#guyaches

i. I’m glad I never let a high school boy lay a finger on me. ii. I know this girl, who knew this girl, who talked to this other girl, and she said that my stock is only worth the bull that plowed through it. That the wolf whistles are a sticky type of applause, but applause all the same. She said my skin can be adorned in gold from the grip of men with spit-slicked lips; that they’re hungry for a handful… iii. “You gotta make him feel like a man, honey. Sometimes, it’s good to feed his ego.” Why are you bleeding? “Sometimes, you need to know your place.” Isn’t it supposed to feel good? “It’s more pleasurable to give him pleasure.” Why are you crying? “Yeah, it hurts, but men like how tears look in a girl’s eyes…he says I’m prettier that way.” iv. …Let them starve then. v. I want him under me while he’s lying on top of me. I want names in hushed whispers. I want honey-scented candles. I want to see god in an alley. I want love that doesn’t require having to strain my eyes. I want I want I want I want something I want I want-don’t make me say it- i want i want-fuck-i want i want- vi. I want something I’ve never had. A type of bliss I get on my own because I don’t know if I’m good enough to receive it from someone else. The type of conversation that can only be had in hushed whispers at sleepovers. I want, but I don’t truly know why. vii. I just want someone to want me…something that I’ve been learning to do on my own.

Can we just fall in love again without bringing the past? I’ll forget the heartbreak and I’ll pretend the all the scars were there because I fell down the stairs if you forget all the mistakes I done, how I take this love for granted and all the poetry I’ve written that weren’t always kind. They were never kind. Not to you and not even to me. Let’s experience the things that makes us fall in love with each other again. Let’s saw each other face and smile instantly, how warm traveled all over me when I saw that light in your eyes. Let’s have those midnight phone calls and just skip sleep altogether. Tell me everything again like you never told me before. I’ll throw away the fears. I’ll throw away the “how many other girls he’s done this to”, the “I should reply this longer than he takes to reply”, the “I should talk to other boys so I don’t look so in love with him” Because time is running out. It keeps blowing strikes to me at heart. Each a reminder of how I let this go. How I let my soul learn how to get used to all these spaces between us. When all I ever wish was skin on skin. So let’s just fall in love again. Tenderly. Innocently. Quickly. Recklessly. Boldly. Bravely. Like we never hurt each other. Don’t mind the scars. We can save each other later. Let’s just fall in love again.

I. Choke up the depression Feel it shape-shift to mania in your larynx You’re drinking bottled happiness now II. Find someone that scares you more than you scare yourself Rip your own heart out of your chest and put it in her hands You’ll only feel real when it hurts III. You’ll be a mirror The girl that dropped out of physics— Bend her light through your focal point Show her what she wants but does not need Your friends will say nothing about the bruises They all know reflected images are not real IV. Sink deep into your own body Search For the soul you convinced yourself was never really there to begin with Sickness eats at your brain and shreds the lining of your stomach Self diagnose, self medicate, self destruct V. Tell the boy in gym class about the pills you pop on the weekend Two years later he’ll crash his car rolling on the same prescription Shatters his ulna on the driver’s side window Quit those and started abusing his adderall Another casualty left in your wake VI. Continue to avoid yourself Internal monologue is canceled today Drown out any remnants of thought with music louder than your lungs when they scream for nicotine VII. Today you’re the cool girl in all black Tomorrow you’ll wear tie dye and soften your voice Spending the day wondering if your bisexuality is an excuse to ignore the burning need to find your identity VII. Music can’t drown out the intrusive thoughts Stay up all night waiting for the floor to fall out from underneath you Justify three days without sleep as a forced shift to mania Realize you’re still wallowing in crippling depression VIII. Switch to uppers IX. Get clean under a microscope when she gets sick of carrying around your arhythmic heart Detox in front of an audience Spend March sweating and shivering Dry heaving in the back corner of the girl’s bathroom between AP literature and AP psychology There’s no time to talk about it X. Spend a year learning to trust again Make progress through regression Hurt your friends See a doctor Keep an untouched bottle of pills on your nightstand Let them pile up month after month Is addiction okay if your name is on the bottle? XI. Become enchanted by the boy in your ceramics class Let him shatter the mirror you hide behind Force yourself to face the tough questions He’ll hold your hand as you navigate the shattered glass Lead him to safety–he doesn’t wear shoes XII. 2 a.m. on a school night and you’re sitting in his car looking up at the stars Wrapped in the blanket he keeps just for you Laughing at nothing and feeling everything This is it This is you And you are enough

