If I tell my dad my sexuality, I think I have to keep it understandable. I think he might know I'm asexual, solely because I've never expressed any sexual desires in my lifetime. But I don't know if he knows I'm aegosexual. He may suspect things, though. Even my mom (when she was alive) may have done. Because I was a very fetishistic person. Let me explain.
Lots of children's media gets oddly sexual. I learned fetishes from so many kids shows, and I was a weirdo who touched myself in the groin when I was 7 and watching arousing content. I hadn't hit puberty and I was already pseudo masturbating. I stopped out of embarassment once puberty hit, but the temptations and the urges have kinda sorta ruined a lot of innocent things for me with weird erotic memories. And the urges all returned once I learned about written erotica. So I'm still dealing with masturbation now, and it's still no better than when I was a kid.
So maybe my parents always knew I was weird. But I never wanted to bring it up and mortify myself more. I know I treat my frequent masturbation almost like it's a problem, but it's one of those problems you get so embarased by you refuse to bring it up. I get awkward even watching sex scenes in films, I have a rather high libido but a very low desire to ever discuss sex with anyone in real life. It's just so embarassing. It's mortifying. It's one of those things I think everyone must hate talking about. How can sex exist outside of the mind? It's...I don't get it. I accept my aegosexuality, but sometimes I think I can almost wish I was purely asexual. It'd save me so much trouble.
As it stands now, I have the worst of all worlds. A high sex drive, no desire for sex, no desire to talk about it irl, and a mortification thinking about it. I think my dad would be able to understand all this, but telling him is where I flub. I can't bring myself to willingly discuss sexuality with my dad. I should tell him (for honesty's sakes), but I want to cover my head in my hands thinking about it.
And telling him my romantic orientation might be just as hard (but way less embarassing). I could say I'm 85% sure I'm aromantic, but I still don't want to ever be alone. That's easier then describing my masturbation habits. But it's all still very awkward regardless. I don't know how anyone ever tells anyone this stuff. I'm not scared my dad would judge me, I'm just scared of feeling so utterly self embarrassed.
