#horatio

Hamlet, to Ophelia: “My soul’s idol”

Hear me out:

Hamlet is gay and this is an open secret in Denmark. Not only are Hamlet and Horatio sickeningly in love, Hamlet is too physically affectionate with him in front of Marcellus and Bernardo, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern laugh at the idea Hamlet isn’t attracted to men, Gertrude is surprised Hamlet is sending a girl love letters, etc.

But as Laertes points out, Hamlet can’t follow his heart and must think of all of Denmark (so, the closet)

Ophelia is a lesbian, but her father is incredibly controlling and will expect to marry her off, so she tries to convince him that she and Hamlet are in love so she can have a lavender marriage with the gay prince of Denmark, someone who wouldn’t force sex on her, would allow her to improve her social station, and whom she genuinely likes and who likes her

(I also suspect Ophelia and Hamlet cared enough about each other that they actually tried dating and that’s how they both realized they were both too gay for them to work as more than friends, so a lavender marriage is a good solution for both of them, though this is speculation based on “I did love you once”)

Ophelia is a much better actress than Hamlet is when it comes to concealing her sexuality, which is why Polonius is probably the only one in Denmark who doesn’t realize the Prince is gay, and even Hamlet gets confused by Ophelia’s act when he doesn’t know Polonius is watching

Bonus: Rosencrantz (a social climber) is Hamlet’s ex (“you once did love me”) and probably told Guildenstern this (thus the laughter) which Hamlet would consider a betrayal (and I’m not gonna speculate about whether Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are a couple given that they’re joined at the hip, but it works either way)

First, the entire play now makes way more sense:

All of Hamlet’s gay shit with Horatio, obviously (Hamlet says they’re soulmates and they literally have a Romeo and Juliet ending - I could go on and on here)

Hamlet and Ophelia both behave way differently when they know they’re being observed than they do when they think they are alone - Hamlet is only misogynistic and lewd when he thinks he’s being watched and Ophelia is pretty much constantly being monitored - the exception being after her controlling father dies when she cuts loose and becomes a totally different person overnight - Ophelia doesn’t go mad, she’s free

Why Polonius is shown spying on Laertes at all (to establish he’s a shitty controlling father)

Why literally nobody believes Hamlet is in love with Ophelia, except eventually Polonius (but only after a lot of effort from Ophelia and Hamlet)

Why Hamlet thinks Polonius is stupid

Why Polonius had Ophelia’s “love letter” from Hamlet in the first place (and why it directly addressed his doubts about the relationship, which Ophelia never actually expressed herself) aka Ophelia and Hamlet intentionally set him up and the letter was always intended for Polonius

This also explains why Ophelia’s love letter contains lots of the same things Hamlet verbally tells Horatio privately, but Hamlet never once indicates to Ophelia he loves her when they are unobserved by others

Why Hamlet’s private letter to Horatio has sexual flirting in it but the one intended for Polonius is chaste despite all Hamlet’s publicly lewd comments about Ophelia

Gertrude’s support of Hamlet’s marriage to Ophelia even though she doesn’t have sufficient social status (because at least Hamlet is interested in a girl)

Hamlet repeatedly telling Ophelia to go to a convent (aka where lesbians go) makes way more sense if he’s genuinely confused why a known lesbian is acting like she genuinely wants to marry him in the first place

Hamlet talking about how he can’t change who he is and all the sinning (aka gay sex) he does/fantasizes about, because he knows that Ophelia knows he’s gay and Hamlet talks about it like she should already understand this

Hamlet suddenly figuring out Polonius is there based purely on how weird Ophelia is acting

Hamlet telling Ophelia comphet won’t save her after he realizes she set him up and Polonius was listening (and he’s speaking from experience here - this is shortly after being laughed at by Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, even after all the hard work he’s put into publicly selling his relationship with Ophelia)

Hamlet lamenting about the pain of “despis’d love” makes way more sense when it’s about homophobia than it does about Ophelia not liking him when she pretty clearly does like him in all their interactions and even when she returned his letters she said it was because she didn’t think he liked her

Ophelia being unphased by the nunnery scene and still being super chill around Hamlet afterwards - she protests his sexual advances to appease her father but is still being visibly cuddly with him in public (since they both know both scenes were staged for others’ benefit, and the lavender marriage is still on)

Hamlet having zero regret for killing Ophelia’s shitty controlling father

Hamlet’s strong feelings of betrayal about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Horatio switching from formal ‘you’ to informal ‘thee’ only after he can’t out Hamlet anymore since literally everyone is dead

Second, it’s also a way more interesting play:

Ophelia has agency - she’s found a way to a better life for herself and she outsmarts Polonius by playing dumb

Ophelia, Hamlet, and to an extent Horatio get to play two things at once whenever they are being observed - the real conversation they are trying to have (e.g. stop trying to please your father and go to a nunnery to escape heteronormativity! My lavender marriage may have fallen through when Hamlet was sent to England, but if I tell all of you Hamlet took my virtue, then you still can’t marry me off, plus it protects Hamlet!), plus the part they are playing for the straight people around them (I’m a misogynistic crazy straight man! Hamlet’s behavior and my father’s death has driven me mad!)

