especially if it’s something

you are passionate about

- how your eyes light up

and your whole demeanor glows

and your hand waves about animatedly

and you are so into your speech

that nothing else penetrates your mind

and you are beautiful

just like that

so so beautiful

just like that

im stomaching a lot of caffeine on wednesdays and also trying to meditate

my moms spilling with grief this week and I'm spinning towards 24 : the way time moves leaves us both nauseous.

i love you,

i love you,

I love you.

a statement , a demand, a list. It's there.

my moms scared that dream-like waves will flood this city and I will not escape it, but I have been treading water since I was 4 years old.

“I'll be fine mama. were inland, I'm lucky you worry.”

she doesn't fully understand.

It merges

And you can see the threads

You can see them in your stream

And you can filter them out

And you can add the new ones

Ready for my last hit.

Pipe loaded, that feeling grows.

It's the last hit.

Anticipation, anxiety, adrenaline this is it.

Ready for my last hit.

No more bags will I order.

It's my last hit.

Make it count, prep my lungs...

Taking this last hit...

Snap, crackel, pop!

I'm gunna feel this last hit,

Filling up my lungs!

Don't waste this last hit!

Hold, hold, just one more!

Exhaling my last hit.

Eyes shut to feel

Nothing but my last hit.

Worked up for nothing.

Damnit, that's my last hit!

I told myself no more,

But I just want one last hit...

Inside my mind lives a demon or two.

Their names would not make sense to you.

I try to quiet their voices constantly.

Their words forever create despondency.

I wish I had a lock and key.

I would certainly never let them free.

I'd never let them out again.

I could finally find my Zen.

That's a wish I don't know can come true.

I've actually never wrote about you...

Hmmm I wonder why.

I've written about my feelings and how you've affected me....

But never about you, the Monster, the one who made me feel those things.

I didn't want to acknowledge you.

I don't feel like you're deserving.

Actually, I know for a fucking fact, that you certainly are not worthy...

Worthy of the words I write.

Worthy of the words I speak.

You are nothing but a fuckin Monster, ugly as can be.

You fucked up my young adulthood, and no one gives a shit.

You made my life a living Hell...

You pitted others against me,

You knew just how to fuck me up, because you are the one fucked up.

A simple piece of shit.

The scum that is forlorn.

You didn't know anything else but your actions aren't forgiven.

You're forever affected by the life you had.

You have no fucking clue.

Fuck you.

You weren't groomed to have a fucking clue.

You were created to destroy.

That is all you know.

You know no other way.

Because of that, you are a fucking Monster.

I can't get back those 4 fuckin years...

It will forever haunt me.

I hope you burn in fuckin hell.

Goodbye to you.

Sitting in the car, looking out the window

It’s raining, and cars go by

I think I finally released something that has been weighing me down

For longer than anything else

And I felt the pain and the weight of the world lift off my shoulders

My eyes streaming down my face but I feel at peace

I just want a dog and I just want to write

Even if it wasn’t from before

Even if it’s new

Childhood should not dictate who we want to be tomorrow or today