#failedrelationship

All I have to say is when an iceberg melts into ice water it doesn’t claim it was never an iceberg. Just because you’ve melted into something warmer does not mean you were never a frozen hazard. Just because you might not be as hardened now doesn’t mean you won’t freeze into the only thing you know how to be. Things constantly change, but the way people cave into themselves stays the same, and ice will always feel like ice even after it melts away. You can’t change the character of what was always meant to stay cold.

Tonight, I was called a heartbreaker, but that soul doesn’t realize I’ve yet to find peace. I’m haunted by an old being, a soul that no longer belongs here. Like an old ghost, she keeps haunting me, unwelcomed reminding me of the past when it’s the future I’m trying to aim for. I just want her to let me let her go, to have her no longer search for me in the corners of her life, to no longer set out for the attention that’s no longer hers to hold. I wasn’t the leaving party in this parade, she left me long before I knew how to breathe on my own, and now I’m here, breathing, new air and new coast lines and she knows nothing about who I’ve become. This time I was the heartbreakee, the one who didn’t want to be left. I lived all my life as a heartbreaker until I met her newfound soul, and now all I know is her shadow, that haunts me awake, and jolts me to the reality that can no longer ever exist. She won’t let me find peace and all I want is to move on, to let her go like I’ve been trying so well at, to be happy like I know I can be on my own, because I’ve seen it in this month, my smile rediscovered and my confidence being repaired. But she won’t leave me be, little pieces of her presence pop up in my everyday life, telling me she’s still trying and for what? What she says and what she does, don’t and will never match, I need her to let me let her go. When will she let me find peace? when will she finally let me let her go?

Being without you has been a collection of near misses, shots fired but my head constantly dodging the bullets. We are in a war zone fighting love with out of love, using our memories as ammunition to fire. I keep wondering how we got to this battle zone, with you fighting on the other side with the enemy you promised to never love. The hardest thing about this fight, is watching you pull the trigger at my heart and hearing you still say you’re on my side, words burned into my mind because I wanted so badly to believe you. They say going with your gut is the best way to go, but what if your gut was telling you to leave the girl you thought you loved most, convincing myself that insecurity had got the best of me - I guess the universe knew before I did, that lies and deceit were all part of this game you play, toying with my heart as if it was never something you cherished. I spend my days calculating how many times my heart has stopped and restarted, and I am thankful for the days in beats on even when it shouldn’t. Loving you was painful and mistrusting, near misses recorded on the film strip of memories playing back. And still, I continue to have near misses, every second my heart thinks it wants you to come back.