#hypergamous mindset

turns out i need to work on receiving and accepting support better.

oh the irony.

this is probably the result of being hyper-independent and living in survival mode for years.

nevertheless, if i want to fully embody the woman i envision in my head, i must learn to be comfortable, open and receptive to receiving from provider men.

she mentioned it because one of the main comments she saw under videos about grede was "well emma can do that because she's married to a powerful european man"

and i'm just over here like "is that NOT what we're suppose to be doing? i thought that's what we were doing." 😅

for years, i tried to enter into this world externally through clothes, trips, performance.

but internally:

my sleep schedule was unstable. my hydration was inconsistent. my gut wasn't regulated. my appearance required effort instead of just maintenance. i was never prepared to travel on short notice.

so when the opportunities came, my mind said yes —

but my nervous system experienced it as stress.

so this phase isn't about doing what i did before.

it's about building the foundation that will allow my body to remain in the lifestyle instead of just visiting.

there will be changes. there will be systems. there will be a new baseline.

being around these women have opened my eyes to so much - mainly by [indirectly] showing me how much i fucked up my life so heed my warning:

if you're on any kind of level up journey — glow up, becoming her, hypergamy, whatever you want to call it, it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that you are ruthless with who and what you give your time to. especially if you're starting far from the goal line of where you want to be. glow ups take time. moving into new circles and establishing yourself in new environments takes time. creating and building a new mindset/habits takes time. most of your time has to be given to yourself, not to other people. because not only do you give up your time, but you're also giving up your energy — which has to be replenished —which will take time.

there's a chapter in the 48 laws of power where robert greene talks about staying away from people that seem to always have bad luck befalling onto them. i want to expand that by saying: also stay away from people that are committed to living small lives or believe that their lives can never be big. especially if you want to live a luxury life, a soft life. otherwise you may wake up one day and realize that you didn't just tolerate their small lives — you inherited it.

but here is the most painful truth: sometimes the people who slow you down are not malicious. they may love you. they may want you to succeed. they may be sincere. they may even mean well. but sincerity does not cancel out impact. people who constantly need rescuing, require constant emotional labor, constant attention, or constant stability from you will drain the very time and energy that is required to build the ladder to your next level. intention does not change outcome. if someone's needs or life consistently keeps you anchored to where you are and that's not where you want to be — then they are costing you — whether they mean to or not.

this is why boundaries and distance is not always cruel; sometimes they're the only reason a life moves forward at all. you cannot build a bigger life while being the infrastructure for everyone else's smaller one. the life you want will never stabilize if you keep volunteering to stabilize everyone else's. expansion becomes impossible the moment you agree to live as everyone else's support system — because you cannot rise if you're always positioning yourself as the ground others can fall onto.

the biggest lesson i'm learning from these women is that they delegate. they delegate like it's the cure. they delegate like there's no tomorrow.

i remember when i told The Queen™ (of this group) that The Strategist™ told me that I should begin hiring "assistance".

i actually thought this woman was going to be as confused as i was but she just softly laughed and agreed with her.

i don't come from a world where you hire "assistance". in the world i come from you either were the help or you just handled it yourself, so for me, hearing that i should begin hiring, (or at least thinking about it), is a bit jarring.

even though i know she's right.

so i started to look at this from a different perspective. and i realized that they're not simply "putting things off on other people" because they're lazy or they don't want to deal with it;

they're doing it because they don't believe in showing how much they can endure.

or being the workhorse. the strong, independent woman. and they definitely don't believe in being the mule.

and as a black woman, (especially one who's been caregiving), this hit home and hit a nerve all at the same time.

i remember when being seen as "the strong, independent black woman", stopped being such a compliment and something to be proud of. i remember when groups of black women began saying publicly to stop calling us that. i didn't quite understand it at first (perhaps i was too young) but i get it now:

being seen that way doesn't just overwork you or puts you at risk of being overworked — it erases your right to be delicate, supported and protected.

or as i was told: "when you are seen carrying everything, you will be treated as someone who should carry everything."

it's one of the reasons why you have so many men grow up thinking that women should handle everything: because they watched their mothers do it.

and these women avoid that at all costs.

i thought they delegate so much because they're trying to protect their time.

but it's deeper then that.

There’s a version of the soft life that gets sold everywhere.

Bags. Shoes. Spa days. Trips.

Pretty. Expensive. Very photogenic.

And I understand why. I’ve lived it. It's lovely. And it photographs beautifully.

But none of that is a soft life.

It’s decoration.

It’s what you add after softness already exists.

Most of us know this, even if we don’t say it out loud.

We know that it's deeper than that.

And most of us think the foundation of a soft life is peace. Rest. Time. Healthy habits. Healing.

All important. All necessary.

But still — not the foundation.

A soft life doesn’t begin with luxury items. It doesn’t even begin with peace.

It begins with resources. It begins with support. It begins with not being the one who has to hold everything together.

Real softness isn’t about whether you can rest.

It’s about whether you can rest without your anxiety buzzing in the background, worrying that something will collapse while you’re asleep.

Healthy food is wonderful. Rest is essential. Peace is sacred.

But who is protecting that peace?

Who is handling the problems while you sleep?

Because if you are the one sourcing everything, fixing everything, anticipating everything, absorbing every crisis — that isn’t softness.

That’s hustling.

Just wrapped in Loro Piana.

privileged few.

if you’re into hypergamy, curious about the lives of the rich and wealthy, or you just like hearing advice from someone who genuinely lives inside that world, her channel is worth checking out. (she comes from rich parents). she understands dynamics most people only speculate about — because she’s not standing outside the club trying to get in.