#kaypost

Jim didn’t love Beelzebub. Gabriel did. He needed his memories for a reason. Anthony doesn’t know or love Aziraphale. He loves a completely different guy. Which is nice and all. But I wanted to see Aziraphale and Crowley happy. Safe. Free. I wanted them to stay in my universe. I thought we shared it!

I get what people mean about their dear ones when they lose memories. I care what people say about their own lost memories. I'd never say they were replaced by another person. But that's not at all what we are talking about here. It's a new universe with brand new people. (Which if determinism is not true and god is gone should not look like the old ones?)

And I am glad if you found comfort and happiness in S3! I wish I did too.

And now all of these fics are fucking AUs.

I wanted to know they are out there, talking things out and healing and holding one another and helping others with their traumas and

I WANTED HOPE for us all. I don't want a new universe where 'they' don't have the trauma.

The whole bloody POINT was that I cannot hope for another life after this one where all the suffering will be justified and I will be happy. I will never get another universe. Another life. I wanted hope that perseverance and kindness can bring healing here and now. That keeping going is worth it. And that in the mean time I can enjoy dessert even if it feels like the world is about the end. And fight another day.

We don't have the option to start the universe from scratch and hope for the best. We have to work within the systems we have. However bad or irreparable they seem. I don't want to give up. I don't want to be told Aziraphale was stupid for trying. That the system was never ever gonna change even if he got Crowley to stand before God and ask his question by the skin of his teeth.

And I adore one above all.

I won’t stop fighting for Aziraphale and write about him (and write him too, however inferior my abilities) just because that asshole didn’t understand him. Didn’t understand his love and who he was and always will be.

Aziraphale belongs with Crowley and I reject whatever bullshit GO3 was, that tried to retcon their beautiful relationship. Crowley is not cruel and mean. He’s also not one to defer to authority (neither of them ever were) and definitely not one to break Aziraphale and finally drag him to run from a difficult task. (I also don't believe angels and demons could not have changed. He and Crowley did. Beez and Gabe only needed a nudge.)

Their universe was salvageable. Exactly like ours is. Because they were born from this universe. From our struggles and our questions and our what ifs.

What if an angel and a demon walked among us, angel and demon from the old stories of Eden and Heaven and Hell and a world that was to supposedly to last 6000 years?

What if we fought the gods and fought to keep the world for longer? What if, wherever and however we are born we fought to try and make the right choices, because the angel believed we can?

No system is unchangable. No one has the right to tell us we mean nothing and it’d be better if we didn’t exist. Or whatever the message where a world full of queer people just going about their lives is destroyed, was supposed to be.

Aziraphale is stubborn and yes, somewhat selfish and self indulgent and he loves to enjoy things and that’s exactly why I love him. He also knows when to stand up for himself, when to back away, when to make a hard decision to save his love. He’s brave and sweet and silly and kind and a bit of a bastard.

I will always adore Aziraphale.

I know we talk a lot about Crowley's saunter, but may I present:

The careful way Aziraphale walks?

The way he looks so solid and strong?

*just doing my job* Well, was there an alternative? Would 'choosing rebel side' make any difference? Make Aziraphale somehow 'better'? No. The sides were equally bad. Aziraphale and Crowley were both different. That's the point. Crowley had questions. And Aziraphale had love.

Aziraphale: “I can't believe it's over.” Michael: “And over in a glorious victory, Aziraphale. Quite outstanding.” Aziraphale: “Yes, I suppose so.” Michael: “At a cost, of course. How many did we lose in the last offensive?" Uriel: “About a hundred, I'm afraid. They took us by surprise." Aziraphale: "The whole thing was ghastly.” Uriel: “Aziraphale was inspiring and a remarkable strategist.” Aziraphale: “Just doing my job.” Michael: “The battle fought here, at the centre of all creation, turned the tide. They tried to gain control of the Eternal Flame, and they lost! Better tell the troops the good news, eh?” Crowley: “If you shout out or do anything to attract attention, you will be a dead angel. Do you understand? Give me the sword.” Aziraphale: “So you didn't actually have a weapon, then, when you were threatening me?” Crowley: “No. I lost it in the last battle.” Aziraphale: “Hello. I'm...” Crowley: “General Aziraphale, I know who you are. I saw you on the battlefield. I have a lot of questions, and nobody ever has the answers.” Aziraphale: “What's wrong? It may hurt, but... it'll help to staunch the wound a little. You know, I've spent the war smiting Rebel Angels. I've never done this before.” Crowley: “Should I say thank you?” Aziraphale: “Better not.” Crowley: “Thank you for the bandage.” Aziraphale: “Probably best if you don't, er... don't tell anyone how you got it. Good luck.”

And yes, I've noticed:

What is that supposed to mean? That people keep dying? You know, they do die in senseless ways and pointless wars and poverty in our universe too. What else matters if not trying to be kind?

Bonus: