i will never post this on my main. i have drowned myself in lies and the guilt of it all will never let me rest.  this is an apology for whoever wants to read and a cautionary tale for the ones who are, unfortunately, going down the same path i regrettably chose for myself. if it brings peace to anyone or if it prevents something truly terrible, i will feel accomplished. my asks will be open if you want to let out your frustrations on how stupid i once was. i am encouraging you to, since i’m too much of a coward to suffer any kind of major consequence, feel free to tell me all of the nasty things you may feel once you’re finished reading this, and to whoever finds nothing wrong with what i have done, please revaluate your stances.

i used to be a proshipper, if the title hadn’t made it obvious enough, and i regret every second of it. i’m not even sure where it even began, everything feels like a blur. the more i try to remember, the foggier it gets. my therapist doesn’t quite understand the discourse, which, of course she doesn’t, but she has told me i have developed an anxiety disorder and according to my version of events (what i remember, at least), she’s convinced i have been taken advantage of by these people who i called my friends.

and i believe her. i hate admitting this. for once, i will put my pride aside and say that i’m gullible. i’m an idiot. i believe her when she tells me they’ve taken advantage of me and i believe her when she said that they radicalized my views and that i would do anything to feel like i belonged in a space. i’m desperate to feel anything else but alienation. all my life, i have longed for this feeling and they knew, taking advantage of my past trauma that i, regrettably, told them about. i was one of those people that used fiction as a coping mechanism to deal with my childhood trauma. i can’t stress enough how dangerous it is for you to make yourself vulnerable like this on the internet, and the worst part of it all, i should have known better. i was 18 years old when this happened.

i have done terrible, terrible things. i forced myself to be okay with lolisho, to be okay with abuse, incest, sexual assault. all because “it was all fiction”, and “no one was getting hurt”, but deep down, it was hurting me and so many others. i engaged in conversations with these people. i was told that my trauma was hot and they wished to be groomed, to be sexually assaulted, and all i could do was nothing because i knew what the consequences were. i would be shunned and would be alone again. these people loved me, they told me so, often.

i drew for them, i wrote for them, i wanted them to love me more. i felt like i was on top of the world, so many people enjoyed my company. i had friends. i was blinded by these rose colored glasses.

they loved me so much, until i started realizing how terrible they were. i saw how other people felt about them, how invalidated other victims felt. i felt terrible, knowing that i had contributed to it. i distanced myself from them and once they realized i did this, i was suddenly a target. i was harassed nonstop for hours, days, even. they love to preach about being anti-harassment until you’re no longer okay with the stuff they enjoy. suddenly, you’re a nasty anti or an anti dickrider. 

they didn’t love me anymore, and leaving was one of the most liberating feelings i have ever felt. i should have known better, but i unfortunately was in too deep. this wasn’t an attempt to excuse my actions, this was my story, my side of things, what i remember. 

i’m sorry if you’ve ever seen my posts on my old accounts, and i’m sorry if i made you relapse, i’m sorry for making you feel like i was glamourizing your trauma, i’m sorry for everything i have done. i denounce proshippers, i denounce this era of my life, i wish i could erase it, but i can’t. i will live the rest of my days with this and i hope that nobody goes through the same things i did. my actions are disgusting and i will never do this again. 

you are not cool, you are not better than anyone. and if you’re a child, please run. run as fast as you can from them, you’re bound to be taken advantage of like i have. they’re all sick in the head. 

this post sums up very well how proshipping may affect real people, please give it a read.

once again, i apologize for all the horrible things i might have caused.

thank you for giving me a chance. like i said, my ask box is open if you want to voice frustrations, ask questions, and essentially, whatever you want.