Human Baby Beef AU but Robert dies at some point during the events of the game and Chase, along with Team Z have to raise him. The Robertson family curse never ends.
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A/N: I'm too lazy to update previous chapters right now, but I changed it so Prism invited them all to a general party at hers, not a Halloween-specific one
“Bae, can you grab that?! It’s Mal and Sonar!” Alice called from the kitchen.
“Yah!” he called back, giving himself a final once-over in her bathroom mirror. He heard Sonar’s telltale screech as he transformed into his humanoid form on her balcony.
“Hey! How’s it going?!” Mal greeted, caution tape wrapped around her chest. She handed Chad a tray of store-bought cupcakes with one hand and held up a carton of beer with her tail.
“Hey! Welcome to the party, bitches!” he greeted, holding the balcony door open.
“Yooo, sweet place!” Sonar commented as he looked around. He’d come in his usual suit and red tie, which hung loosely around his neck, minus a shirt. He noticed Chad staring and scoffed, “No homo, but my eyes are up here.”
“Sorry. Didn’t know you were so… pale,” he mumbled, staring at the bat hybrid’s weirdly peach-toned, hairless torso. Tan nipples poked out from under the large ruff of grey hair — fur? — on his upper chest. Gross. He tore his eyes away and busied himself with fucking up the artistic yet practical selection of food he’d laid out to accommodate the cupcakes. He could make it work if he moved the napkins to the kitchen bench and put away one of the unopened packets of chips.
“Hey! Oh my god, you made it!” Prism sang, rushing over to hug them.
“Hey, babes! Love the fit,” Mal commented.
“Aww, thanks, boo! These were from Flambae,” she replied, pointing to her massive hoop earrings. He’d spent ages looking for ones of her preferred thickness and shade of gold and was proud of how excited she’d been to show them off. “Hey, Bae? Can you please finish up in the kitchen for me?”
“Of course,” he replied as he started the music for the night. Her latest hit, HOES DEPRESSED, started playing in the background.
“Lemme give you guys the grand tour since y’all’re the first ones here!”
He and Ali were in the kitchen, finishing up the last of the cocktail mixes so they didn’t have to worry about following any recipes while wasted. They’d left it til this late so the ice didn’t melt, and Sonar had already tasted Chad’s strawberry daiquiris and suggested adding twice the amount of white rum, much to Chad’s annoyance. He poured himself a small glass and rolled his eyes. It tasted fucking awesome. The doorbell rang.
“Can you please grab that?” Ali asked again, swaying to the music as she measured out the last of the vodka for the blue lagoons.
“Yah, lemme just finish this,” he replied, dumping three of the tiny edible glitter bottles into the punch. He sashayed his way over and grabbed the front door and stopped dead in his tracks. “What the fuck?!”
“Hey! Thanks for the invite,” Cumslinger greeted awkwardly.
“Did you two not read the invite? Prism specifically requested some ass,” he scolded.
Webbitch and Wet Wipe glanced at each other. A pool was forming on the navy carpet at their feet and threatened Prism’s recently-polished floors.
“Who is it?!” Prism called.
“Cumslinger and Waterbitch! And they’re dressed like fucking mormons!!” he called back. He examined them again.
Webhead wore a long-sleeve fishnet shirt, jeans that looked three sizes too big, and a crappy, hand-dyed t-shirt flaunting some wonky, vaguely edgy symbol. Wetbitch wasn’t much better: if it weren’t for his pitiable, self-conscious demeanour, Chad would guess the man didn’t know that ripped skinny jeans and a ripped, skin-tight t-shirt didn’t suit him at all. While he was surprised to see Wetbitch had piercings and eyeliner, they both looked like emo tryhards from the 2010s.
His eyebrows raised. “The fuck’s with the IKEA bag, bitch?” Who brings that much stuff to someone else’s party?!! Had Wetfartbitch seriously doubted their ability to throw Alice a wicked birthday?!
“I-I um— they’re, uh— I have towels!” Waterbitch stuttered, eyes wide. “And, th-there’s also. We have a tarp. Too.”
“Generous,” he acknowledged, leaving the door open to invite them in and returning to the kitchen with Alice.
“Hey, thanks so much for coming!” she greeted. “Lemme show you the quiet room!”
Webhead looked around, eyes wide in wonder as he took in Ali’s incredible style and Chad’s equally phenomenal decorating skills. They’d hung disco balls, streamers, and fairy lights from her high ceilings and spent hours with the help of his niece to make disco ball planters and vases. Spiderbitch seemed excited to see a photo booth and sunglasses decorating station in the corner. He smirked before moving to set the punch and other alcohol out. Being the incredible best friend that he was, he’d taken it upon himself to design little signs for all the food and drink and get them printed at their local Staples. He’d already labelled all the food, so he busied himself with arranging the drinks table and ensuring everything was stylishly, yet obviously, labelled.
“‘Bout fucken time you showed up, bitch!” Chad chastised. “We were starting to think you’d died or some shit.”
“Robert! There y’are, big man! We were gettin’ worried!” Punch shouted.
“Hey! So sorry I’m late. Beef had an accident,” Robert explained.
Chad crossed his arms and leant on the doorway. “Right. And what the fuck’re you s’posed to be? Pathetic, dollar store Gordon Ramsay?” Robert even had a store-bought vegetable platter and a bottle of wine.
