'Women in Aviation'

I feel empty and in pain. Not in a way of 'my favourite show ended, what do I do now', but in a way you feel after losing someone important to you. I know it's dramatic, but please, let me sit with my feelings, I've devoted years of my life invested in their story, in their characters, and while I don't hate the finale, I definitely feel kind of betrayed and mislead (especially with GOprime promoting it with a fanart gif of a kiss days before, fanart of them in their South Downs, fanart of our angel and our demon, and it gave us too much hope).

So as an act of my devotion to them, how much I love them as characters, I'm gonna try to understand. So here comes my rant about their final choice (bc majority of us were so disappointed with it).

Please, bear with me, or don't, I'm just letting it all out.

We need to start at the beginning. Or rather, before the beginning. Angel Crowley, happy and free with his creation. So excited to see it develop, see it grow, is told that his project will never see its full extend because it's supposed to be wiped out after being merely a 'fancy wallpaper' for people to watch (fortunately, curious, clever people decided to go into space after all, but that's later).

Of course he's devastated. Imagine starting a project so big, something you love so much and can't wait to see its development, only to be told that it has to disappear. Destroyed, without reaching its full potential. He's sad, he's crushed, he wants answers. Because why?

In looking or answers, he finds out about the design of humans. And realises that they'd be put on Earth, another beautiful creation, and also wiped out just because someone up there said so. They were creating life, creating beauty, for the sole purpose to have it destroyed. So he's angry. He's frustrated. He keeps asking and no one wants to answer. He finds Lucifer and he seems to be the only one that cared, that wanted to give him answers, so he joined him. He was in a battle for freedom, for answers, for purpose. And it cost him his home.

After falling, he realises he would never get answers. But he still wonders. In Eden he thinks he 'made some trouble', encouraging humans to eat the forbidden fruit, saw them being cast out... and immediately starts questioning it.

"What's so wrong about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway?" "Not very subtle of the Almighty, though. A big tree in the middle of a garden with a 'don't touch sign'? Why not put it on a high mountain? Or on the moon? (...) Makes you think what God's really panning."

Questioning and trying to understand is his core. Sharing the questions and the knowledge is his core. And he passes it to the only friendly soul that listens to him - Aziraphale. The angel that helped him when he could've smited him. The angel that gave away his sword because he believed it was the right thing to do, even though he could get in trouble for it. He sees the potential. The angel that is kind in a way other angels aren't. And he wants to see how far it goes. Wants to break him out of the influence.

With time, he realises their Head Offices don't care what they do, as long as they get the results. The Flood. Job. It's all just a cruel game. So he indulges in other things. Gets to know humans. And delicately pushes Aziraphale to get to know them too. He unknowingly fuels Aziraphale developing love for earthly things - food, music, books, clothes, humanity as a whole.

As centuries pass, we see more and more of a transition. Crowley slowly losing hope of changing anything. His hope seemed to have travelled to Aziraphale, though. Like he'd passed it over. Crowley starts enjoying watching Aziraphale eat, geek out over books, his classical music, his bow ties. And he loves it. Loves this version of Aziraphale.

But he's an optimist at his core. He's trying not to give up. Throughout the first season he still questions, still hopes. But at the same time, deep down, he knows.

"It's just God moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us!" "I will talk to the Almighty and the Almighty will fix it." "That won't happen!"

Crowley starts losing hope for answers. He subconsciously narrows his world down to Aziraphale. He makes Aziraphale and Aziraphale's joy his whole world. He still enjoys his own things, but Aziraphale, as infuriating as he is most of the time, is his beacon of light. The light that Heaven tried to rip away from him with the Fall.

Which brings us to S2, where we see Crowley questioning the point of it all once again. Because he knows the cogs of the big machine and knows they don't care. He clings to the only being that does care and tries to fool himself into thinking that if they ran away, they could be happy. Like Gabriel and Beelzebub. But Gabe and Bee did not care for the world. Not like Aziraphale and Crowley do.

By the end of S2 Crowley basically gave up hope of changing anything and now wants to just try and preserve the little bit of peace he has in Aziraphale's presence. He loves Aziraphale the way he loves his creation - he wants to see him thriving and happy, wants to see the full potential, wants to be there and watch it happen. His love for Aziraphale is intertwined with his love for humanity, because he loves what they have among humans. Ritz, the Bookshop, the Bentley, the idea of a simple life with earthly pleasures, watching Aziraphale freely enjoy it all and being able to enjoy it with him.

But he unknowingly taught Aziraphale to care for it all. To care for humans, for Earth. He taught him that they're worth saving. Aziraphale now wants to save it all to be able to enjoy it freely with Crowley. Aziraphale fell in love with humanity the same way he fell in love with Crowley - slowly, unknowingly, in their freedom do to whatever they wanted. That's why he leaves. That's why he wants Crowley to join him. He wants Crowley to gain back his spark, to be able to create again, to see him happy with making more art. He wants to fix the hole created by the Fall, he wants to reinstate him as an angel because he was the best of them all. And he still sees that in Crowley's core. In his curiosity, in his questions, in his temptations. He sees through the cynical mask of a demon and sees him for who he really is. An artist. "You're the bad guys" was an unfortunate phrasing, but I believe he meant 'demons are meant to be the bad guys, but you're not, therefore you're not really a demon. You don't deserve to be. You were made with a brain that questions and you shouldn't have been punished for it', which basically is the core of the question Crowley asks God later on. He doesn't understand that Crowley can never go back to the very place that first crushed his spark. Or tried to, anyway. He can't see what Crowley sees - that nothing can really be changed.

