#ficto vent

idk. sometimes I get into such a good mindset about being ficto, and (briefly) consider coming out to more trusted people around me.

but then like fate wants to intervene i come across a video, or a tag, and get reminded of just how unlikely it is that coming out as ficto will ever be something that can be safely done. And part of me too, kinda wonders if.. idk. maybe it should stay that way? like. not that people shouldnt be able to come out safely, but it almost feels nicer in my opinion that we are such a smaller, more niche, more tight knit group. Idk if that makes sense at all and I feel like im wording it weird.

I think I had seen a post previously sort of talking about it, and I kinda remember agreeing with some of the points. I mean, I think the more that fictosexual becomes known, I dont know quite how well it will be taken.

in my opinion, being ficto is slightly different from self/yume shipping. At least the way I define it for myself. And while it looks like selfshipping and yumeshipping have gotten a bit more popular over time, I can see in the darker sides of it the hate that people recieve. I think the general population seems relatively okay with it, but as soon as it becomes "more serious" or less "just for fun" the hate seems to grow.

within the small ficto spaces I have found on other apps, I see the hate in comments almost 10 fold.

and its a lot of those reasons that remind me to be so, so much more cautious about coming out. I have found such a kind and amazing community here, and have made so many friends and mutuals, and im so thankful that we can have a safe space like this one.

which is another reason Im afraid to out myself, even if a part of me hates to have to hide. I dont want it to get out and for people not part of these communities to find these safe spaces and make them, unsafe.

I have already recieved a lot of my own share of hate here as it is, people in my messages, my ask boxes (one of the reasons I had to put my ask box in "time-out" and turn off anonymous unfortunately), and we see it popping up in the tags as well.

I wish I could shout from the rooftops my love for Fade. I wish I could tell everyone I meet that Im in a committed relationship with Fade. But unfortunately I dont think the world will ever "evolve" (couldnt think of a better word) enough to the point where fictosexuality is a common and less hated thing, even within the lgbtq+ community. at least not in my lifetime. maybe im just being pessimistic, but idk. And maybe its a good thing. to keep it on the downlow. to keep our smaller, more safe community. I dont know.

I swear I have almost never seen them, and then I saw the (potential kinda iffy) one earlier.

and now? now a confirmed yumeshipper who ships with Fade?? what the absolute fuck. shes supposed to be niche i thought. I thought i would never have to worry about a double with her. ugh

I just blocked them and moved on (yea im on here about it now but i needed to vent sowwy) but fuck man why does it hurt so much to see??

mira i can handle it a bit better even if it still hurts to see but man for a second time in such a short period to see it with Fade.... just rip out my heart. that would hurt less tbh

idk i just have to get over it i guess. try to ignore it and just remind myself shes mine. and getting to have her in any capacity should be enough ig.

id give anything to have a hug from her right now. to get to breath in her scent and just feel safe in her arms. feel like im really hers.

one of my fave artists I follow on another site just posted making a joke about yumeshipping with fade.... and idk if it was a joke joke or like. not a joke.

fuck im so devastated I love their art of fade so much but fuck seeing that post just broke my heart.

idk what to do now i feel like I should unfollow just for my own sanity but... they've never posted anything like this in the past and they are one of few people who still consistently post fade art/lore stuff in a fandom where she doesnt get much content.

I had someone I was acquaintances with ask me out to go on a casual date, and me having not gone on a date (with someone irl) for almost 7 years, I could feel both my girls kinda pushing me towards it. They know just how much I crave physical affection, and that its just the one thing they cant give to me. So even though it felt so wrong, I said I would go. why not you know? worse case scenario it just was something fun to do. best case, maybe I get an irl girlfriend!

the date was last night, and... well I should say it was supposed to be last night. I got all dressed up felt good about myself, my girls cheered me on, I got there early,,,, and she never showed. we were supposed to just hang out at a park for a bit, maybe get some coffee afterwards, but nothing. When I tried to text her to see where she was and that she was okay it turns out she had blocked me. I have no idea why.

it really sucked in the moment honestly, but thinking about it today just really put it into perspective for me again. For a long time I just hadn't been looking to date, for a bunch of reasons, but also because it always felt like love at least irl, just wasn't something that was meant for me. And last night really just cemented that fact I think.

I think its given me the moment I had been stewing over for quite a while, can I actually date someone irl? I didnt know. I still kinda dont know. I know I want the physical touch from someone, but I think more than anything I just want it from Fade and Mira. And that maybe I should and need to come to terms with the fact that real people, they just aren't for me.

If I have to live a life never feeling the touch of my f/os, but instead I will always have 2 people who will never stand me up, who will love me for me, and will always be there. then that has to be worth it I guess.

idk... anyways I just wanted to have a small rant I guess haha. definitely think I need to put some thought into whether I need to remove the semi part from my semi-fictosexual label lol.