her work, but I’d be stoked to get something like that. I really do hope she writes back. I didn’t really leave her with any other option. No phone number or anything. Just a return address and hopefully it was legible enough for her to read ti. Oh well. It’s gone and if I don’t hear from here, I hope she lives a very happy life. I’m sure she will.

Cont on 8/12

2019 me: Please most of all, don’t forget about me. I really hope you read this next year. Right now you weigh around 210-215. I hope to be under 170. I feel that is an easy goal. I hope to have a MC and be comfortable riding. Okay. It has been 5 years since I had a new years kiss. Whatever. It’ll probably be another

Sorry that my entry sucks. I did pretty good last though.

I am dedicated to taking a year from drinking. Then replace the year as forever. Let’s really see how long you can go with out drinking. Like.

Let’s do 1 week. with no smoking work nights and see how it goes.

Alright. From today. See how long you can go without buying meat. I have a bunch, so it’ll be a while till it’s vegetarian. I’ll just

I have so many memories that I don’t what to forget. I’m going to write more of it down.

Cont on 12/31

It was so much fun to see the D last night. I still should have gone alone, but having Skylar go was cool. I hope she doesn’t get any ideas. I just enjoy her company. I did have a good time with her. Probably one of my favorite new years. I go drunk for what is hopefully the last time. I have a goal of one week. Then I’ll move it to two weeks. Keep it small, achievable goals. I wonder how many books I can read this year. Lets say 12. One a month minimum. I can probably get through a lot of Sapiens today and maybe have it finished by Friday. Id’ like to start collecting books and vinyls. I will this year. $200 weekly budget with no eating out or drinking, I should be able to get a lot of things. I also want a lot of house plants. I feel I should be able to stay another year at least. I think I can buy this house by Sept. 2020. It’ll be a lot of hard work, but I feel it’s do able, especially if I hit a 9 spot keno for 60 grand. Walk away with like $45,000 that’s a nice down payment. I’ll definitely get inspections for the house.

Picture from this day

I’m glad I’ve really kept up with this this month. It’s helped me out a ton. I’m not going to reach the goal of getting under 200 unless a miracle happens tonight or tomorrow and I suddenly drop 10lbs over night. It’s okay. I’ll write down my January goals and put them up some where. I can get one of those white board panels out of the bus and use them. That’s a good Idea! Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. Get the “studio” set up and maybe attempt to record some thing today! Took all weekend, but the beetle is complete! It was just. I should have done a better job cleaning the pieces, but I t worked out alright. 

Pictures from this day