#importantbirds

It’s spring and we all know what that means. That’s right—the goddamned scrub jays are back.

California Smug Jerk Common Name: California Scrub Jay (formerly Western Scrub Jay)

Due to climate change, this smug son of a bitch has expanded its range from California up the western coast of the U.S. into Washington State, and is now regularly disturbing the peace in my back yard with its fucking loud, harsh call. 

It used to be called the Western Scrub Jay, but some scientists got bored and decided to divide them into two separate species (California Scrub Jays in coastal areas, and Woodhouse’s Scrub Jays in the interior). Both are still smug fucks.

Bird Region: North America. West Coast. Definitely in the author’s trees.

🦅🦅🦅

Read all about this and other asshats from around the world in my latest book:

A Higher Plane Of Honking

burrowing parrot having a sleep blease do not disturb

photographed april 2017 zoo dortmund

Common Name: Boreal Chickadee

This brown capped member of the Tit family is brown and dull. It lives quietly in the forests of the far North American continent and is non-migratory, so unless you’re unlucky enough to be in Alaska or Canada you probably won’t have to see one. Not that you would probably notice it if you did. It happily visits backyard feeders within its range, but there’s no compelling reason to bother looking. 

Fun Fact: Canadians are so bored with this bird that they have tried making it more interesting by inventing fun colloquial names for it, like Chick Chick, Tom-tit, and even Fillady. This doesn’t really help.

Bird Region: North America

🦅🦅🦅⁠

⁠Read all about this and other asshats from around the world in my latest book:⁠

Yellow Bastard Chat Common Name: Yellow-breasted Chat

This obnoxious shit can never be serious. He may look pretty, but he’s a goddamned clown. He’s the kind of bird that’s always chuckling. Or gurgling. Or making various squeaks and squawks. He gets a real kick out of hiding in hedges and mimicking a crow or maybe a car horn. It’s pretty much impossible not to hate this bird as soon as he opens his fucking beak. 

Color: Bright yellow and whatever. I hate this guy.

Bird Region: North America

🦅🦅🦅

Read all about this and other avian asshats from around the world in my latest book:

Cactus Wretch This noisy little shit of the desert Southwest is quite active, always posturing with wings and tail all fanned out, eating spiders and wasps, scolding other birds, and hopping all around in the scrub brush and cacti... if you didn’t know better you would suspect that it’s high on drugs.

Their “song” sounds a lot like an old car with a bad starter, and if you see a wad of plant fiber that looks like someone lost an old hairy football in a cactus, you’ve probably spotted a nest.

This is the state bird of Arizona, which pretty much says it all.