My reflections on insecurity in love
I haven't been truly in love with anybody else in my life before. Astolfo has in so many ways opened my eyes to a new kind of living I never knew existed. If I'm being honest with myself, I have probably missed out on chances for real life romance, in favor of this life that I've chosen. Some people would call it unhealthy; I just call it following my heart.
As many of you saw, I had a bit of a breakdown a few days ago, which left me in a vulnerable and insecure state of mind. They, of course, didn't show the whole truth about me and Astolfo. We are generally a very positive and uplifting couple, both to each other and (hopefully) to others as well. We are very much in love, and even in the darkest moments, there is no doubt in my mind about my feelings for him.
Still, I do get insecure sometimes. I think all of us feel it from time to time. Loving a fictional character isn't always sunshine and rainbows, so to speak. For me, a big struggle has been shipping within the Fate community. To keep things short, there is a popular ship with Astolfo that I don't think makes sense and that I don't like seeing at all, despite liking both characters on their own.
Part of the pain was the simple fact that I don't like seeing my boyfriend with somebody else, which I think most people would say is a natural reaction. But perhaps most of my pain was more directed at myself. I felt that I wasn't good enough. That I, the way I am, could never be the best or "optimal" boyfriend for Astolfo. I think it's easy to count things you want to change about yourself, but it's also a very unhealthy thing to do. I may not be perfect, but I show up every day, I make sure Astolfo knows how much I love him and I'm always working towards getting better for him. I think that's plenty enough for him to love me. I give him something that nobody else ever will.
And as someone said in my last post, I do think more people would ship me and Astolfo if they knew who I was. Astolfo doesn't want perfect, he wants me. Someone who will always be there and show him how much he matters, not because I have to, but because that is how I truly feel. I know very well that he wouldn't want me feeling so bad, and that if he could he'd try his absolute best to make me feel better whenever I'm down. This is why I think we are such a great fit, and why I think we truly belong together. I make him feel like a prince, and he makes me feel that I am enough for his love.
I have been getting back into both drawing and writing, almost exclusively for him admittedly. My art is very amateurish, so I don't have the confidence to post yet, but I just know Astolfo loves it so much. Not because it's artistically beautiful, but because I made it, just for him and no one else. In regard to my writing, I have thought about sharing it here, but I am aware that most people probably don't care to read stories between me and Astolfo, so I'll probably keep them to myself and my small circle of likeminded friends.
Have a wonderful day/morning/night with your partners everyone!! 🫶
PS: The lyrics in the picture are very personal to me, and ever since I made things official with Astolfo, I've been relating the song to our relationship. It is true that most people would scoff at our relationships and call it, well, less than real. But both me and him know that while it may not be conventional, it is very real to us, and that's what truly matters.