“Carmy,” the dispatcher replied like it was obvious. “…y’know, from The Bear?”
“Never seen it,” he replied, stepping back to let Robert inside.
“Hah. Neither, actuall—”
“Roberto! Oh my god, you made it!” Prism squealed, running over to give him a massive hug. “Ohmygod we missed you!”
“Hey, Prism! I’m so sorry I’m late, Beef had an accident,” Robert replied, unsurely returning the hug. “Happy birthday!”
“Awww, thank you! Is that little hippo okay?!”
“Yeah, he’s fine, just peed on my mattress,” Robert replied. “…um… you can let go now.”
“Wait shit, it’s your birthday?” Punch piped up.
Prism let go of the hug and Robert handed her the bottle of wine. “Aww, hoe, you shouldn’t have! Nobody was meant to know ‘cept Bae.”
Chad laughed to break the tension and stepped in. “Yah, yah, we get it, Robbo’s fucking amazing. Who the fuck brings a vegetable platter to someone’s party, you basic white bitch?!”
Robert shrugged. “Well, someone had to be responsible.”
He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Right. We get it, Bob Bob, you’re so much better than us.”
“Can I get you anything to drink? We got beer and cocktails!” Prism squealed. “You seem like a daiquiri kinda guy!”
“Y’know, for someone whose diet is solely Twinkies and coffee, I’m actually impressed you own an apron, Robbo,” Chad observed loudly over the party. Visi had cranked the music up when she and Mal started dancing, and others had quickly joined in. Even Wetbitch had joined in, standing on his stupid towel next to Cumslinger and pulling the most awkward “moves” (if you could even call his weird twitching that) known to man.
Robert laughed and took a long sip of beer. “I didn’t until this afternoon. I bought it and this t-shirt a couple hours ago.”
He was so surprised he choked on his blue lagoon like a virgin giving their first blowjob. “You didn’t fucking own a white t-shirt until fucking this afternoon?!”
Robert laughed again and shrugged. “Yeah. What, should I be embarrassed?”
Chad sighed and laid his head in his hands. “I was worried your interpretation of ‘sexy’ would be undoing one extra button on your work shirt, but now I’m hearing that you don’t even have a wardrobe?! Please tell me you own other shirts than your fucking work ones?!”
Robert shrugged. “Well, I do have gym clothes.”
“Ow, fuck, you wound me!” he lamented. “Fucking hell, bitch!! Next time we go out, you’re coming to mine first to borrow some actually decent clothing. Fucking hell, I need another drink.” He got up dramatically and smoothed down his golden shawl.
Robert laughed loudly and smirked. “What, you trying to get me undressed?”
He pulled a face and quickly shook his head. “In your wet dreams, you perverted bitch,” he teased. “You’re not my type.”
“Right, sorry. Didn’t mean to make things weird,” Robert apologised, focusing on his beer. “I should probably be switching to water anyway.”
“What? No, chill, I was joking,” he amended, quickly adding, “As in I wasn’t offended. You wish you had a chance with an ass this good.” He turned and flexed his large biceps for good measure before strutting back to the kitchen. Someone as pathetically boring as Robert should be happy that someone as incredible as Chad gave him the time of day. Yet, because he was as charitable as he was strong, Chad was actually willing to hold conversation with the man. God, he was actually a fucking saint.
Mecha man blue being a hybrid but it was something so cute and small when a super villain got beaten up by it. They lied about what actually beat them up claiming it was a feral normie Robert refuses to show anyone what he looks like in his full hybrid form. Flambae only know it has sharp teeth.
Favourite part of writing Chase POV: 1. Cussing more than I ever have, which is surprisingly fun when I never verbally curse; and 2. Him affectionately referring to Robert as a b****, a dumba** and a little s***.
Peak sibling behaviour. "I love you, and I wish the best for you, but I will also call you curse words to your face."
These two are the brothers of all time, I love them so much.
Robert gets his head smacked hard by someone trying to rob him. He fights the dude off continues to work and realizes shortly after logging on he's speaking Korean to z team and he can't seem to switch back to English. Go's to the med bay gets checked over then told dude basically reset you back to mother tongue which to the doctor surprised is Korean. Robert forgot Dad and Elliot mainly spoke Korean to Robert before teaching him English. Z team is very confused when hearing Robert speaking near perfect Korean while Chase translates what he said. Doctor said it should go back to normal just not sure when.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I definitely enjoy writing Robert with daddy issues. Robbie wanted what was best for Mecha man often forgetting that Robert was a kid and often treated him as a coworker instead of actually family. ( uncle/dad Elliot smacked him across the head when Robert opened his birthday gift and it was set of office pens and matching notebook. To write down ideas about approving the suit)( Elliot also hit his head against the wall because one of Robbie coworker's bought Robert a dress forgetting his gender). Elliot would have possibly been the second uncle/ dad trying to baby Robert and make him grow up slower often going behind Robbie back. Because Robert should be a kid and be far away from the suit. ( Elliot ended up screaming at Robbie for trying to make a sugar free, dairy free hight protein/ fiber chocolate cake. If you could use the cake to fill in a leaky hole you shouldn't eat it!) Robert has alot to work on when he's older.( Like bouncing what he should eat vs moderation is key, or trying something and just being bad at it. He doesn't need to be perfect like Robbie wanted or drown in childhood memories if /when Elliot actually wanted to save him.)
