#intrurality

           Logan had just poured another cup of coffee and sat down where Roman was humming to himself and making notes, “Having trouble with the chorus?”

           “It’s not quite right, is it? What is it that’s hitting my ear wrong?”

           “Perhaps the extra syllable is stumbling you,” Logan said. “It does rush the cadence.”

           “I did shoehorn it in I suppose. Ok, give me a moment to rework this rhyme, would you?”

           “Take your time,” Logan said. “As long as you don’t spend more than twenty minutes on it, we’ll still be on schedule.”

           Roman nodded absently, and Logan scrolled through the schedule for the week, making sure Thomas wasn’t forgetting anything as he sipped his coffee and let Roman work. He glanced up when Patton and Remus walked together into the kitchen, an event entirely too suspicious to be ignored. Logan raised an eyebrow and lowered his cup, “Patton. Remus.”

           “Hiya, Logan!” Patton greeted. “Having fun?”

           “We’re working on a script,” Logan said. “The fact that we’re on schedule is certainly enjoyable, but I’m not entirely convinced that I would call it fun.”

           “You’re having fun,” Roman muttered as he finished the line, “Ok now, let me sing you this and-“

           “Wait! First, we have an important question for Logan,” Remus shouted, causing the two at the kitchen table to jump. “Go ahead, Patton.”

           “Oh! Right um… well, did you know the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles, Logan?” Patton said, a mischievous smile on his face.

           Logan scoffed and fixed his glasses, “Patton, that’s absolutely-“

           “Just squidding!” Remus crowed.

           Roman looked over at Logan, who was barely containing his seething rage, “Uh, Padre? Why don’t you and Snively Whiplash go play in the livingroom? Logan and I are a little busy.”

           Patton hesitated, taking a step back but Remus took him by the elbow, “Come on now, Patton! Don’t Octopus out on me now!”

           “Language!” Patton gasped. “But that was a good one. Ok, Roman. What kind of computer problems do octopi have?”

           “Patton honestly, we-“

           “Tentacle difficulties!” the two cried out together.

           Logan rolled his eyes, “Could you two please find something more constructive to do? Anywhere else?”

           “Yes we are very busy!” Roman cried. “This isn’t easy and the two of you are making it nigh impossible! Go bother Virgil!”

           “Or Deceit,” Logan muttered.

           Remus swept Patton up into his arms and the two were an incorrigible mess of giggles as they left the room. “I’m going to kill them both,” Roman said.

           “Just help me finish this script first,” Logan said.

           Virgil jumped and hissed when Patton and Remus appeared in his room. He dropped the book he was reading and pulled his hoodie closer around him, obviously on edge from the sudden intrusion.

           Patton gave an enthusiastic wave, “Hi Virgil!”

           “Greetings, Emo!” Remus sang.

           “Whatever this is,” Virgil said. “I’ll eat you both.”

           “Ooh, Virgil pl-“

           “Ah!” Patton scolded. “Behave.”

           Remus pouted, but he was too eager to do the joke to push Patton’s buttons, “Hey, Virgil! How many tickles does it take to make me laugh?”

           Virgil stared them down, and when it became apparent that they—and their maddening smiles—weren’t going anywhere, he sighed in defeat, “I’m not touching you… but how many?”

           “Ten! Ten tickles!” Patton cried, jumping and clapping his hands.

           “Kill me,” Virgil said.

           Remus opened his mouth but Patton grabbed him, “Come on Deceit’s next!”

           “I hope he kills you two!” Virgil called after them, but he had the tiniest smile on his face.

             “Ok, Patton, remember, I have the perfect joke to tell Deceit!”

           “You still haven’t told it to me,” Patton said as they descended the steps to the subconscious. “I know it’s your special joke but, I wanted to be involved, a little?”

           “Oh don’t worry about that at all,” Remus said. “I want to see your reaction too! You’re just going to love it, I know!”

           Patton smiled, still a bit on edge, but so far, the day had gone well, so he nodded, “Ok Remus I can’t wait to hear it.”

           Deceit was in the dark living room, sitting at his desk and scribbling notes. He looked up at them both and looked surprised for a moment, “Remus, darling, what are you doing with Patton downstairs?”

           “I’m just visiting,” Patton said. “How are you Deceit?”

           Deceit put on his most charming smile, “Wonderful to see you, honey. Have a seat.”

           Remus nudged Patton and they both sat down in the chairs on the other side of Deceit’s desk. “Ok, Dee, I have to tell you a story! Patton too!”

           Deceit glanced between them, “You’re certain this is appropriate for mixed company, darling?”

           “Yes! I know Patton will love it,” Remus assured. “Ok, so, a man walks into a bar with an octopus.”

           Deceit leaned in, “A bar? With an octopus?”

           “Yes,” Remus said. “He sets the octopus on the bar and says to the bartender “I bet you $100 that this octopus can play any instrument in the bar.”

           The bartender points to the piano in the corner and says “Alright, let’s hear it.”

           So, the man puts the octopus in front of the piano and it gets fancy, playing Beethoven, then Piano Man to really get the crowd in the bar going. After enthusiastic applause from the bar, the man goes back to the bartender and holds out his hand.

           The bartender says, “Wait a sec.” He goes to the back and comes out with a guitar that he hands to the octopus. The octopus tunes it a little bit, gives a strum, and then really takes it away with Freebird. The crowd loves it!