There’s a highly convincing gay and straight explanation for everything that happens, and the way it’s done is incredibly clever - it’s effectively two shows in one: the one you learned about in English class (that Shakespeare slipped past the Elizabethan censors) and the real queer dynamics underneath, which makes it all the more brilliantly written

Bonus: The fact that Ophelia’s death is off screen reported by Gertrude means there’s ambiguity about whether she took arms against a sea of comphet troubles or if she actually just died as a result of ceasing to give a fuck without her father there or (most fun IMO) the possibility that Gertrude killed her to protect Hamlet because once Ophelia “went mad” she was worried about what Ophelia might reveal about her gay son since Gertrude knew about and was on board with the lavender marriage plan (iirc Polonius also has a line about the lengths Gertrude has gone to protect Hamlet)

Aka the closet is glass

Gertrude: Hamlet I know you want to go back to university (where Horatio is) but I need you here (where Ophelia is)

Hamlet: UGH fine

Hamlet: *sees Horatio* 😍😍😍

Hamlet: uh oh, do I forget myself

Ophelia: Hamlet says he loves me

Laertes: Please don’t believe him - he’s not allowed to follow his heart, he has to do whatever is best for Denmark [babe you are his beard???]

Polonius: Please don’t believe him - the prince can have sexual indiscretions, but you can’t [girl he’s screwing around with guys???]

Hamlet: *sees his father’s ghost*

Horatio: Stop! What if it’s dangerous??

Horatio: *physically holding Hamlet back* I can’t let him hurt you

Polonius: Hamlet wrote Ophelia this love letter

Gertrude: Really? Hamlet??? 🤨

Polonius: Yeah it says “I’m totally in love with you, babe, I swear, why don’t you believe me?”

Polonius: But don’t worry, I know she isn’t in a good enough social sphere to marry him

Gertrude: Wait no I want Hamlet to marry literally any girl Ophelia actually

Gertrude: God wouldn’t it be great if Hamlet was acting so weird because he thought a girl was hot

Hamlet, to Polonius: *cishet voice* Better lock up your hot daughter so I don’t get her pregnant, amirite fellow straight dude 👉😎👉

Hamlet, to his friends: I don’t like men

Hamlet: WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING

Hamlet: The pangs of despised love are too much to bear 😢

Hamlet: Hey hottie! Did you pray for my sins lol

Ophelia: Here are your love letters back

Hamlet: I gave you no such thing

Ophelia: You did though???

Hamlet: haha, are you serious? …You’re hot? Ok, like, yes, I did—

Ophelia: You made me believe you loved me

Hamlet: Oh you should not have believed that, I did NOT

Ophelia: I was deceived 😭

Hamlet: Girl, heterosexuality is a scam, go be a lesbian or a nun or a whore or something, why do you want to be a breeder? Also do you have any idea how much sinning I do? I am picturing so much gay sex that I literally don’t have time to do it all in one lifetime.

Hamlet: Oh shit, is your father spying on us?

Hamlet: Fuck, uhhhh ok ok ok

Hamlet: Listen girl, even if you perfectly perform society’s heterosexual bullshit, they will still talk shit about you, so just go to a nunnery/brothel/whatever, or at least don’t marry an asshole like me

Hamlet: Also since your father is listening, uhh, here’s a bunch of toxic misogynistic bullshit!! And uh, you are the reason for my (fake) madness, just like he suspected!!! Ok bye! ✌️

Claudius, who was listening: Wow, I guess Hamlet doesn’t swing that way

Hamlet: Horatio!!! 😍

Horatio: Sweet Lord 😍

Horatio: My dear Lord 😍

Hamlet: I love you so much that my (female) soul is bonded to you

Hamlet: I love how you are not passion’s slave, like how could I not fall in love with you

Hamlet: …I made it too gay again, didn’t I?

Hamlet: *Loudly making sex jokes about Ophelia now that they’re in public again*

Horatio: *gets a letter* Literally nobody else would be writing to me except Hamlet

Hamlet: I need you to run to my side as fast as if you were running from death itself

Horatio: *Takes off running*

Hamlet, in private: Oh shit, Ophelia died?

Hamlet, in public: *leaps into her grave proclaiming his love for her as loudly as possible*

Hamlet: *is poisoned*

Hamlet: I am dead, Horatio

Horatio: And I’m like those (famously gay) ancient Romans

Horatio: *tries to drink poison after Hamlet is killed, Romeo and Juliet style*

Hamlet: *has to physically wrestle the cup out of Horatio’s hands*

Hamlet: If you ever loved me, you will survive this pain for me ❤️

Horatio: Now cracks a noble heart 💔

Horatio: Good night, sweet prince ❤️