#fibromyalia

[i'll follow on my primary, this is a secondary blog]

C) my knees hurt less when my feet and calves aren't just flopping around like they're attached by marionette strings

I'm very small framed, I used to be very fit, quick, flexible & nimble... Massive lover of the gym, I used to ride my bike there and back 2/3 times a week & climbing 1/2 a week at one point too. Very active mother of 3 boys, camping, off roading, DIY, gardening, walking our dog etc In January 2010 I started to get extreme pains in my right hand and fore arm. I couldn't hold things, lost the strength in my grip and was getting shooting pains, craps, pins and needles, numbness, itchy feeling inside the skin and the shakes.  It wasn't all the time but it would come and go regularly. All the normal day to day things you take for granted I was struggling with. Preparing food, walking the dog, walking up stairs, doing my zips up, going food shopping or to market. At one point I couldn't sign my own name! Within a few months because I was using my left hand more the pains also started on that side too. The more I used my hands and arms when they hurt, the more they would hurt... to the point it was and is sometimes 'tearful' to continue. Within 6 months my right side of my body felt like it was giving up completely, my leg started to feel the same, heavy, cramps, pins & needles, shooting pains, itchy feeling, they would jitter loads.. I can't control the jitters. Within a year it now effects all 4 limbs, my life has had to change dramatically even if I didn't want it to. I had no choice. In the beginning, I was so confused to what was happening, the amount of pain  that runs through my body, how incredibly tired it makes you/ me. I never really suffered from extreme heads aches before and now I get migraines that literally knock me off my feet. Daily and weekly tasks all changed too, things like shopping, I can't push a trolley a round a super market and manage a weekly shop. I can't walk that far without my legs starting to really hurt or give way, they are not strong enough to carry me or push the trolley. My arms are not strong enough to carry the bags after shopping. When first being told about the condition I now I have, quite frankly I didn't want to believe it, I'm not really sure why, maybe that was my way of trying not to accept it, in hope it would go away? Nearly 2 years on though, I have learnt and am still learning to. Change the way I do things and try to keep my independence. Try to find work is near on impossible with a condition like mine though, I can not grantee I will always be able to get the the place I am meant to be. Or if I do then what state I will be in. Its not always like this but,  Fibromyalgia really does change your entire life.. I can be honest in the beginning when my children left the house in the morning it was a little bit sad for me, as I knew I wouldn't be that day. To start off with I felt trapped completely, because I didn't understand the condition, I wasn't able to manage the symptoms, I didn't know how to cope with the extreme pain and strange feelings in my limbs.  They say time is a good healer.. ok in this case you understand more, learn more, cope better... I  was so very depressed to start with although I really tried not to be, I went through periods of feeling better and starting to feel like I was getting somewhere, then I would get really ill again and it would set me right back. Not only this, I was so desperate to get better I was taking some many different types of medication, literally trying anything to take the pain & feeling away. I now look back at those months after pretty much stopping all medication and now feel a lot clearer in my head. The meds for me changed me, made my mind foggy, I slept even more than I do now, concentrating was nearly impossible, reading books, reading fast text like subtitle, watching tv screens were all things I couldn't do as they hurt my eyes and made me feel ill. I now only take just two different type of meds, it doesn't take all the pain away but it takes the edge off it  most days. And my legs are not so jittery. The rest, well I am learning to cope with, Change my attitude, carry on in life and just find ways a round things. I now have a wheel chair for days out, I can not begin to tell you or even start to explain how much I didn't want one. I didn't want to accept the fact I needed one when really poorly. But the fact was, I wasn't getting out and about, my stubbornness was not helping me at all.  I have walking sticks and crutches but some days I am lucky enough not to use any, although I never go far without them now. I am trying to become established with my writing & photography, these are things I can work a round when I am poorly and well again.  Any one with FM will tell you that 3/4 or even 5am starts or laying there wide awake are not uncommon. Well I sit at my pc or iMac then, I write or edit pictures... I try to be strict with myself about trying to sleep but it doesn't always work... On the days I feel ok I will work on an idea or set locations & models up. They all are 100% flexible a round me, they have to be. Same as my writing, there are some times days I can not fully type for, even the soft tapping motion makes the small bones inside my hands really hurt, painful to move. These are big no writing days/weeks... I find ways a round still be active 'mum' as much as I can, thankfully my children are young teenagers and would rather be out and about than hang out with 'mum'. I sit down when chopping food, on the days I can't chop veg we eat easy food. I don't worry about what people think now when they knock my door and I'm in my dressing grown at 2pm. (that is rare though) *laughs* Some times I feel like sticking my middle finger up at people that stare at me walking funny, but instead I just smile and carry on. I have enough confidence in my self to now cope with the looks, points... its mainly due to being uneducated about such things. A little bit of sympathy maybe? I love the fact I have a Wheel chair that can get me more out and about, although I'm still learning to cope with this one, I'm getting better. The one thing I have learnt is, that's things could always be worse. Hey shit happens baby, you have to get on. If not, then what? you let the fucker beat you, I think not! Stay Strong x