           The man turns to the bartender and says, “Alright the crowd loves him you gotta pay up!”

           The bartender says to him, “Hold on, let me get another.” So he goes to the back and comes up with a clarinet, handing it to the octopus.

           The octopus grabs it and sloppily puts it in its beak then begins to play. It gets through a song but it’s not quite the masterpiece the first two instruments were, so the man is getting nervous. He goes up to the bartender and demands his winnings.

           “Hold on!” says the bartender. “One more and that’s it!”

           He goes to the back and comes out with bagpipes. He hands them to the octopus. The octopus looks at them for a second then begins to wrap his tentacles around the bagpipes, squeezing. The bagpipes let out a wheeze.

           The man goes up to the octopus and nervously says, “Well can you play it?”

           “Play it?” The octopus says. “Once I get its pajamas off I’m gonna fuck it!”

           Remus dissolved into hysterical laughter and Patton slapped both hands over his mouth, looking to Deceit with wide eyes. Deceit put a hand to his chest and feigned shock as well, watching Patton jump up and hurry back up the stairs before he chuckled, “Darling that was absolutely malevolent.”

           I told you he’s cute when he’s embarrassed!” Remus said. “You think he’ll let me fuck him now?”

           “Not after that joke, at least not unless you go upstairs and act extremely apologetic. Why don’t you take him some cookies? Some chocolate chip cookies, and don’t bake them yourself, for crying out loud. Have your brother help you.”

           “You said he’d like the joke!” Remus said.

Deceit shrugged, “I thought he would, honey, honestly. I can’t believe he didn’t!”

Remus nodded, scratching the back of his neck, “Isn’t he great?” he asked dreamily, then rushed off to bother Roman.

Patton had decided to take a leap of faith and bring the dogs Roman had conjured for him to Remus' room to hangout. But when he had arrived, Remus saw the puppos and quickly ushered them away from his room. Apparently his dog wasn't good with others.

Patton was determined to meet this dog! All the puppos in the world deserve love and a chance at friendship! Even if Remus had a three-headed hell hound named Spot on Fernir hidden away, he would meet the puppo! That's why he was sneaking into Remus' room.

He was always amazed by the large door to the imagination in the back, because unlike Roman, Remus tended to keep the organized chaos in his thoughts, not his room. Sure it was creepy like an old castle with an eerie green glow, and there were assorted jars of things Patton didn’t even want to think about along one wall next to the assortment of weapons Remus polished regularly. On the other wall there was a large bed, a chest of goodness knows what, and sculptures displayed on the shelves overhead, all of which were replicas of famous statues, only gayer and most more sapphic. But the large door was calling to him more than the macabre and the fine art.

He neared the door, listening carefully for Remus returning or dogly barking. He heard nothing but his own breathing. It was just the tiniest bit unsettling, but it wasn't too bad.

But something was off when he opened the door into the dark side of the Imagination. It wasn't gloomy or nighttime but there was a certain chill that made him want to wear his hoodie.

"Pattycake?" Remus questioned from behind, making Patton jump out of his skin and spin on his heels.

"Oh there you are! I was just looking for you!" Patton cheered. Remus looked behind him and paled.

BOOF!

"Run."

"What? Why?" Patton pouted.

"My dog, Winary. She caught your scent and she's headed this way!" Remus paled you have to get out of here!"

"But dogs love me."

"She is a three-headed hellhound! I don't want you to get hurt despite thinking about that shit all the time!" Remus argued with a wild desperation in his eyes.

BOOF!

"Patton, run."

"I'm not afraid. No matter how big a dog is, love and respect can win them over."

BOOF!

"Please! She's not friendly! Don't—" Remus fell silent just before a large puppy bolted past Patton to Remus, leaping into his arms. She had the cutest bent ears and a smoldering black coat covered in tawny spots. One head was nuzzling Remus' shoulder, while another tried to chew his mustache, and the last one licked his face.

"Aw!" Patton squealed and clasped his hands in front of him. That was too cute! But it caused all three heads to snap in his direction. The head that was chewing on his stache growled protectively. She stood out because of a spot on her snout. The one licking his face tilted curiously. She had spots over both eyes. The last one was leaning towards Patton, sniffing him. She had a spot on her forehead.

"Winifred!" Remus snapped, "No! Do not growl at Patton!—Mary get back here!" He got a tentacle out to pull the sniffing head back.

"Can I pet them? I won't get hurt or scare them." Patton asked. As soon as he uttered the word, "pet" he was doomed. Winary wiggled forcefully and leapt from Remus' arms, tackling Patton to the ground and laying on his chest.

Patton laughed as he was the subject of multiple kisses and sniffs. Remus was dumbstruck as Patton pet and rolled Winary on her back. Her tail created a breeze as Patton rubbed her belly and cooed. It was too cute.

"So there's Winifred, Mary, and—Sarah?" Patton asked, snapping Remus from his trance.

"Yeppers!"

"Like the Sanderson sisters! That's so cute!—Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl?" Patton laughed and cooed at the happy puppy.

"How come she isn't trying to eat your arms and rip off your pants?"

"I just have an animal magnetism! I can tame some of the wildest creatures up here!" Patton answered with a smirk.

"You can't tame me!" Remus laughed.

"I can if you want me to."

"Thems fightin words."