#interview transcript

Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman at NADWCON 2011 (North American Discworld Convention) ❤

Neil: The single worst experience that we went through was, I think, the film. The first go round on the film, where it was bought by very nice people who convinced us they were very nice because we were absolute innocent. And I just remember going up for the first meeting with them.

And we were going up for the meeting, and Terry says, 'Here, come over here.'

I said, 'Okay.'

He said, 'Um, look, I'm not sure about these people, and you're not sure about these people. If this is our first meeting, if they're just completely barking, we should have a code word. And whoever says the code word, we both get up in unison and we leave'.

I said, 'Okay, so we need a code word that neither of us could conceivably say in normal conversation.'

And Terry says, 'Yes.'

I said, 'Okay, what about Biggles?' Now, Biggles, for those of you who don't know, was a famous...

Terry, joking: A famous Cardinal. [Cardinal Biggles in Monthy Python].

Neil: He was. Of course.

Terry: They're young, that's the only one they know.

Neil: Captain W. E. Johns wrote books about Biggles, who was a World War I flying ace who, with his pals Ginger and Algy used to go out and shoot out the evil Germans. So, if any Germans are here, you're not evil, it was just in this book. So. So, I say, 'What about Biggles?'

And Terry is, 'Okay. Biggles it is.'

So we head up for the meeting, and we're sitting there around the table talking to what seemed to be terribly nice, sensible people. And then the executive walks in. And the executive in this case was a woman who looked like she had mugged somebody 20 years younger than her and stolen her hair. And she walked in and she didn't... She said like, 'Hi, Neil. Hi, Terry. It's lovely to meet you both. Now, I'm sure that the guys have been talking to you about your book, Good Omens, and what we're thinking about now. Okay, let me just run some stuff past you. We figure the dynamics of this are the kid, Adam, whatever his name is, Newt, the witchfinder. We see him as, like, maybe being Tom Cruise, young, goodlooking, hunky, but he's looking for the witches. And the witch, Athaneema, I think her name was. Okay, so there's Newt and there's Athaneema'.

And I look at Terry, and I need to actually mime this - I think we should do this together.

.

Fun fact: Neil wrote the 'Athaneema' into the Good Omens series :).

[introduction]

Host/Interviewer:

I spoke with Dan and Phil, who are on their Terrible Influence tour at the moment. I think they’re in Sydney right now, even though I had to call them on the phone via England [laughter]. They’re gonna be on at the Adelaide Entertainment Centre next week, Monday the 16th of December. And these guys, they’re British Internet Youtube radio hosts, they’re critics of games, they’re book authors, Dan and Phil, they’re currently in Australia having their Terrible Influence tour which lands in Adelaide at the entertainment Centre next week and they’re attempting to “take back what the internet took from them”!

So, it’s allegedly a screamingly hilarious live stage show. I have no doubt that it is hilarious. They’re “older, gayer and Phil’s gone blonde” evidently, and nothing is off limits. Now I was brought to their, uh, to the attention of them by some younger folk, who asked me to ask them certain questions, throw some sort of slightly strange questions at them, and I haven’t got time to include all of those questions and also I had a call after the interview from one of the duo suggesting that “oh, you might get trolled if you ask a question like that and people misinterpret it”, because I was asking, uh… I believe they’ve become a couple, I’m not sure if they’ve gotten married, but they may have gotten married or they may just be, like, going steady, but they’re a terrific pair of comic lads, in the vein of Kenny Everett, sort of. They don’t have a TV show as such, they were both youtubers, which means that they had a little bit of youtube shows, and then they started guesting on each other’s show, and then they eventually started doing stuff together. Very interesting lads. And I just really want to play the interview now.

[interview starts playing]

Dan: And I’ve got a mullet now that I’m in Australia because apparently that’s what people do. (?) Australians have more fun and I wanted to appropriate a little bit of the culture while we’re here doing the show.

Phil: I think it’s more of a micro-mullet, Dan, though, you know, you haven’t gotten to full mullet, it’s more of a micro-mullet.

D: It’s a mullet without the T, it’s just a mull-è.

I: Mull-è hahaha, all right! Just with that sort of…

P: Yeah, without the T, yeah!

I: That sort of hard E at the end.

P: Yes.

I: How has your tour been going so far, gentlemen?

D: It’s been amazing to be in Australia, no offense, we loved having a great time in America, but we’re very happy to be in Australia. Although, I know it’s summer, why is it so hot? Nowhere on Earth should be this warm.

I: You haven’t reached Adelaide yet, have you?

D: No, God, don’t tell me it’s warmer!

I: Yes, Yes, we’re in the middle of a very dry, arid area, very isolated, a long way from anywhere, but there’s only about maybe thirty of forty tickets left at your gig here?

D: We’re happy for the people of Adelaide, they’re, you know, they’re out here, in that dry, arid desert, and there’s nothing to do but come to the Dan and Phil show, and we love them for that, they’re all making responsible financial decisions, so we’re very grateful for all the people that are coming to the show.

P: And if there’s forty people listening, come hang out with us, it’s gonna be a fun time!

