#john 21

It's been just a couple of days for him under the wings of Mama Mary but you can already see her influence. Like Her, like other John before him, he points to Jesus and leads people to him. He sees his master, his Rabbi, his friend, his everything, and breathlessly, full of awe he says "It is the Lord". And suddenly i too am Peter in the boat next to him and suddenly i too undress and jump in the water and swim to Him as fast as i can so full of longing and yearning i briefly forget my shame. Aren't we all?

A few weeks ago our family made the hard decision to actively pursue getting my 92-year-old mother into long term care. Her memory and problem solving abilities have taken such a sharp downturn over the past year, along with her medical needs becoming more complex, that it’s clear to everyone who knows and loves us that I can’t continue to care for Mom at home much longer without doing harm to my own health and family as well.

It’s hardest for Mom, though, because losing her ability to look after herself has been scary and the prospect of leaving her comfortable private space in our house and moving to a facility with a lot of strangers is even more scary. We all hoped that she might pass away peacefully at home and it would never come to this — but here we are having to face that a nursing home will be her future, unless the Lord intervenes to take her first.

So when I think of my mom I think of these words the Lord spoke to Peter. She’s a faithful disciple of Christ and spent her life in His service, but now it seems He is calling her to a similar trial in old age — to have someone else dress her and take her where she doesn’t want to go.

But Jesus also assured Peter that even though this kind of death was not what he naturally wanted to experience, it was the kind that would glorify God. And that’s what I pray for my mom as well. That whether she lives long enough to go to a nursing home or not, she would glorify God by her ongoing commitment to following Jesus just as Peter did. And I know that despite her natural fear and uncertainty, this is my mom’s prayer and heart’s desire as well.

We still have an unknown length of time to wait until a spot opens for mom in one of our chosen care homes — I’ve been told the waiting list in our area is up to five years. But I also know that nothing is too hard for God, so we are waiting on Him.

That disciple therefore whom Jesus loved saith to Peter: It is the Lord. Simon Peter, when he heard that it was the Lord, girt his coat about him (for he was naked) and cast himself into the sea.

You think the gospel story ends at John 20. John does a pretty good job wrapping up Jesus’ life, death and resurrection with a blurb titled: The purpose of this book. I don’t know about you but that sounds like a conclusion to me. But then you flip the page and realize there’s still one chapter left.

After Jesus’ resurrection, we find Peter and the disciples out at sea fishing. They’ve been out all night but haven’t been able to catch a single fish. Out of nowhere, Jesus tells them to cast their nets and when they do, they find themselves with a net full of fish (John 21:1-14). And it’s this miracle that calls to memory a moment almost exactly like this one, just three years ago (Luke 5:1-11). With the same disciples, with the same miracle, along the sea – right before Jesus calls them to follow Him.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that there’s such a strong parallel between the first time they see Jesus and one of the last times they will be with Him. It’s almost as if the fulfillment of the gospel ended, so Jesus brings them back to the beginning. Back to square one, where it all began. And the only thing standing between the two stories -- that almost mirror each other -- is the story of Jesus.

But as similar as the stories are, there is one incredible difference between the two. In Peter’s first encounter with Jesus, after the miracle reveals to him who Jesus is, Peter falls to his knees and says, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.” Peter is overwhelmed by the shame of his sin and concludes that it is better for Jesus to distance Himself. But then we find Peter in the same exact situation, after Jesus’ death and resurrection. Except this time, the moment Jesus’ miracle reveals who He is, Peter instantly abandons everything – the fish, the disciples, the boat – and runs towards Jesus as fast as he can. In the first account, Peter concludes that it is right for Jesus to abandon him because of his sins; Jesus had every right to separate Himself from Peter. But in John 21, we see that Peter abandons everything and wants nothing more than to be near Jesus.

In the closing weeks of my Bible study on the gospel of John, we talked a little bit about the following passage:

[17b] Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep. [18] Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go." [19] (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, "Follow me."

[20] Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them, the one who also had leaned back against him during the supper and had said, "Lord, who is it that is going to betray you?" [21] When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, "Lord, what about this man?" [22] Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!" [23] So the saying spread abroad among the brothers that this disciple was not to die; yet Jesus did not say to him that he was not to die, but, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?”

John 21:17b-23 ESV

This really makes me pause and think about how much I say to myself, “But what about them?”

As a young adult who hasn’t yet started college, I see my peers graduating and getting started on their careers. As a single woman, I see other women my age getting married or maintaining stable relationships—and some are even having kids. As someone who is fighting mental illness, I see all these mentally healthy people going about their lives and generally being balanced. I could go on, but the point remains that I have everybody around me to compare my measly progress to, and everything in me wants to say, “But what about them?”

What that intimate exchange between Jesus and His disciples says to me seems straightforward: stop looking at everybody else and look at Jesus instead, follow Jesus instead. So what if people are graduating and moving onto their careers? I’m not working in my desired field yet, but my job is almost always good and a blessing. So what if other people are getting married and having kids? If that’s the path that God has ordained for me, then it will happen in its time; if not, then God will fill my life with an abundance of people who love me.

I get hung up on the mental illness thing. Part of me wants to say, “So what?” but I find it nearly impossible not to question God on that. I metaphorically wrestle with Him about it frequently. I lay awake in bed and ask, “Why?” I let my mind wander in church and ask, “Why?” I stare out the window on the bus and ask, “Why?” Despite all this, the answer remains, “For My glory.” In response, I continually ask, “How?” I only received an answer as I started typing that out: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” That’s not to say that it would be inappropriate for me to ask for help from somewhere else; there is someone out there whose purpose is to help people like me, and I pray that I will meet them soon.