#dfdc

I do like watching women's tennis; I've watched plenty of media that is tennis-related. However, I have no desire to play tennis. 

I wish it didn't feel like I had to earn the right to not partake.

Facing an endless:

'But what if your favorite person wanted to play it with you? ➜ What if theres no strict rules or pressure to be good? ➜ What if you do tennis drills by yourself to connect with it solo? ➜ What if the environment is really nice? ➜ Well, could you at least try hitting the ball just once? ➜ Have you tried playing tennis with someone who is not tennis obsessed? ➜ Why dont you just pretend youre someone else playing tennis? ➜ Maybe your last opponent was just bad? 

Why dont you talk to a professional to confront your dislike of tennis?

——

I’ll always remember how an ex looked at me, the yearning regarding how hot I looked. Saying I shouldnt look that fine while they were horny. Eyes peering down my body.

I remember just standing, staring blankly...

 Ellipsis personified. 

Was it just a statement? Maybe slight compliment? Do I smile? Was it funny? Should I laugh? I didnt know. 

The awkward silence was so loud. Feeling like I was suddenly on set and forgot my lines. 

This obvious thing I was supposed to say or do or feel . Unspoken anticipation turning the scene into a waiting room, but I didnt know what they were waiting for. 

I didnt know what role I was supposed to be playing. If I knew, if I had time to study, embody the person who FEELS. DESIRES. 

Fulfilling the fantasy I was cast in shouldn’t be this hard, right? Someone else could do it, play the part perfectly without even having a script, it just comes that naturally to them.  

Meanwhile, I now sit with these vacant film slides, looking back.