#freewrite

it’s gotten to the point where i feel physically repulsed by the notion of trading hours of my life on a scheduled basis in spaces that are not cohesive to my principles, feeding/expanding my spirit and appreciation of the world around me, or giving back directly to the community or people in need — purely for monetary gain. previously, i could label the twisting in my gut and dread upon arrival…

i talk all the time about the things i want as if they are outside of my reach or outside the realm of possibility at all, when the reality is that nothing is impossible and nobody here knows any more than i do about what is or isn't possible. that is a great comfort to me, as it means i don't have to listen to anybody about anything that i don't elect to. ever. and as i have found myself increasingly (exponentially) exhausted by having to perform and overperform to be understood and otherwise digestible to the world i have been fooling myself into believing i wanted to go uncovered within, it is with an exhale from the from depths of my being that i release any hope to assimilate the way this world operates into the core of my being at all. that is not to say i am not regularly fascinated by what is happening here; not at all. on the contrary, i find the complexity of experience and the unfathomably unique ways all of existence interweaves and breathes together to be rich beyond any quantifiable unit of measure. there aren't enough words to describe my awe, my love, and my appreciation for being able to be here, to feel the way i feel, think the way i think. but that does not overwrite or superimpose on my objectivity, nor does it make me want to stay. in fact, i think the beauty of this time, of this time at all -- is in the knowing that one day it will all be gone.