#excult

It’s scary to admit to yourself that the friends you had weren’t healthy, and even more so to say that the love and care was unrequited over the span of multiple years.

It’s slow motion grief. It’s torture. It’s a heart being bled dry.

Today at work I was pulled from my usual spot to be a greeter in the main store. And, shockingly, about half way through the time I was there, Baba- the pastor I grew up with- walked through the door. It shocked and startled me at first- the last time he ran into me-years ago- he followed me, tried to engage me in conversation; it felt horrible. I believe that one ended with me yelling at him in tears.

And part of me was still hurt at how he pushed things out of control, how he hurt me and so many others with the decisions he made, and it felt so easy to surrender to the shunning, to not make eye contact, to not look at him, turn my back. Hate him for what he does and what he represents in my life. But those were His rules, not mine- I hated shunning, all my life. It was hard not to look out of the corner of my eye. He looks so much older from the last 5 years - has he always been older, or is it just that I knew him so long?

About half way through his time in the store, I was able to let go of the hurt feelings of my past- after all, that is all he is, bad memories, a few good ones, and some mixed ones, but a lot of bad ones- and I felt empowered by being able to treat him like any other human being. I acknowledged him by name, because that is what I do when I can place a person’s name. I don’t love him anymore- we haven’t been family in at least 9 or 10 years now, even if that realization was half a decade in the making from when it began. I hold the power over my responses. I have the ability to acknowledge the humanity in even a monster, even the ones who used to be family.

I’m proud of myself because even though the encounter was unexpected and unsettling, I was able to stay present, stay grounded, do my job, and not succumb to the sinking, spiraling feeling that gripped me when I first saw him walk in the door, that led to me starting to shun him- I haven’t shunned anyone since I was in high school, half a lifetime ago. I was able to work through my feelings and reach into my own compassion- for myself, for how I would feel afterwards if I treated another person like that, even if he’s one of the few who definitely deserve it. And it was satisfactory to see the swirl of emotion in his eyes as I addressed him by given name, not his title, not his moniker, not his surname to create extra distance. A weight that said, I knew you once, I don’t anymore. And to see the twinkle he tries so hard to keep in his eyes swirl clouding with other emotions- not anger or pride, I think it was regret. I didn’t see true regret on his face much in all the time I knew him- it was satisfying. He burned that bridge throughly to the ground, but 20 years of my life are wrapped in the chaos he left in his path.

Told her about my acceptance to a program, and still processing for the second program. I’m still not positive she is letting herself actually realize that being accepted to a face to face program means she won’t be able to access my time easily if at all

She kept talking about the like 4 guys she’s casually dating online ‘since none of them have officially gone steady’

Definitely different than it was.

We got pasta and garlic bread (yes, garlic bread for the first day of unleavened bread- she didn’t realize that until I told her; she never really figured out the whole calendar thing, I don’t think)

I feel really good about bridging that gap again for myself; my relationship with mom really felt rifted on my side following the flashbacks from last week.

She talked about how my youngest sister may have conflations between texture issues, food sensitivities, and allergies, and the doctor is leading a plan to tease those out and expand her restrictions and dietary plans.

I reminded her that even if it isn’t life threatening allergies, the mind is a powerful thing when in a situation you can’t control. I reminded her how I couldn’t eat pork for years even when Dad forced me to and I would end up physically sick, even though I am not allergic and have had allergy tests that never confirmed in any way pork as an allergy. It was a little nice to see the guilt flash across her face even if she didn’t address it. Just a bit.

We talked about the different lactose levels in cheeses (I gotta text her the informational about hard vs soft cheese lactose levels)

If you get tossed in at the deep end, you’ll jump straight back out. This is why cults start slow and simple and build up to the darker stuff.