D: Yeah, what else are you doing on that night?

P: We’re gonna be pumping the aircon out.

D: Yeah, just come to have somewhere cool to sit in the theatre, you know what I mean?

I: Are you collecting things from your hangouts that you’re gonna discuss at the next show? Like before a show, if people hang out with you, give you a piece of art, or a little letter, a note, something like that, do you then discuss it in front of the (?)

D: Oh, a big trendy thing these days, yeah Taylor Swift had started this trend of the bracelets that people, that have things on (?), so people would make these bracelets that say “Dan” or “Phil” in beads, and the other day someone gave me a bracelet that said “vegemite" on it.

I: Hahaha

D: And I was like “what the heck?” and they said, “you don’t understand, this is incredibly culturally important, so I was like “okay, thank you, I will cherish the vegemite bracelet”.

P: I got one that said “koala daddy”, I’m not sure what that meant, but (?)

D: (?)

I: Koala daddy?

P: Yep, I think that’s what they were calling me!

I: Have you actually dipped your tongue into any vegemite as yet?

P: Uh, I would have to say it was one of the most horrific experiences of my life, I’m sorry! [Dan laughter in the background]

D: What, Phil, you don’t like a yeast-based condiment?

P: No.

D: How dare you?

P: Dan loved it, though. (?)

D: I’m just a yeasty kind of guy.

I: Yeah, it’s kind of up there with marmite, isn’t it?

D: It is, but I only eat sweet things, so I couldn’t handle it, but Dan was eating a second portion of toast this morning, and loved it.

I: Yeah, it’s good for you!

P: And last time we were in Adelaide we did a vlog where we explored the town, didn’t we? We got Tim Tams, we did a Tim Tam Slam.

D: Yeah. The national sport.

I: The national sport, sucking coffee through a Tim Tam.

D: Yeah, yeah.

P: I can get down with that.

I: Oh yeah, it’s a lot of fun to do! You realise that our Premier is the one who started the ball rolling with the social media ban for under sixteen-year-olds? You’re lucky that you’re here now at this stage of your career rather than at the beginning of your career, because there’s a lot of young people who have grown with you, who will be able to come and see your show!

D: Yeah, absolutely.

I: Are you relying on them sort of moving forward with you?

D: People have been with us for a long time and people tell us some things that are very disturbing.

P: Yeah, we’ve had some people meet us that are like, “I’ve watched you ten years ago, still watching you now, and I’ve got a whole child now!” and it’s like, what, what is happening!

I: Hahaha!

P: Time isn’t real!

I: It’s kind of a historic moment, you’re probably the first English lads to have linked in to youtube, and the Internet, and gone off the way that you have.

D: Nah(?), we were just… well, we come from an early generation, Phil has been doing it for so long that you couldn’t even make a career off youtube yet, there was no monetization, he was just doing it out of boredom, that’s how terrifying it is.

P: Yeah, I’m a youtube dinosaur, so yeah, I think definitely(?) I was one of the first ones to do it, but it’s crazy that we’re still doing it now, 15 years later.

I: It’s basically become a career for you, hasn’t it?

D: Absolutely, and none of it was planned, it’s been a constant runaway train since day one, and the emergency brake stopped a long time ago.

I: What kind of experiences are you getting to have in your down time while you’re in Australia this time around?

D: Well, I wanted to go to the beach, and then Phil said there’s a high chance you’re gonna get eaten by a shark, and I was like, “a high chance? I don’t know about that” and then we asked a guy and he was like “oh no, they’re out there, I see them every week”; so… [laughter]

P: I am hoping to look into the eyes of a wombat and have an emotional connection.

D: A  Deep spiritual moment? Okay.

P: My favourite animal.

I: A wombat?

P: Yeah, I love a wombat!

D: Underrated.

I: Do you like the hairy-nosed wombat, or just the plain old brown one?

P: I’m not sure of the difference, maybe I should find that out, maybe that’s gonna be my quest.

D: (?) Make a decision.

I: Yeah, if you come face to face or nose to nose with a hairy-nosed wombat, he’s more likely to roll over and let you cuddle his tummy. The other ones have got a (?) and they’re a little bit more aggressive.

D: Okay. Sounds like me.

I: [laughter]. Have the audiences been laughing at all the right spots so far?

D: Definitely, and they’ve been laughing at all the inappropriate spots where they’re not supposed to, as well. But we’ll take it. You either have an audience that laughs all the time even at the inappropriate moments, or a quiet one. And I don’t want a quiet one.

P: Also, a good thing about our show is that we kind of give everyone a recap of everything that’s happened in the last fifteen years, so if you’re like, “oh, I used to watch Dan and Phil a while ago”, you can still come along and you’ll get right up to speed.

D: Oh, we know that people are dragging their husbands, their mothers, their older sisters to the show, and these people are like, “what the heck is going on?”, so don’t worry, we cover the base.

I: Sounds good to me! I hope you have a fantastic time in Adelaide, and you continue to enjoy yourselves.

D: Thank you!

I: Ride the wave, don’t worry about sharks.