He's not reducing Crowley to an identity that's no longer him in his final confession. He calls out to the core of who Crowley really is, to the optimist within him, to the curiosity that prevailed despite the odds. He shows Crowley that he's never really seen him as a demon - an evil, broken thing. He's always seen the good in him. They've been so bad at communication throughout their whole existence, it's no wonder he struggles to convey everything in the most straightforward thing.

"Why give me Crowley? Why make me complete and then take it away?" calls back to the idea of forbidden romance, the fact that angels and demons are not supposed to work together, to the fact that he wanted Crowley so much, needed him so much to discover himself, and yet the forces above them kept pulling them apart.

Throughout the movie they try to communicate in scattered ways. Crowley shows that Aziraphale means to him more than anything else. He still loves the bookshop and gave up his car for it. He gave up on everything else. And Aziraphale doesn't know what to do with it, because his demon has never been so single-minded. He knows that at his core, Crowley cares so much about everything. He knows that abandoning humanity would've crushed Crowley, crushed them both. But Crowley's dismissal of it feels like a betrayal not only to Aziraphale, but also to who Crowley is.

(Also, I have feeling that Aziraphale wanted to say more with this "I wouldn't need you" but Crowley interrupted him and Aziraphale got frustrated and stopped the conversation there, knowing he can't get more out of it. It hurt like hell, but I don't believe that that was what Aziraphale wanted to say. Same with leaving Crowley in the alley. I think he wanted to check the bookshop and what state it was in before going back for Crowley. He wanted to make sure he had something to bring him back to. It just so happened that Crowley came to him before that could happen.)

In S1 we as an audience learn that God does play with the universe. Aziraphale and Crowley grow more and more aware of it over time. And while it makes Crowley more shut off and unmotivated, it fuels Aziraphale to pull off the change for both of them. It's giving 'you've been strong for us for so long, let me be the strong one now. I won't let you give up on who you are, on what we love. I'll save it for us.'

Then the moment the bookshop is the only thing left in the universe, Crowley suddenly realises how empty it is. No chatter, no humans, no books, no music, no food. No Heaven and Hell, so no miracles either. Their roles suddenly reverse again. Aziraphale sees it all gone and snaps back into the centre of his own universe, the one who fuelled him all this time. Maybe they can be happy here. Aziraphale is the one that gives up on their core values this time. Because there's no hope for what we love, let's stay here together. It doesn't mean that Crowley is his secondary choice. Throughout the movie he keeps saying that he did what he did FOR THEM. It didn't work out but they are still here, and the source of his determination is still here.

But this is also the moment Crowley realises that this is not who they are. Not what they want. Because it's empty. They love each other to their cores, which means that they love how human they were, how they enjoy simple things that are no longer available to them. They can stay together, they can have their love, but they can't be fully happy here, because they'll always mourn the loss of everything else.

And then Satan shows up. And so they call out God, who is already there (tbh I don't think the new book of life was a real thing. They didn't create anything new - they just described what was already there, so I don't think it held any actual power), and they find out that everything is how it's supposed to be. That the game has always been rigged. That everyone kept looking for the Lady but were never meant to find it. That they could've gotten their green light a long time ago but instead God watched with amusement as they danced around each other in fear and longing. They were pieces on a chessboard. Always have been, no matter how much free will they ripped out to make their own choices. In the end, everything would always happen the exact way God wanted it to.

Aziraphale reminds Crowley who he was. Who he still is. And Crowley realises that there was no them without what they loved most. Their love for each other is intertwined with their love for humanity so much that it's basically one. Because essentially, they want the same thing. They want to be able to choose. Really choose. But there was no chance for a real choice in a world being a big D&D campaign.

Aziraphale realises it too. He even says that he knows what he wants, implies that he wants to be with Crowley, but "that's not what this is about anymore". This is not about what HE wants, it's not even about THEM anymore. It's about what they value most. It's about who they are. It's about the world they both grew to love. And while he hopes that Crowley would make the selfish call, I don't think he really expected anything else. Because he knows Crowley inside out. He knows who he is at his core. And he knows that Crowley would always make the right choice for them too. Because Crowley has always been the one that fuelled what was right.

They were shaped by humanity and humanity was shaped by them, directly or indirectly. They could never be happy while worrying about chess pieces moving in misleading directions. Constantly worried about the next strike, knowing that humans were ultimately led to their demise. Bringing it back to the way it was would put the game back on. With God in total control still. The universe had to exist without a game master. Which meant no black and white pieces on the board. Which meant no angels or demons. Which ultimately meant they couldn't exist.

