#didntcry

I’m pretty desperate to contact you and this staved it off last time so welp. I literally feel haunted by you. I’m walking down roads I did with you or even just laying in my own damn bed and I can almost feel were you once were. I have a constant mantra of “she’s gone, it doesn’t matter, let it go” that gets through the day but man.

I am infected, overrun and infested with you and what you left on me. At every corner is a reminder of you or the general life we were living- you see nail polish everywhere right? Or some news on games we’d play with Sam, the concept of someone showering too long, RIDING A BICYCLE youre just everywhere! I’m enjoying sobriety for the first time in quite a while but your spectre just won’t leave me be. withdrawing from you is taking forever!

I can be doing anything, anything at all, and your smell just fills my nostrils. the hell am I meant to do with that? again and again that reminder of SHE IS GONE. that’s the good stuff. I realised Sam’s birthday had gone by and wondered how that went. I look at my dogs and hear exactly how you’d call each one of your animals. I also think on my grandma saying we were “the blind leading the blind”. and I see how if you did something to end up in hospital over this, than staying away from me can only be the healthiest thing for you. and that I am certainly not mentally stable myself. and that this is a time to stand up and grow and not be propped up by one another, no matter how lovely it was.