#fissures

To preface, I'm not looking for advice. I've had enough almost for a lifetime at this point, and I'm overwhelmed and tired.

I've just been really feeling the weight of my condition today. I'm having to confront the fact that the plans for later this summer that I've had since several summers ago are no longer something I can participate in. I can't go to coffee shops. I can't go to libraries. I can't get a job. I can't finish school, even if I wanted to.

I've been told I'm getting better. That I don't need surgery. That it will heal on its own. It's been a year and a half since this began. It's been 6 1/2 months since I had to quit my job. It's been 5 1/2 months since I had to stop singing for gigs. I know I'm better than I was. But to not have a timeline... to feel like I've done virtually nothing medically concrete (I've added some things to my diet and started drinking more water) and now it's just.... getting better?

There is no timeline. Whenever it stops hurting, supposedly I'm "done". But it's common for the problem to return. So, what? I live in fear of every trip to the restroom I take? I live every moment as if it could return and put me back in this bed? I'm not even OUT of this bed yet. But I'm already worried about being back in it.

What if I never get out to begin with? What if I do, but it's not long enough to be anything but a cruel joke?

I'm trying to stay upbeat. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to make it through. But God, you guys, I'm tired. I'm really, really tired. And I would just really love it if the pain would go away so that I could live again. But I don't know that I'll ever be able to live as freely as I could before.

Will this dark cloud keep chasing me my whole life? Right now, it's hard to say...

.

I honestly feel like this song describes my journey really well. It resonates with me so much. If you forced yourself to slog through that whole thing, please treat yourself to this pretty song: