#4marya

i’ve been spending so much money on gas, driving around aimlessly trying to distract myself from thinking about you. i roll my windows down, turn my music up, put on my sunglasses, light a cigarette, and i just drive. but no matter how long and far i drive, every song on this playlist reminds me of you. i can’t stop seeing flashes of your face, your lips, your smile. i can’t stop remembering that fucking kiss, the way you touched my cheek, the way you looked at me. today i got a tattoo just because i needed to feel something other than you. i can’t really say i could afford it, but i needed to feel alive. maybe i should stop spending so much… plus, i’ve been spending so much money on gas.

The smoke in my lungs used to numb the constant unforgiving dread of tomorrow but over time the sensation faded, the cold of the outside world crept back into my life. I wanted new ways to stop the tinnitus-like pain ringing in the back of my brain but nothing ever made up to those few short seconds of chemical bliss. The cutting worked. The feeling of the essential fluid of my body seemed like a cure beyond normal understanding but it comes with a heavy burden of wearing long sleeves to hide the marks of freedom but I couldn’t maintain the constant upkeep of warm clothing. I can’t feel the cold it’s not fair. I feel like there’s an furnace cooking away at my organs and the cold keeps it from eating away at my whole being. That heat stopped when my wrist bled from the metallic touch of little thing. What a simple relief that that blessed piece of metal caused. It gave me the idea for just a moment I could feel better and made all my problems void. those few short moments was what I lived for, what drove me to get home. What kept me from the edge of insanity.

how does it feel to know that i am infinitely yours? that the stars have aligned just so you and i could cross paths. that a small piece of our hearts can be interchanged and still work just the same. we are not two halves of a whole but to wholes that felt like halves when they were apart.

i still think about you, still love you, still miss you, still care about you. our lives are so different now, we haven’t spoken in so long i have forgotten how my name sounds coming from your mouth. everyone says it’s your last love that’s the most important, but my first love was the one that taught me the most about myself. it showed me my capacity to love and how hard it is to let go of someone. it’s not true, by the the way. if you love something and let it go hoping that one day it will come back to you, “when the time is right”, it won’t. it will stay gone. the truth is, time goes by and they stop waiting and you’re stuck hoping. then 3-4 years later you think back on what could’ve been and then you realize what is.