#emptygrl

i stare at my bed and wonder if you remember the softness of my blanket. if you can remember how it felt to fall.

i sit down on the floor and stare at the wall, trying to pretend like i don’t exist.

11pm

here’s to the endless winter in my heart. to the clutter in my mind that’s not really worth organizing, to the smoke in my lungs that i can’t seem to get rid of. the only thing i can see is my heart, bleeding like it’s been broken. i suppose it has been.

12am

i’m still on the floor but now i’m staring at the ceiling. the lights are off but the window is open, and the streetlights are illuminating the tears that aren’t really on my cheeks. i pretend they are, so that i can feel some kind of normalcy. i wish for your lips against mine, or maybe i just want the streetlights to shine on my heart.

1am

now, i decide, is the only time to clean out my heart. i need to keep my mind off of you but as i open my heart the only things i can find are things that remind me of you. it hurts so much to be tired of living, nothing seems worth it anymore.

2am

is it really this late? why did you leave me? when did it get so late? why wasn’t i good enough? why can’t you love me? i should probably sleep, but i’m distracting myself like when i used to hide in the bathroom after someone yelled at me. hiding from things that scare me is nothing new, like how i never look in the mirror because i’m scared i’ll see everything that made you leave.

3am

everything is distorted now. it looks like i’m in a movie, but somehow i’m stuck. i can’t stop seeing your face in everything beautiful, and now it’s not beautiful anymore. my arms still wrap around the empty spaces you used to take up and every time my hands meet air my stomach aches. it’s like you made me think we had something just to turn around and walk away.

4am

i can feel the way the rain hits my still open window, and it gives me some clarity. this is my only sense of peace in a universe of confusion, and i’m thankful for it. the rain understands me, and i’m surrounded by an entire room full of flowers. you.

5am

i sit under my window and rest my head against the cool glass. i can hear cars below me and the swaying of the fire escape outside. i wish i could be holding your hand but i know that i can never do that. we probably won’t ever be the same shade of pink again, if we ever were. i don’t think the cityscape in my peripheral vision will ever do you the justice you deserve but i’ll always think of you when i see that one building that’s not taller than the rest but not shorter than the rest, either.

6am

i’m drowsy and i drown myself in my phones brightness as i listen to sad music to achieve some kind of catharsis. i reach for my pillow but it’s just a cloud against a horizon of sorrow, a star in a sea of unbelonging. and in my heart i know you never loved me, it just wasn’t there. it was never enough and maybe i could have done more to get you to stay, but do i really want to force something that will always end in hurt?

7am

i don’t sleep much anymore, and i can’t blame you but it’s your fault. i dream of you during the day and it’s almost like we’re together again, like i’m half happy in a world with and without you. is this what it feels like to grow up? growing up is the way we learn the world isn’t always toothy smiles when you see a cute puppy, or wrapped in a rainbow thought process. it’s kind of just existing. and sometimes existing hurts.

8am

i’m suddenly aware of my eyes and it’s unsettling how heavy they feel. i heave as my lungs collapse around themselves and, unbeknownst to me, crush the idea of you in my soul. it’s like you’re next to me in my mind, but not in reality. in reality you’re far away and as far away as you are you’ll always be here with me. i’ll look for you in every other person i love, always look for soft hair and pink lips, and that will always hurt because it was just disproportionate feeling for us. sorry.

9am

i’m completely gone now and i wonder when i realized we’d shifted. it’s not an exact time or place and it’s unsettling because it happened. we both know there was a point where you stopped feeling anything for me. maybe i’ve always wanted to believe the world could be good enough for people that feel too much, but it’s not. as i comfort myself and decide i should stop getting lost in the clutter of my mind and heart, i hope that you’re okay. it’s the first time in a while that i’ve thought about how hard it must have been for you to tell me how you felt, and that’s why you waited so long to rip my heart out. you cared about me, even if it wasn’t the same way, and i’ll always love you for it but we know it was never enough. we were never enough for us and that’s just how the world works sometimes. we’ll be okay eventually, and it takes time to heal, so i’ll hold your hand in my mind until i forget what it’s like to want to kiss you.