P: Excellent, well, yeah, we’re looking forward to it. Thanks, nice to speak to you!

I: You too, cheers lads! Dan and Phil…

P: Cheers!

D: Bye!

Note: some transcriptions may be innacurate. These guys have really odd voices, okay? I tried

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LOCATION: Internal Interview Room Gamma-3, Observation Subnet Active SUBJECT: Agent [REDACTED] INTERVIEWER: Delta Green Division – VELUM DATE: October 25th TIME: 03:19 AM

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

VELUM: Last time you spoke of memory as a battleground. This time, I want specifics. Where were you when it happened?

AGENT: (pauses) I don’t know. That’s the point.

VELUM: Then explain what you mean by "the event."

AGENT: You ever walk into a room... and freeze? Like you were about to do something, but now it’s gone? Like the universe hiccupped and dropped your thought behind a locked door?

VELUM: Yes. That’s common.

AGENT: (leans forward) No. That’s deliberate.

VELUM: You’re suggesting... intentional memory erasure?

AGENT: Not “suggesting.” I’m remembering trying to remember. Which means something’s still there.

VELUM: (quiet) Describe the sensation.

AGENT: Imagine holding a photo you’ve never seen. A family you don’t know. And still—your chest tightens. Your eyes water. You know them. But someone has torn their names out of the caption.

VELUM: Is this related to Carcosa?

AGENT: Carcosa is just one infection vector. It’s not about where. It’s about what you’re allowed to retain. You think you’ve never seen the King in Yellow? You have. But you called it something else. A panic attack. A dream. Static on an old VHS tape.

VELUM: So what did you forget?

AGENT: (whispers) That I screamed. And no sound came out.

VELUM: …Agent?

AGENT: They don’t erase to protect you. They erase to keep you useful. Because if you remembered what you saw... You’d stop being able to see at all. Your sanity wouldn’t break. It would evaporate. Like sugar in rain.

VELUM: And yet here you are.

AGENT: Am I?

(long silence)

VELUM: What would you tell other agents reading this?

AGENT: (a smile like rust) When you walk into a room and forget why… Check the ceiling. There might be a camera. Or worse— A mirror that wasn’t there yesterday.

END TRANSCRIPT

a very polite answer to ted's kinda pointed q

ted: "what nobody's asked you about the fia thing is that 'how would it not a conflict of interest?'"

Doctor: Taped interview 4, patients name is Garfield Lynns also known as Firefly. Patient suffers from pyromania and pyrophelia. Patient also shows a total disregard for his own safety and others, this is demonstrated with his constant trips to the ER after a time outside the Asylum. Patient has sustained two more burns on his body, side note the patient is receiving on going skin care and treatment in the Medical Pavilion. So, Garfield, now we have that out of the way, how are you feeling?

Firefly: Bored. You know I don’t like these doc’. Being judged, looked at like I’m some sorta’ insect under a microscope. 

Doctor: That’s… not what these sessions are about, Garfield. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to understand you. To listen to you.

Firefly: *snorts* That’d be a first. You shrinks don’t listen to a thing I say. I’m not crazy… I’m no Joker or Zsasz…

Doctor: No one is saying you are crazy, Garfield, but… well, let’s just say some of your desires are less than.. conventional. You start fires for gratification, yes?

Firefly: You’re the shrink, you tell me.

Doctor: I’d like to hear your view. Why do you enjoy setting fires? Is it the thrill? 

Firefly: Fire is beautiful. It’s a living creature, consumes everything it touches, brings everything crumbling down… it’s beautiful…

Doctor: So, you see fire as a living thing?

Firefly: It is alive. Fire needs oxygen, it needs food, if you give it too much water it drowns. It’s alive and the only thing I’ve ever had in my life. 

Doctor: That’s not strictly true, is it Garfield? You do have a younger sister. Yes, here it says a younger sister by the name Amanda Lynns.

Firefly: I don’t want to talk about her!

Doctor: Why not, Garfield? It says here that as children and even before your incarceration here, you and your sister were very close. Do you not miss her?

Firefly: That’s not any of your goddamn business! 

Doctor: Garfield your sister seems to be the only person you’ve ever managed to create a human attachment to. Everything else… well, the fire seems to consume the rest of your life, but your sister is… important to you, yes? She was younger than you, did you have to take care of her? That must of been a big responsibility.

Firefly: I said I don’t want to talk about it…. About her.. she… she…

Doctor: Going further it says here-

Firefly: Shut up…

Doctor: - It says that you once burned your sister’s arm when you were a boy. 

Firefly: That was an accident! 

Doctor: So you didn’t mean to burn her?

Firefly: No! What kind- what kind of a sicko do you think I am!? She’s my little sister, I’d never hurt her! It was accident, I was just playing with some matches and… she shouldn’t have gotten so close. Next thing I know… her sleeve’s on fire and she’s screaming and.. and crying… I tried to put it out…

Doctor: Was she burned badly?

Firefly: Only second degree burns. Docs said she was lucky. Could’ve been worse. After she got better… I made a promise.

Doctor: And what promise was that?