#hard goodbyes

Such a sad but beautiful scene

You never know when the last time,

will be the last time.

I love you and I'm sorry.

Hurting was never part of the plan.

Today you texted and I felt emotions,

Emotions I had been holding back.

I’m thinking about you at night again,

the urge to text you,

to tell you how my day was,

Instead of pretending I’m tough, unbothered, heartless.

So, why?

 Oh why do I have to turn off my emotions to protect the both of us?

Hold back the urges to text you?

Even though, I know there is no future for us?

I had to tell you there was no us and yet I’m thinking about you again,

I stopped thinking about you but you made me think again.

I was never equipped to feel these blue clouds over my head 

Tonight I was reading my journal from two summers ago at camp. It was the summer I fell in love with my co-leader but it was so easy and pure that I had no idea that I was in love. I have a history of falling in love at summer camp and not realizing it. The first time I really fell in love was at summer camp. 

In reading my journal it is so easy to see how in love we were. In almost every entry I say how great she is or how much I love her. I write about her reaching for my hand while we walked together and her hands on my hips, pulling my body into hers. Within days of meeting each other, it felt like we had been happy together our whole lives. 

At camp there is no way for the pressures of the outside world to seep in. There are no drunken hook-ups at parties. No kissing surrounded by loud music and flashing lights. No pressure to text and reply. At camp we just were, together. We fell in love the way children do. We shared late night conversations about our histories in our first week of knowing each other. We curled up under one sleeping bag every night because I foolishly forgot mine. We sat on the beach  and eviscerated ourselves in front of each other; our insides spilling out and becoming tangled together. 

I never thought about kissing her, or fucking her, or any of that. I just knew how I felt when we were together and I loved it. We never wanted to be apart. One day I was listing my to do list out loud. “I have to do my laundry and then go mail a letter.” After I finished she corrected me saying, “So you mean we have to go do your laundry and mail a letter.” I chuckled and she said “Yeah we don’t like to be apart.” 

Our codependence evolved from being tasked with caring for 12 girls in the wilderness. Our shared priority was our campers and with that base we could be confident that the other one would always always be there, no matter what. When she had to leave camp three days early, it tore me wide open. I was on the verge of tears all day and, it felt like, for the rest of camp. Even my kids sensed my sadness. They often asked if I was missing her. The pain of her departure was so great that even the end of camp paled in comparison. When everyone was crying and saying their goodbyes on our last night, I felt oddly at peace. She was, by far, my hardest goodbye.  

Soon after camp she started a new job and met the man who seems to be her soulmate. His name is Jack and he has a big smile. She is in love with him and I think they’ll spend their lives together. It didn’t hurt that she found someone. In fact, I’m incredibly happy for her but the intensity of our relationship that summer will not be something I forget.

You've swallowed me whole...

Ripped the stitches that held me together

And now my forever feels cold.

Feeling like I missed the bus to happiness

And I can tell how wrong she is

by how mad she gets

There are no coincidences

It's no accident

And shes mad at me

And I'm crash and dent

Vastly spent

You say we're supposed to be a team...

Yeah you talk a great game

but never catch you at any practices

Broken because she keeps going

Back to them

So,

I gave up...

she won't do the work

To save us

after all the lies and the hurt

and the desire that burns

I confided in her

Gave up my life

A meaningless sacrifice

See you in the afterlife

Ooh ...

Look how soft my coffin is

There's no solidness

No mindfulness

and no consciousness

Outta sight outta mind

No follow up

To all those promises

Standing on the bluffs

Sick of this life

I'm calling in....

Laying low underneath

her battery powered halo

Until my shoulders are strong again

Carrying the weight of all this shit

Adding to the world

already on top of him

But I am STRENGTH incarnate

Made from the same energy

That kept our stars lit

Wondering how the people

that have never had love...

Could be so quick to discard it.

Smoke thru the lonely parts

Exhale the garbage

Inhale the stars in this cartridge

Used to go to the bar

When id get hard hit

Now I put whats left

of this scarred heart

into my vocal arts

To combat the darkness in him....