Now, could they have gone "Bring it back exactly the way it was, except this time you piss off and leave us all alone, no ineffable plan, no games, and no apocalypse"? Maybe. But that would also keep the old power system in place, wouldn't it? A place of reward and a place of punishment. Without the game, would it really be exactly the way it was? Wouldn't it create a sort of paradox? Can Satan exist without God? Can demons and angels exist without God? Of course, they could be serving humanity instead, they could cooperate, but wouldn't asking God to leave the universe alone essentially make the godless universe exist anyway?

I don't know. I wish we had had on-screen time to explore it more, to discuss it more, to allow Aziraphale and Crowley to sit down and talk properly, have a proper form of reaching a conclusion, have them voice their issues and opinions, let them be soft and honest with each other.

Each day I will mourn that in the entirety of S3 Crowley had more physical contact with Jesus than with Aziraphale, the literal love of his existence. Each day I will mourn the lack of proper, voiced closure. Each day I will mourn the fact that they never properly acknowledged their feelings, the impact of those feelings, the f15 from S2. Each day I will mourn the fact that we couldn't get more on-screen explanation of it all, so it would ease us into the final decision, instead of having to write whole essays of analysis to understand it properly. It's not the production's fault, they did a great job with what they were given.

Crowley's decision doesn't baffle me anymore. I guess I was too fixed on his desperate, lovesick puppy image from s2 and fanfiction. He's still a lovesick puppy, he loves Aziraphale so much, but that love is also love for humanity. If we want to look at it as a metaphor, we could say that their love for each other equals their love for humanity. If we look at it from a more human perspective, they love each other so much they both want the other to be free of the outside influence, free to enjoy what they wanna enjoy, free to choose, free to be themselves, and it could never be achieved when they were but pieces on a board. Aziraphale didn't choose Heaven over Crowley, and Crowley didn't choose humanity over Aziraphale. They chose those things FOR each other. So they never had to do something against their core values.

Tragic characters, if I've ever seen ones. Doomed by the narrative from the very start. I still stand by what I said. They deserved better. They deserved so much better. They deserved to experience healing, peace and love together, as they were, will all the baggage they carried. And knowing that they couldn't will forever shatter me to my core. Because the story I love, the story I rooted for, the story I invested years of my life in, is gone. Not just finished, gone.

Now, to the whole Asa and Anthony not being Aziraphale and Crowley - they're not. They're a version of them. A version of them that could happen without the whole mess of games, plans, Heaven and Hell. Without the war in Heaven, Crowley would've been an artist, an inventor. Without the strict rules of Heaven, Aziraphale would've been curious, he would've been brave to go after what he wanted. They share their traits unfiltered by God and Her actions. The essence of who they were, essence that defied everything and came back together.

But they're not THEM them. They never could be, because they never experienced what Aziraphale and Crowley experienced. That's why it's bittersweet. This is what could've been. This is what was without God. But the ones who really needed that, the ones that worked for it, they never got it. The version we rooted for couldn't have that. And while I fully understand why, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Their love fuels this universe. It found a way to bring them back together. Not in a way we wanted, debatable if in a way they deserved, but it did its best. It continues to bring them back in every aspect possible.

I think they're still out there somewhere. The versions we were rooting for. They just got what they wanted - they were left alone. Without Heaven, Hell, or anyone else to interfere. Their love is timeless and eternal. It seeps into every universe, every scenario. They meet as a professor and a bookseller. As a florist and a teashop owner. As university students. As anyone they could've been if not for the ineffable plan. The angel and the demon, the ones who started it all, the ones that left our universe with this incredible parting gift, they live on too. They have their peace somewhere out there, in another dimension, another universe, one created solely for them to exist in.

The message is beautiful. And it gives me a bit of hope. I am not entirely at peace, because the canon we saw on screen is not peaceful for me. What I read between the lines, the theories and beliefs I created, this is what slowly brings me to a resemblance of peace. And it breaks my heart all the same, because Good Omens used to be the only show where I didn't have to do that. Where the story itself brought me peace. Where their journey got me peace and I hoped the ending of the story would do it too.

I still feel like their story was not complete. That it lacked something, a tiny bit to make it feel like 'yeah, it was beautiful, it was over, time to move on to something new.' Maybe it was because of the loose ends they never tied up. Maybe it was because of all the unspoken things. The ending would've probably hurt me less if I had SEEN their moment of peace, their moment of closing the chapter in a way that wasn't so rushed. I still would've been mad and heartbroken over it, but it would've been easier to swallow, I think. I don't blame anyone from the production crew. They'd done the best they could with what they had. I think the hate train towards Rachel is uncalled for. Some fans are taking it way too far.

That being said, I think I'll forever be stuck in a space between liking and not liking it. Somewhere in the middle ground. Because as beautiful as the message is, I can't swallow the fact that my pookies never got what they truly deserved.

(It is kinda poetic, tho, that their goal in the first season was to prevent the Armageddon and save the Earth, and in the end they did exactly that, and this time it was truly them. Maybe it wasn't their universe that they saved, but they essentially secured the future and the possibilities for all those lost lives to hopefully come back, but in a world that would not screw them over. Hopefully.)