i miss my ex what should i do if ur only advice is "dont jj" ill actually kill myself

i. With or without you, that is the question on the table. We gather around it and look at each other expectantly, waiting for the other to break the formidable silence. The tableware gleams proudly as the occupants of smooth, cherrywood chairs gulp from shame. They’ve been here before, all wondering whether or not they dig into the feast; all wondering if they devour their own hair before they lick bones and crunch cartilage. With or without you, make up your fucking mind. ii. He’s a virus; he’s put a fever inside of me. I’ve been tossing and turning in bed for the past six nights. What would once have been a pretty picture of a girl splayed out on black sheets, hands grasping at the free edges, teeth pulling at the cotton fibers of her pillowcase, and drool pooling on the fabric. Has since been turned into a nightmare of clammy hands and sweat-soaked nightgown. I wonder how I could get such a sickness up out of me. If I must force bile to my throat, or sedate my pounding head with an assortment of chalky, white pills. There is the chance that he could spread throughout my entire body, take refuge inside every crevice. Burn me inside out, turn my insides into molten candle wax. iii. Why do we obsess over people who fall asleep without the slightest flicker of our smile in their thoughts? He exists on multiple different planes, and I am left to rip myself apart in order to keep up with all the different versions of himself. But how am I to keep up with own myself then? iv. To have lived; to have touched, to have seen your dark sides and gotten lost, that would’ve been an awfully big adventure. v. But to survive, with or without you, is a question I am not up for answering today. So I usher all the different fractions of myself out of the dining hall, and leave the main course to become cold and untouched.

i. Call it beating a dead horse, but I’ll call it ripping your house apart in order to find the missing piece to the puzzle that you can’t seem to put down until it’s completed. Basically, I need answers. ii. I have an insatiable hunger for a lot of things: power, money, glory, adoration, pleasure, adrenaline. Once upon a time, I had an insatiable hunger for you too. But out of all of these forms of gluttony my undeniable thirst for knowledge has yet to be quenched. And, darling, I’ll rip you to shreds to get a taste of what you know. iii. You’re a Libra. Libras are fickle in love. iv. You liked me at one point in time; I’ll put money it. But that’s not enough. It’s not enough to just know by intuition. I need to hear those words come out of your mouth. I need your confirmation in black and white. v. 1. I know you felt it too when we locked eyes. 2. You said something about prom, you said something and everyone was so juvenile about it. You said something and you won’t admit to it. (You should’ve just asked me again.) 3. You helped me with my hair, but maybe that’s just a fond memory rather than a piece of evidence. 4. Why would you just tell me you had a crush on someone? A girl that you just met? And why would you refuse to tell me when I asked who if it was just her?  How did you want me to respond? How did you expect me to react? 5. My eyes are up here, darling, why’d you get so tongue tied when you got caught staring? vi. (I made mistakes. Maybe if I had just heard what you said on that cold night. Maybe if I had just questioned you a little further when you told me about her. Maybe if I had just told you when I knew I had a chance. Maybe…yeah, maybe.) vii. It’s ok if you’ve moved on. It’s fine if you don’t return my feelings anymore; I can’t tell you that I still like you. To be honest, I don’t know what I feel anymore nowadays. I just need to know: When you’d see me smile, did your heart race just a little faster? viii. I hope you find this. I hope you read every single word, and you go back over them twice. I hope you pick up your phone; I hope you pick up your phone and you call me. I hope you pick up your phone and give me a fucking answer.

how do i text my ex and tell him he aint shit but i still love him

ur a dumb