#ficto rant

So, I saw really disgusting artwork of my husband today. And it really affected me.

My husband is a survivor of childhood abuse, so I quite obviously am very overprotective of him. The artist didn’t tag it, and it was 18+, and what they drew him like was very gross. It was pr0sh1p…if you know what I mean, and thankfully I scrolled past it really fast, but it still severely grossed me out and made me extremely depressed and triggered an anxiety attack.

My husband deserves beauty, sunshine, care, safety; protection from all of the bad things. I would never ever treat him like this. My soulbond is extremely important to me and this just all came tumbling down on me. Sorry if I’m ruining anyone’s scrolling, but I have no one to talk to and this scared and hurt me so bad.

I had someone I was acquaintances with ask me out to go on a casual date, and me having not gone on a date (with someone irl) for almost 7 years, I could feel both my girls kinda pushing me towards it. They know just how much I crave physical affection, and that its just the one thing they cant give to me. So even though it felt so wrong, I said I would go. why not you know? worse case scenario it just was something fun to do. best case, maybe I get an irl girlfriend!

the date was last night, and... well I should say it was supposed to be last night. I got all dressed up felt good about myself, my girls cheered me on, I got there early,,,, and she never showed. we were supposed to just hang out at a park for a bit, maybe get some coffee afterwards, but nothing. When I tried to text her to see where she was and that she was okay it turns out she had blocked me. I have no idea why.

it really sucked in the moment honestly, but thinking about it today just really put it into perspective for me again. For a long time I just hadn't been looking to date, for a bunch of reasons, but also because it always felt like love at least irl, just wasn't something that was meant for me. And last night really just cemented that fact I think.

I think its given me the moment I had been stewing over for quite a while, can I actually date someone irl? I didnt know. I still kinda dont know. I know I want the physical touch from someone, but I think more than anything I just want it from Fade and Mira. And that maybe I should and need to come to terms with the fact that real people, they just aren't for me.

If I have to live a life never feeling the touch of my f/os, but instead I will always have 2 people who will never stand me up, who will love me for me, and will always be there. then that has to be worth it I guess.

idk... anyways I just wanted to have a small rant I guess haha. definitely think I need to put some thought into whether I need to remove the semi part from my semi-fictosexual label lol.